BY JONATHAN VALANIA FOR PHILADELPHIA MAGAZINE It’s the Ides of March, a date that lives in infamy, the day that Julius Caesar was betrayed and butchered by members of the Roman Senate — friends, Romans and countrymen, to a man. That was back in 44 BCE, and it’s been a bad-omen day ever since. But John Fetterman, the hulking lieutenant governor of Pennsylvania and, as such, the president of the state Senate, which he’s moments away from gaveling into session, isn’t sweating it. After all, he gets Et tu, Brute’d by the Republican-controlled Senate on a semi-regular basis. At this […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Republican Bill Of Rights
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY In recognition of Republican Jim Jordan’s tireless, and often successful, efforts to extinguish the remaining embers of American democracy, I feel it only fitting and proper that I make public what is purported to be the final draft of Jordan’s soon to be proposed twenty-eighth amendment to the United States Constitution. It is to be titled “The Bill of Republican Rights” (co-signers include Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Rick Scott, Tom Cotton, John Cornyn, Josh Hawley, Ron Johnson, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio). With full acceptance of Republican party racism, bigotry, xenophobia, gullibility, and armaments worship, […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: American Carnage Cont.
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Hey, hey, NRA–and the political pawns you pay to perpetuate your mass-murdering ways — how many Americans did you terminate today? If that sounds radically morbid, I certainly hope so. Since 2018 some 1,453 Americans have been killed in mass shootings in this country (I would have included the staggering mind-numbing year-by-year gun violence statistics but that still wouldn’t sway these conscienceless Republican killers one scintilla). Have Republican politicians EVER done anything substantive about gun violence? Of course not. Will they? Not a chance. Their feet and their feelings are so calloused that they can’t even […]
WORTH REPEATING: The Insurrectionist In Chief
Illustration by Andrew Zbihlyj THE NEW REPUBLIC: In February’s Senate trial to impeach and convict Donald Trump for the crime of inciting an insurrection at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, the modern GOP had one last shot at rescuing its long-battered image as a responsible governing party. It might have reclaimed something of its former standing as an honest broker in the American two-party system, committed (among other things) to the peaceful transition of power, the conduct of free and fair elections, and each federal lawmaker’s oath to uphold the Constitution. Instead, it chose, yet again, the path of […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Your QPAC Scorecard
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY This just in: Determined to keep the former would-be Fuhrer at the forefront of their lily-white-skinned nationalist agenda, CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) has announced that effective February 28, 2021, it will be changing its acronym/name to ATAC (Annual Trump Affirming Conference). In keeping with such action I think it only fitting and fair that some of Donnie’s phoniest, most two-faced, spineless, self-serving curtsiers and ring-kissers get a bit of well earned homage as well. I mean, it’s the least we can do. Here, in no particular order of their ignominy, are perhaps the most repellent of […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Profiles In Cowardice
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Listen up, all ye would-be retainers of your precious Republican (in name only) Senate and House seats, all you timid, trembling, yellow-bellied, come to truth latelies, who’d reluctantly proclaim you’re finally willing to put your country above pandering to Trump and his pestilent hoards of punks and chumps, and meekly beg the forgiveness of the REAL Republican party. Pay attention! I’m about to present you with a guaranteed, fool-proof, fail-safe means of doing the right thing, the patriotic thing, the decent thing for a change; something that just may provide you a second chance at salvaging the courage […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Time 2 Take Out The Trash
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Breaking news: Just released transcript of Capitol Hill telephone conversation between Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy: “Oh, my God, Kev, I’ve just been informed that that strange Greene substance the scientists unknowingly brought back from the asteroid destruction mission is mutating into a Trump mimicking monstrosity!! I’m told it’s spreading like a giant Donnie lie dump in liquid form!! What are we going to do?! We’ve got to stop it!! Maybe we can get it scooped up into audio-tight containers and ship them off to a federal landfill, maybe in northwest Georgia, huh?! Waddaya think?! […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: The Impeachment Vaccine
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Note to all wannabe 2024 Republican presidential candidates: It’s never too soon to start cementing that bucket list of seditionist acts you’ve always dreamed of committing but were entirely too fearful to vocalize. It just so happens that as we speak your previous Republican president is in the process of showing you, step by step, precisely how to insure that you will NEVER suffer any adverse effects from doing so. There is one small catch, however. You must perpetrate said sedition–and/or your choice of felonious act(s)–within two weeks of termination of your presidential term. Unfortunately, at this […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Make America Pastel Again
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The following is a just received excerpt from the text of Trump’s original (it was removed from the final text because his aids thought it might bring into question his diehard fans’ image of him as a “really smart guy”) self-congratulatory speech commemorating his “Great Trumpian Wall” and fulfillment of his pledge that fair, unbiased, comprehensive immigration legislation would never get passed during his four-year tenure as neo-Fascist in Chief … well, sorta: My Fellow Pale Riders, I have asked you to gather here today to kick off my executive order proclaming that henceforth the 12th […]
SMUS: Rats Fleeing A Sinking Ship Are Not Moral Or Principled, They Are Just Scared, Wet Rats
Where have all these Donnie-Come-Latelies been for the past 5 years?! Where have all these now “forsaking” Cabinet Secretaries, advisors, aids, confidants, and assorted creeps, crawlers, cronies, spaniels and suck-ups been?! Were they just too stupid to recognize his toxic imbecility? Were they just too like-minded to recognize his racism, bigotry and xenophobia? Were they simply too fear-ridden to say aloud that the Emperor wore no clothes? Were they just so proud of their own partisanship as to gladly perpetuate his division? Were they so mindful of their own dishonesty as to overlook his blatant corruption? Were they so occupied […]
WORTH REPEATING: Impeachment Now!
ESQUIRE: He has to go. Now. This moment. Donald J. Trump cannot be allowed to be President* of the United States for a single second longer. It’s not simply that he is unfit for the office he holds. I mean, that’s true of Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz, too. Trump is something worse. He has proven himself to be a national security threat, the most serious one in Washington since the Royal Marines burned the place. He’s a traitor to his oath and to his country. He needs to be forced out, either through the provisions of the 25th Amendment […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: The Art Of The Steal
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The following is an exact transcript of phone call between the President and Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger … well, kinda: SIDNEY POWELL: Mr. President, please pick up on line #1. We’re having a bit of a problem with “secure” connections today, but I don’t think it’s anything you have to worry about. Anyway, I finally have Brad Raffensberger on the line. Says he’s been up to his ass in phony vote tally allegations lately but has finally found time to get back to you. DONALD TRUMP: Thank you, Sidney, I’ll take it from […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: The Hider In Chief
The President is missing! The President is missing! Where is the President?! Well, have you looked on the golf course? Yes, he’s not there! Have you looked in his bedroom? Yes! He’s not in the bathroom either! Did you check the closet? Yes, no luck! Did you check Melania’s closet? Yes; and besides, there’s no room in there to hide! Have you checked the bunker? Of course, but it’s empty! Have you scoured Mar-a-Lago and Trump Tower? Yes, top to bottom! How about Jim Jordan’s closet? Yes, he’s not in there! What about Ted Cruz’s closet? Yes, we checked there […]