BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Note to all wannabe 2024 Republican presidential candidates: It’s never too soon to start cementing that bucket list of seditionist acts you’ve always dreamed of committing but were entirely too fearful to vocalize. It just so happens that as we speak your previous Republican president is in the process of showing you, step by step, precisely how to insure that you will NEVER suffer any adverse effects from doing so. There is one small catch, however. You must perpetrate said sedition–and/or your choice of felonious act(s)–within two weeks of termination of your presidential term. Unfortunately, at this time it appears that the extent of wiggle room with respect to that time frame is yet to be tested. But, what the hell, you’ve got two weeks. Are you going to quibble about a day or two at either end? Save your avarice and amorality for the preceding 206 weeks (or, in a limited number of instances, the previous 414). This is final fomentation time! And, yes, “standing in the middle of 5th Avenue and shooting somebody” is included.
Step One: Pay no attention whatsoever to the word “impeachment.” That’s just House of Representatives speak for “we think you did something really bad.” They simply write down what “badness” they claim to have uncovered and pass it on to the Senate for the actual legal stuff.
Step Two: Deny everything. Get yourself a few decent lawyers. Continue to deny everything. Go about your normal routine. Keep on denying everything. Round up a few character witnesses. Never stop denying everything.
Step Three: Count on your Veep to slow things down. I mean, that’s what you picked him for, right? Lean on him a bit if you think he’s wavering. Start calling him an ungrateful jerk if necessary.
Step Four: Drop a few hints to your Republican party Senators that they may rue the day they ever vote for conviction. Remind them of the huge treasure chest of donations you’ve amassed that could “possibly” affect their upcoming re-election bids. Heh, heh.
Step Five: Relax. Your spineless, quaking, servile, Groveling Obsequious Puppets have gotten the message and voted that the very act of putting you on trial is, in and of itself, entirely UNconstitutional.
Step Six: Tell them to warm up Air Force One. You’re free to go. Roll out the red carpet. Strike up the band. Shoot off the salutes. Wave to the witless out the window. Enjoy the trip.
So, as you can clearly see, you have absolutely nothing to fear. And never forget that QAnon, the Proud Boys, the KKK, the Boogaloo Bois, the Three Percenters, the Wolverine Watchmen, Fox News, and almost the entire Republican establishment–and let us never diminish the putrefactive pandering prowess of Marjorie “The Queen Of Spleens” Taylor Greene–will always have your back … well, maybe.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage octogenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.