SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: The Art Of The Steal



BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The following is an exact transcript of phone call between the President and Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger … well, kinda:

SIDNEY POWELL: Mr. President, please pick up on line #1. We’re having a bit of a problem with “secure” connections today, but I don’t think it’s anything you have to worry about. Anyway, I finally have Brad Raffensberger on the line. Says he’s been up to his ass in phony vote tally allegations lately but has finally found time to get back to you.

DONALD TRUMP: Thank you, Sidney, I’ll take it from here. Hello, Brad, this is the President. Where the hell have you been? I’ve placed 18 calls to your office! What’s going on? You know, people don’t usually ignore calls from me. It’s just not politically prudent … if you get my drift.

BRAD RAFFENSPERGER: Could you hold for a minute Don, I’ve got another call coming in. [five minutes of silence] Okay, I’m back. What was it that you felt couldn’t wait Don?

DONALD TRUMP: Show a little respect for Christ’s sake, Brad! It’s not like Pence was trying to get in touch with you! Anyway, listen up. I need you to find about 12,000 or so Republican votes for me. I don’t give a damn where you find them, just make the “find” tenable or, at the very least, plausible. I can handle it from there. That’s it, Brad. Sorry, but I have to run. Got Graham, Hawley and Guiliani waiting for me on the first tee. Oh yeah, and of course this conversation never took place. Have a great day!

BRAD RAFFENSPERGER: Hold it, Don, hold it! Sounds like you’re asking me to commit fraud, to actually “rig” the election. Is that what you’re asking?

DONALD TRUMP: You decide, Brad. The ball’s in your court–no pun intended. Do you like your job? Do you feel that there’s a future for you in the Republican party? Just asking, of course. I wouldn’t want you to think that I was in any way asking you to commit a criminal act or do anything that could even remotely be construed as underhanded. You do understand that, right? Got to go, Brad. Tee times aren’t negotiable. Bye.

DONALD TRUMP: How’d I do, Sidney?

SIDNEY POWELL: They don’t call you the Artist of the Deal for nothing, Donnie. Are we still set to hook up later? I’ve got some choice conspiracy theories for you to review … and maybe we could catch up on a little extracurricular activity as well … if you get MY drift!