SMUS: Michelle Bachmann’s Greatest Sh*ts


BY WILLIAM C. HENRY As you’ve no doubt heard by now, The Bogeywoman of Minnesota is giving up the Washington ghost. Good riddance! Don’t let the door smack you on the ass on the way out, Michele! Wait a minute. Is it possible that her pending departure isn’t such great news after all? I mean, could we actually find ourselves missing her? Just think, no more exulting in such divinely inspired declarations of humaneness and tolerance as: ”Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

Or, “This is an earthquake issue. This will change our state forever. Because the immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.” Or who could forget the exhaustively researched statistics of this gem, ”There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.” Or the astutely applied funhouse logic of, ”I don’t know where they’re going to get all this money because we’re running out of rich people in this country.”  Or the humble self-deprecation of, “I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I’m not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I’m not a scientist.”

And who’ll be able to match her unrivaled mastery of “classical” economics: “If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” And let’s not forget her iron-clad grasp of current U.S. fiscal policy: ”I’m very concerned about the international moves they’re making, particularly … moving the United States off the dollar and onto a global currency, like Russia and China are calling for.” Or her groundbreaking work in the field of climate science:  “The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. Its all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax.” And heaven knows we’re sure gonna miss her undeniable expertise in matters surrounding the birth of our nation, “But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. … I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forebearers who worked tirelessly — men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.”

And come to think of it, what about her profound discernment in such matters as personal privacy: “Does that mean that someone’s 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus? That night, mom and dad are never the wiser.” Or her uncanny grasp of geologic time: ”[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said, she has even said, she is trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that 2,000 years ago.” And who else will not let the fact that she is patently unqualified to render any kind of medical opinion stop her from doing so:  “A woman (Terri Schiavo) was healthy. There was brain damage, there was no question. But from a health point of view, she was not terminally ill.”

And let us never forget her prolific dissemination of utterly baseless statistics: ”It is horrific to know that in the African American community, 50 percent of all African American pregnancies in the United States end in abortion, 50 percent. That is a genocide of African Americans of the United States. It should not be. There are Americans all across this country who would love to adopt African American babies, but they can’t because 50 percent of all African American pregnancies today are ending in abortion.” And what about her dogged determination to see to it that no wasteful government expenditure is left unexposed: “The President of the United States will be taking a trip over to India that is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day.” Yep, no doubt about it, I’m sure gonna miss the muculent old malapropster. That eel-like, swim-a-little-closer-Mr-Minnow smirk. Who am I kidding!? Heat up the lard. I like those slippery critters deep fried with a little picante sauce on the side. Tastes a lot like dumbcluck, if you get my drift.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.