BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY If I were a Congressman, the back and forth between Roger Clemens and me might sound something like this:
Congressman Mike: Thank you Chairman. I’ve listened to the questions and the answers from our witnesses today, and I’d like to start with a statement. Mr. Clemens, you are so full of shit I can smell you from here.
Lawyer Guy: Objection! Accurate but uncalled for!
CM: Withdrawn. I’d like to get to the thing that has always bothered me the most, Mr. Clemens. In 2004 you were the starting pitcher for the Houston Astros in Game 7 of the NLCS. In the bottom of the 6th inning, up by one, you hung a breaking ball to Albert Pujols which he smacked for a double, driving in a run and costing your team the lead. What were you thinking throwing that pitch to Pujols?
Mr. Clemens: Umm, I think you are misremembering. I’m pretty sure I struck him out.
CM: No, you gave up a double, I’ve seen the tape. You were shaken, and the very next pitch you grooved a fastball to Scott Rolen which he deposited over the fence for a Home Run, effectively sending the Cardinals to the World Series. Your lack of composure ended your team’s season. Is that correct, Mr. Clemens?
Mr. Clemens: Ah, no. I’ve never grooved a fastball. In fact, I’d never even heard of grooved fastballs until I saw a report on TV a couple months ago.
CM: Mr. Clemens, I remind you that you are under oath. Did you or did you not groove a fastball to Scott Rolen?
Mr. Clemens: Well, my wife likes to groove fastballs. It must have been her that did it, and she did it without my knowledge. I’ve never even talked to her about fastballs, but if I had I would have told her not to groove any. For the sake of the children.
CM: Mr. Clemens, your friend Andy Pettitte has admitted to grooving fastballs and said the two of you discussed the matter in 1999 or 2000. Is this true?
Mr. Clemens: Andy must be misremembering, I was talking about grooming Spaniels, not grooving fastballs. That Andy’s as dumb as a plastic fork!
CM: Mr. Clemens, we have some serious inconsistencies here. Let’s see if we can find any common ground. Did you ever pitch for the Boston Red Sox?
Mr. Clemens: No, that was my nanny.
CM: How about the Toronto Blue Jays?
Mr. Clemens: B-12
CM: What? Did you ever pitch for the New York Yankees?
Mr. Clemens: I work out real hard.
CM: Houston Astros?
Mr. Clemens: I love my country and my grandma.
CM: Have you ever thrown a bad pitch?
Mr. Clemens: Hell no! Don’t you know I’m THE ROCKET! I’ve never done anything wrong, heard about anything wrong, talked about anything wrong. There are no shortcuts! Do you want my autograph or not?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mike Wolverton spent two seasons as the play-by-play broadcaster for the Atlantic City Surf and has also had stints as an official scorer, public address announcer and two years as a hockey broadcaster. This year he is play-by-play announcer and official scorer of his newborn son. In between, he will be writing about sports for Phawker.