BY JONATHAN VALANIA The Constitution may be a remarkable schematic of human rights in a liberal democracy but it’s a terrible piece of comedy. Seriously, I didn’t laugh once. And what the world needs now, besides love-sweet-love, is funny. Kevin Bleyer has a pretty impressive resume in The Funny: humorous commentaries on NPR’s All Things considered; staff writer for Bill Maher and Dennis Miller; joke writer for President Obama’s White House Correspondence Dinner speeches; three Emmys and more than a 1000 broadcast hours of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart under his belt as a staff writer. One day he […]
NEW LOW: Douchebag Tea Party Chicken Hawk Sez Opponent Who Lost Both Legs When Her Helicopter Was Shot Down In Iraq Isn’t A ‘True Hero’
THINK PROGRESS: Though he never joined the military himself, Rep. Joe Walsh (R-IL) disparaged his Democratic opponent’s military service at a town hall on Sunday, saying that she’s not a “true hero.” Walsh is running against Tammy Duckworth, a double amputee who lost both her legs in Iraq when insurgents hit her helicopter with an RPG in 2004. The Tea Party freshman opened the Elk Grove town hall by arguing that Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) was reluctant to discuss his own military service in 2008, which made him a “noble hero.” By contrast, “Now I’m running against a woman […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Life’s Rich Pageant
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY So the other day I was, for reasons unclear, daydreaming about a Mitt Romney inaugural parade that celebrates the forces stacked against what’s left of the middle-class — or as Mitt might call it, The Envious Class — full-blown flag-waving plutocratic fanfare for the uncommon man complete with flag bearers, floats and a marching band. Actually, it’s not all that imaginary. It’s pretty much already underway. To wit: The Flag Bearers: Here’s a trivia question the answer to which may be one of the most unconscionable statistics ever recorded: What is the amount of money […]
EXTRA! EXTRA!: Mr. Phawker Goes To Washington
DAILY NEWS: We’re surprised he cleared Secret Service security, but Phawker.com editor Jonathan Valania was at the White House on Friday interviewing President Obama’s press secretary, Jay Carney, about his love of indie-rock veterans Guided By Voices. The interview is to appear in the October issue of Magnet. Like the local music magazine, which had been on hiatus, Guided By Voices is also back, after more than five years apart, and plays the Trocadero (1003 Arch) on July 6. Carney revealed his affinity for the Ohio-based Robert Pollard and his GBV cohorts last year. The interview was rescheduled a […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: The Tao Of Mitt
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Mitt Romney’s appearance at Liberty University was altogether astounding given the fact that applicants to the school must specifically reject the Mormon concept of God and acknowledge that the Book of Mormon is not divine revelation. Be that as it may, he took the present-company-accepted opportunity to genuflect his steadfast concurrence with the Christian “tradition” of marriage being between one man and one woman (he opposes civil unions and supports a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage as well) and it got me to thinking about his own rather dubious religious heritage and the inescapable bit of hypocrisy that could easily attach thereto. Just in case you’re one of those who remain […]
WAR PIGS: GOP Votes To Literally Take Food Out Of The Mouths Of The Hungry To Build More Bombs
BLOOMBERG NEWS: The U.S. House voted to cut food stamps, federal workers’ benefits and other domestic programs to avoid scheduled reductions in defense spending. The chamber today passed, 218-199, a plan to cut about $310 billion in spending to replace automatic defense-spending reductions that lawmakers in both parties agree shouldn’t be allowed to take effect in January. “This plan ensures that we maintain our fiscal discipline and commitment to reducing out-of-control government spending, while making sure our top priority is national security,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, a Virginia Republican. Democrats lined up against the measure, H.R. 5652, saying […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: The Invisible Wars
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The recent White House Correspondents “Laugh-In” reminded me of one past when Obama quipped about how young men with designs on Sasha or Malia could be met with Predator drones, and another when “dubya” pretended to search under and around the dais for WMDs. To me it was almost surreal (and, yeah, I’ll be criticized for this) conjuring up a picture of Adolf purportedly dancing a jig upon learning that France had been brought to its knees. So cute, and oh so unfitting. All three acts were so dispassionate and detached from the reality of […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Pit Bulls & Cocky Moms
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY The political over-importance and consequent over-propagandizing attached to Hilary Rosen’s recent questioning of Ann Romney’s work record brings to mind a previous column I authored concerning birthright/inheritance and the hyper-critical role it plays in determining one’s economic future — and the fact that this whole child-rearing “choice” kerfuffle only serves to further emphasize the point. How so? you ask. Well, because today’s moms’ “choice” of child rearing methods is determined almost entirely by economic status rather than any altruism or feminism on their part, and is but another example of the overriding influence that something none of us had […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: High Noonan
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY On March 31st Peggy Noonan authored a piece for the Wall Street Journal entitled “Not-So-Smooth Operator” in which she feebly attempted to articulate her opinion(s) as to why President Obama was increasingly coming across as devious and dishonest. Well, Peggy, all I can say is — and, trust me, there are a multitude of things about this administration with which even I take exception — that after reading it I have come to the inescapable conclusion that America should finally grant you the recognition you so richly deserve as one of this country’s most cognitive and astute judges […]
SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: You Don’t Have To Be An M.D. To Understand That Health Care Ain’t Broccoli
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Yes, I know it’s been debated nearly to death, but a careful reading of some of the more visceral right-wing commentaries (and that includes those of a certain four Supreme Court Justices — I’d say five but one is a mute) in support of a rollback of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (that’s ObamaCare for you cliché conservatives) has lead me to wonder why the media haven’t examined more closely these naysayers’ rather “feeble and infirmed” arguments. So, break out the Extra Strength Excedrin, Tea Partiers, Dr. William is about to offer a few informed rebuttals and interpretations on the subject. Oh, and by the way, […]
CRAZY TRAIN: How To Confuse And Scare Busloads Of Bitter Old White People About A Law That Insures 16 Million More While Having Zero Effect On Them
NEWS RELEASE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Monday, March 26, 2012 CONTACT: Jennifer Stefano at (610) 207-7901 or jstefano@afphq.org Tomorrow: Pennsylvania Buses Headed to Major DC Rally Massive rally will feature powerhouse lineup of speakers, large coalition WASHINGTON – Americans for Prosperity-Pennsylvania, a leading grassroots organization with over 110,000 members opposed to Obama’s health care takeover, is proud to be part of the “Hands Off My Healthcare Rally” in Washington, D.C. tomorrow. AFP-Pennsylvania has hundreds of activists heading down to the Capitol Tuesday morning. 16 buses will be leaving from the following locations: Lebanon, Lancaster, York, Harrisburg, Camp Hill, Gettysburg, Butler, Allegeny/Pittsburgh, Monroeville, […]
AFPAK: The Darkness At The End Of The Tunnel
BY WILLIAM C. HENRY At best, two of our highest-level politicians are loonies. However, it’s the “at worst” (I’ll leave it up to the reader’s imagination) characterization I fear is by far the more befitting. In any event, if you see either of them or know of their whereabouts, DO attempt to contact! Here’s the inescapable reality, Mr. President and Mr. #1 Wannabe: With each passing day it’s becoming more and more evident that the American people are finally fed up — they want us out of there NOW, not next year or the year after — with the incessant lies, obfuscations and […]
SIDEWALKING: Sweet Jane
Cleveland, November 3rd, 1970, by Cleveland Police Dept. RELATED: The actress had just finished working on Klute – hence her distinctive haircut – when she was arrested at an airport in Cleveland on November 3, 1970. The customs officers wrongly accused Fonda of drug smuggling after finding vitamins labelled b, l and d (breakfast, lunch and dinner) in her bag. Known for her political activism, her arrest over something so innocent as vitamins was a sign of the paranoia of the time. At the time, the actress was on her way back from speaking at an anti-Vietnam war fundraiser in […]