BY TOMMY ZANE There are a lot of things that can put a queen in a mood. The right to not marry, Red Cross’ homophobic ban on blood-donating by ALL gay men, still in effect since the eighties, and dumbasses that ask you about the “Iggles game” in the elevator at work, assuming you give a damn. Just to name a few. This week, I experienced three of my favorites: Gaybo’s Pet Peeve #1: Let’s start with pets — dogs to be exact. Dear Straight Friend Colette and her hunky husband Cliff live down in Old City. (They bought a […]
WHEN DOES THIS GET FUNNY?
We here at Phawker are no strangers to comedic misfires when trying to hit the bullseye of funny: jokes that won’t start in the morning, jokes that go off prematurely, jokes that can’t get it up, jokes that stall on the railroad tracks. Which is, in part, why we would like to introduce to you a new and recurring feature called WHEN DOES THIS GET FUNNY? Think of it as a penalty box for bad jokers, a time-out for the foul ball hitters of the funny bone, a rolled up newspaper across the snout of good intentions and botched execution. […]
Some Ass Clown Punks Da Mayor On Wikipedia
According to the online encyclopedia – which has a well-earned checkered reputation as both an everyman’s Britannica and a site where bias, slander and outright untruths reign – Mayor Street once played Bozo the Clown. Wikipedia’s bio on the mayor included: “At the same time that Street practiced law, he also began a media career in Philadelphia. Street worked for television station WPSG-TV and, for a four-year period, he played the character Bozo the Clown on Philadelphia’s Bozo the Clown children’s television show. When Street ran for Philadelphia City Council, he ceased his media career.” “I’m sure that isn’t true,” […]
JACKASS FUNHOUSE: Iggy & The Stooges To Play Bam Margera’s Wedding, Said To Be Working Up Really Friggin’ Awesome Smear-Yourself-In-Peanut-Butter And Roll In Broken Glass Version Of ‘Electric Slide’
Rock legends Iggy and the Stooges will perform at the Feb. 2 wedding of Bam Margera and Missy Rothstein. So will The Sounds. “Jackass” troublemaker Margera announced the news on his Sirius Satellite Radio show on Monday. Margera and Rothstein are being followed by MTV for a new series, “Bam’s Unholy Union,” which premieres Jan. 30. The wedding will be held at an as-yet- undisclosed location in the area, and we’re told the couple had a difficult time finding a spot because a few locations turned them down, afraid the hellraiser, or his cronies, would tear their place apart. DAN […]
SAME AS IT EVER WAS: Neil Stein Spotted Walking Towards Rittenhouse Square & Looking FABULOUS!
Stein, 65, said that he wanted to create a high-end, boutique hotel called Wow with computers and flat-screen televisions in every room, with a bistro, rooftop club, limo service, Philadelphia’s best spa, and – in place of a check-in desk – a concierge service to escort guests to their rooms. Or he’d try franchising Rouge, the bistro he created on Rittenhouse Square, perhaps opening versions in Miami Beach or the Georgetown section of Washington. Or develop a rehab center for alcohol and drug addicts in Center City; he’s a recovering addict. He said he had even given some thought to […]
NOW HIRING: High-Profile Local Defense Attorney Needs High-Profile Local Defense Attorney
A well-known Philadelphia lawyer has been arrested and charged with numerous offenses. Police say he was discovered naked, in a private lounge area of the Criminal Justice Center, with a 14-year-old girl. Defense attorney Larry Charles has been charged with sexual assault, corrupting the morals of a minor, and several other crimes. Police say Charles and the girl went into the CJC on Monday. Courts were not in session because of the Martin Luther King holiday, but Charles said the girl wanted to post bail for someone. After the pair was not seen for a while, and CJC guards could […]
Stephen A. Smith Please Phone Home…Pretty Please?
Friday night was the last episode of “Quite Frankly,” the weeknight ESPN2 show hosted by Inqwaster‘s Stephen A. Smith. The station canceled the show, and on his ESPN Radio show Friday, Smith said he accepts blame for the ratings being lackluster. According to the sports network, Smith will continue to play a large role for ESPN/ESPN2. “The other things he does for us are going to increase,” an ESPN spokesman said Friday night. He added that Smith will be seen on air “as much or more than ever.” However, Smith’s comments to Phawker.com on Friday, suggest he is leaving the […]
GAYBO: HIPSTERS, TRAMPS AND SLEAZE, MORRISSEY DOES EUROVISION? NO FUMAR y NO ESTACIONAR & THREESOME OF THE WEEK
BY TOMMY ZANE Aging Granddaddy of all hipsters and ambivalent sex-God Morrissey is rumored to have jumped in the race to write and/or perform this year’s U.K. entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, to be held May 12 in Helsinki, Finland. The 52 year-old contest counts ABBA and Olivia Newton-John among its discoveries (the Aussie warbler lost out to the ABBA’s “Waterloo” in the 1974 go-round) but Eurovision is mostly known for its high camp and lousy pop songs with flashy Solid Gold-esque choreography. If Morrissey does indeed sign up to represent the U.K., I can only imagine a domino […]
HOLLA: An Open Letter To Martha Raddatz
BY JAMES DOOLITTLE You weren’t fooling me none, sweetheart. A few Sundays ago while you were jib-jabbing away with Stephanopoulos, I looked deep, beyond that educated stare, and saw the fire, the heat, the undeniable glow that made me think you might show love to a street thug from Philly. And now . . . we all know, courtesy of the mighty Keith Olbermann: “But first, it would not be COUNTDOWN without the top three newsmakers of this day, politically stylized for your protection. . . . And number one, my old colleague from Channel 5 in Boston, Martha Raddatz, […]
PEEPLE: Salon Finally Comes Out And Says It, PARIS MUST DIE
The other almost-supernatural aspect of Hilton’s reign of harebrained horror is the way that she herself remains intact while those around her wither. Hilton is like some kind of Dorian Gray cockroach. While her buddies waste away and collapse and see their careers flushed down the celebrity toilet after having been in her presence, she grows stronger: appearing on more magazine covers, getting bigger record contracts, attracting more attention, sleeping with more of her fading friends’ boyfriends. Even her Plasticine exterior seems unravaged by her excessive behaviors. She is, frustratingly, indestructible. Hilton has been caught on tape referring to two […]
BRITNEY’S VAGINA MONOLOGUES: Epiloque
Whose crotch shot rules? Britney 51% Lindsay 25% Paris 23% Total Votes: 26,072 Note on Poll Results [via TMZ] Captain’s Log: Stardate Supplemental. Having given the matter a LOT of consideration and also some thought, we here on the jury of public opinion find the defendant guilty as charged and hereby sentence her to life — her life. Let the punishment fit the crime. ACTUAL USEFUL HOLLYWOOD NEWS, NOT JUST ‘IRONICALLY USEFUL’: Don Cheadle To Direct And Star In Miles Davis Biopic
BRITNEY’S VAGINA MONOLOGUES: Fanning The Flames of FIREcrotches Everywhere, Phawker Contributors Offer Gender And Generational Perspectives On Celebrity Pussy Galore
BRITNEY SPEARS, PLEASE PUT AWAY YOUR VAGINA BY MOTHER PHAWKER What I’m trying to tell you, dear Brit, is that you can hang out with Paris and Lindsay and Nicole or whichever tarts you choose, but YOU ARE NOT LIKE THEM. Not by virtue of talent, or beauty, or wealth, or skinniness. No, Mrs. Federline, when you gave birth to your two sons, you became unlike women who don’t have children. Hang out with your single, childless girlfriends all you want. Go out and party — you’ve been in the house changing diapers for two years, you’ve earned it. But […]