[illustration by ALEX FINE] BY JONATHAN VALANIA Talk about a confederacy of yutzes: Harris Wofford, bless his heart, has completely lost it, and I am not just talking about his voice, which was in short supply when he took the lectern to introduce the guy who would introduce the guy who would introduce Barack Obama; next up, Chaka Fattah is hands down the LEAST inspiring speaker I have ever had the displeasure of suffering through; and Bob Brady is a great party cheerleader, and the guy you want doling out the patronage goodies, able to keep a vast running ledger […]
WORTH REPEATING: Goddamn Right We’re Bitter!
BY JOHN BAER OF THE DAILY NEWS As a native-born, small-town Pennsylvanian, a son of native-born, small-town Pennsylvania parents — one from the coal region, one from Lancaster County — let me assure you that the so-called offensive, condescending things Barack Obama said about the people I come from are basically right on target. “Bitter” perhaps best describes my late mother, an angry Irish Catholic who absolutely clung to her religion. Dad, also a journalist, wasn’t really bitter as far as I know, but he sure liked to hunt. So, despite carping from Hillary Clinton and annoying yapping from her […]
I, POLLSTER: Phawker’s Hilariously Un-Scientific Pennsyltucky Primary Keystoned Cell Phone Poll
BY JONATHAN VALANIA A long time ago, in a Clinton campaign far, far away, James Carville famously declared that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia and Alabama in between. Aw, yeah: Pennsyltucky. We know thee well. It’s sort of like watching the Dukes Of Hazzard after smoking too much kielbasa. Like sweat socks with a Sunday suit. Like the Deer Hunter costumed by Wal-Mart. It’s the long dark Chicken Dance of the national soul. Lord help us all. Anyway, with the national press are already converging on the Keystone state to get some local color on their laptops, we feel an […]
MONICA: What Is Johnny Doc Hiding?
BY MONICA YANT KINNEY OF THE INQUIRER Say you’re a powerful union boss who chairs the city’s Redevelopment Authority, serves as a Delaware River Port Authority commissioner, presides over a South Philadelphia waterfront neighborhood group, and dreams of being mayor or, for now, state senator. It’s 2005. You earn $175,000 that year and decide to renovate your home. Do you (a) rent a place for the duration of the messy six-month project or (b) live for free at a luxury waterfront apartment building owned by a prominent developer? John Dougherty chose b. Personally, if I wore as many hats as […]
SIGNED ‘BITTER IN PENNSYLTUCKY’: An Open Letter To America From The Mayor of Braddock, Pennsylvania
To Whom It May Concern: We live in small towns and rural areas throughout Pennsylvania and we support Barack Obama for President. A few days ago, Sen. Obama made some comments that his opponents are now using to make him appear as if he is something he is not. Instead of speaking to us honestly about how they intend to solve the problems we are facing, they are playing the same old Washington games that accomplish nothing. What Sen. Obama said is that over the last 25-30 years, working class people in places like Pennsylvania have been falling behind, and […]
BOB DYLAN: Forever Young
About a month ago, a friend of Phawker forwarded a series of public service announcement YouTubes made by her uncle imploring the president to restore the cuts he has made to cancer research (SEE BELOW). The spots were made by an ad exec named Jerry Hunnicut (aka Uncle Jerry) and his son Matthew, who also works in advertising (if you have seen a Coke ad in the last few years, you have seen his work). Don’t know all the details, but Uncle Jerry was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told he had a year to live. More recently, Uncle Jerry’s […]
MEDIA: How Chris Matthews Is Hurting America
We are at a loss to explain to exactly what, besides halitosis and hot air, Chris Matthews and David Shuster bring to the table in ANY discussion, let alone one about politics. It beggars disbelief that these two are paid good money — Matthews reportedly makes $5 million a year to spew this drivel! — to handicap a presidential election, but then again, the last eight years simply could not have happened without these mice among men. And just for the above exchange, which is about as inane as it gets, these two get to share ASSHAT OF THE WEEK […]
HOT DOC: Democracy Needs Your Autograph
DEAR FRIENDS, Zimbabwe is on a knife’s edge between democracy and chaos. Election results STILL have not been released from the 29 March nationwide vote — two weeks after the polls closed — and each day, more signals emerge that Mugabe will resort to violence and fraud to hold on to power. Mugabe is unlikely to listen to the world’s outcry–but he might listen to his old friend and powerful neighbour Thabo Mbeki, president of South Africa. Click below to add your name to a petition calling for the results to be released, verified, and peacefully honored, and we will […]
REVEALED: House Of Horrors
DAILY MAIL: The White House was directly implicated for the first time last night in the decision to torture Al Qaeda prisoners. Sources say that Vice President Dick Cheney and a handful of other top politicians met in secret and agreed to the mistreatment of prisoners, according to ABC TV News and the Associated Press. As part of the decision-making process, they were given demonstrations of the techniques used. And as a direct result, the CIA was given the go-ahead to punch suspected terrorists, deprive them of sleep, and practise waterboarding — simulated drowning. According to the sources, Mr Cheney […]
100 YEARS IN IRAQ: Six Months At A Time
MOVEON: How do you get to 100 years in Iraq? Six months at a time.
NEWS CLUES: ‘It’s A Dog-Eat-Donkey World’ Edition
ASS ATTACK: Escaped Pitbulls Fatally Maul Two Beloved Burros Two South Jersey pitbulls were captured last night after allegedly killing a miniature donkey and fatally wounding another, police said. The dogs escaped from their Vineland home Tuesday morning and eluded capture. Neal Parker, who owns a 26-acre farm in Millville, Cumberland County, spotted the two dogs running on his property. One of Parker’s beloved donkeys, a 14-year-old named Webster, was dead in a pen. Another donkey, Carolyn, 10, was mortally injured protecting its foal. Parker summoned police who searched for the dogs without success, a Millville police spokesman said. A […]
Army Ships ‘Evil-Doer Detectors’ To Theaters Of War
MSNBC: The Pentagon will issue hand-held lie detectors this month to U.S. Army soldiers in Afghanistan, pushing to the battlefront a century-old debate over the accuracy of the polygraph. The Defense Department says the portable device isn’t perfect, but is accurate enough to save American lives by screening local police officers, interpreters and allied forces for access to U.S. military bases, and by helping narrow the list of suspects after a roadside bombing. The device has already been tried in Iraq and is expected to be deployed there as well. “We’re not promising perfection — we’ve been very careful in […]
BILAL IS FREE: Iraqi Judge Dismisses Terror Charges
BAGHDAD (AP) — An Iraqi judicial committee has dismissed terrorism-related allegations against Associated Press photographer Bilal Hussein and ordered him freed after nearly two years in U.S. military custody. The decision by a four-judge panel says Hussein’s case falls under a new amnesty law and orders Iraqi courts to “cease legal proceedings.” The ruling says that Hussein should be “immediately” released if no other charges are pending. The ruling is dated Monday but AP’s lawyers were not able to thoroughly review it until Wednesday. AP President Tom Curley is hailing the decision and demands that officials “finally do the right […]