[Photo by KILLADEFIA] BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY I nailed the playoffs last year. Picked the winners all the way through before it started and hit 6 out of 7 series. Correctly had the Phillies over the Rays in the World Series before a single playoff pitch was thrown. What I’m saying is…if only 1 of these 7 predictions pan out, I’m still batting .500 over the last two years. Here we go. Division Series (Best of Five) Yankees over Twins/Tigers. The winner of today’s one-game playoff between the Twins and Tigers will have some momentum, after all they’ve […]
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SPORTO: Auto-Tuning CBS’ Eagles Broadcast
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY You saw the Eagles game yesterday, but did you hear it? Maybe you were at the bar and missed out on the insight from the CBS broadcast. Or maybe you heard but couldn’t believe your ears. I’m here to fill you in on what you missed. It’s Week 3, and CBS has sent Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcots [PICTURED, BELOW RIGHT] to cover what does not appear to be a marquee matchup. These two are listed as the #4 announcer pairing, not high enough to rate a sideline reporter. Harlan and Wilcots did a good […]
SPORTO: Auto Tuning Fox’s Eagles Broadcast
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY You saw the Eagles game yesterday, but did you hear it? Maybe you were at the bar and missed out on the insight from the FOX broadcast. Or maybe you heard but couldn’t believe your ears. I’m here to fill you in on what you missed. It’s Week 2, and Saints-Eagles looks like a big game on paper. FOX brings in its “A-Team” of Joe Buck, Troy Aikman and Pam Oliver. 1st Half I’ve only had High Definition TV for a couple weeks, and I thought it came without a downside. That was until I […]
SPORTO: Auto-Tuning Fox’s Eagles Telecast
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY You saw the Eagles game yesterday, but did you hear it? Maybe you were at the bar and missed out on the “insight” from the FOX broadcast. Or maybe you heard but couldn’t believe your ears. I’m here to fill you in on what you missed. On the call for FOX is the “C” team of Dick Stockton and Charles Davis (making the move to the NFL after working the BCS Championship Game for FOX). Chances somebody goes for a dog-fighting joke somewhere during this broadcast: 15%. 1st quarter: New boy Davis doesn’t say a […]
SPORTO: If I Were A Congressman…
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY If I were a Congressman, the back and forth between Roger Clemens and me might sound something like this: Congressman Mike: Thank you Chairman. I’ve listened to the questions and the answers from our witnesses today, and I’d like to start with a statement. Mr. Clemens, you are so full of shit I can smell you from here. Lawyer Guy: Objection! Accurate but uncalled for! CM: Withdrawn. I’d like to get to the thing that has always bothered me the most, Mr. Clemens. In 2004 you were the starting pitcher for the Houston Astros in […]
SPORTS: The Mitchell Report
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY Former Senator George Mitchell has wrapped up his 21-month investigation into the use of Performance Enhancing Drugs in baseball. Today at a press conference Mitchell will “name names” (reportedly 60-80 players). It should be fascinating theater. Will he just read the names, one after the other, like disaster victims? Or will there be music and highlights, with Mitchell intoning, “The next career going down in flames belongs to a small town kid…”. I can’t wait. Is today the day Alex Rodriguez loses his status as “Golden Boy/Future Rescuer of the Home Run Record”? Was Miguel […]
JOYLESS IN MUDVILLE: Phils Eat It 10-5
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY An as-it-happened account of NLDS Game 2: Top of the 1st: Kyle Kendrick on the hill. The rook has been money for the Phillies this year, winning 10 games after a June callup. Home Run, Tulowitzki. OK, it only one run. Home Run, Holliday. Oh shit. Is this whole season gonna finish up with an obscure late Saturday night loss in Denver? (notice the immediate flip-flop from optimism to doomsaying) Bottom of the 1st: The Phils really need something to feel good about, at least a run in this inning to show they wont roll […]
SPORTO: Is It Too Late To Bring Back Roman Gabriel?
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY Thoughts of an NFL junkie after two weeks: All the power is in the AFC. If Green Bay, Detroit, San Francisco and Washington, along with the Cowboys, are the 2-0 teams in the NFC, the conference is in even sorrier shape than last year. Among these, only Dallas would be a favorite over, say, the Titans, an afterthought in the AFC. The Bears, last year’s Super Bowl rep, are headed for a fall. Their best player, Devin Hester, is a kick returner and he only sees the field a handful of times per game. The […]
SPORTO: The Life Comcastic
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY The Phading Philthies have lost 5 of the last 6, but are still in the race as we head down the stretch. Just last week things seemed so good. The four game sweep over the Mets was Amazing, especially the late inning heroics in the final contest. I’m not even a Phillies fan, but seeing the Mets lose is sweet. Too bad I missed the whole thing. Fuck You, Comcast! Now, I love baseball. I pay $159 per season for the MLB Extra Innings package on DirectTV. That means I get virtually every major league […]
JOYLESS IN MUDVILLE: The Highest Scorer
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY Has there ever be a more joyless milestone? Is there anything sorrier than watching the victory lap of a condemned man? Any hope Hank Aaron had of taking the crown to his grave has been defeated by a chemistry that didn’t even exist back when he was knocking ’em out of the ball park with just his bare hands. Aaron didn’t even bother to show up to see his record broken, and who could blame him after all? Certainly not Willie Mays, according to USA Today: Willie Mays, who promised the late Bobby Bonds that […]
SPORTO: The Tour De Farce
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY I’m pretty bummed about the Tour de France. I watch every year and I love it — partly because of the complicated strategies that play out in what is really more a team event than an individual one, and partly because of the pure machismo on display during the crucial mountain climbs. And more than anything, I enjoy watching because no event takes place on such a glorious playing field . . . day after day, the views of sweeping vistas, majestic mountains and ancient castles are breathtaking. On some days, the scenery is even […]
OFFICIAL: Phillies The Losingest Team In ANY Sport
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY Philadelphians, be proud. The Phillies hit the 10,000 mark last night, the first franchise in any sport — in the ENTIRE recorded history of sport– to lose 10,000 games. To put this in some perspective, if Major League Baseball established an expansion team for next season, and that team lost every single game, every year, with no wins and no rain-outs, it wouldn’t get to 10,000 losses until 2069. And by that point the Phillies might be creeping up on 20,000. Other notable 10,000 Milestones fast approaching: 10,000 Pat Burrell strikeouts — ETA 2008 10,000 […]
The Super Plastic Fantastic All-Star Home Run Derby
BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY I’ll admit I haven’t watched the All-Star Home Run Derby in a couple years. It’s kinda boring. But I sat through it last night as a service to you, and because everyone knows that reading about the All-Star Home Run Derby is even MORE fun than watching it, I wrote up this running account. You’re welcome. And here’s what happened: Hosted this year at Candlestick Park AT&T Park in San Francisco, the Derby started with a live performance from (Lord have mercy) Counting Crows, singing their marginal hit “Accidentally in Love.” Sorta undermines the notion […]