EYE SAW AN X-RAY OF A GIRL PASSING GAS Part 2: Remember Son, ‘Better To Regret Something You HAVE Done Than To Regret Something You HAVEN’T Done’

BY JONATHAN VALANIA [CLICK HERE TO READ PART 1] Admittedly it was hard to evangelize about a band called Butthole Surfers — the name itself took a lot of explaining. (“Yeah, I know, I know ‘stupid name’, but…not gay, no, nothing gay about them…well actually I guess the drummer is gay…but there is a naked chick dancing most of the time.” And that was just with my mother! It didn’t go any easier with the family pastor, let me tell ya.) But evangelize we did, because brothers and sisters, friends of the revolution, after 20 epileptic minutes under those strobe […]

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PAPERBOY: ‘Duane’s Last Stand’ Edition

BY AMY Z. QUINN Like time, news waits for no man. Keeping up with the funny papers has always been an all-day job, even in the pre-Internets era. These days, however, it’s a two-man job. That’s right, these days you need someone to do your reading for you, or risk falling hopelessly behind and, as a result, increasing your chances of dying lonely and somewhat bitter. That’s why every week, PAPERBOY does your alt-weekly reading for you. We pore over those time-consuming cover stories and give you the takeaway, suss out the cover art, warn you off the ink-wasters and […]

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5 Things You Should Know About FOOD FOR ANIMALS

1. Founding members Vulture Voltaire (rhymes) and Ricky Rabbit (beats) began life as dutiful D.C.-area hardcore kids, but they could not ignore the gravitational yank of the funk, the skronk-appeal of free jazz, or the verbal clarity of hip-hop. Now they make crazy rap songs. Don’t even try to talk smack about Outkast around them. 2. Vulture V needed some lyrical yin to his yang, so the group made rapper Hy a fully vested member for “Belly,” their second CD, which has a home on Hoss Records. Hy is supremely confident about his microphone abilities: “But fuck bein’ humble/When it […]

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CAMPUS MASSACRE: Ill. Gunman Kills 5, Shoots 18

DeKALB, Ill. — With minutes left in a class in ocean sciences at Northern Illinois University on Thursday afternoon, a tall skinny man dressed all in black stepped out from behind a curtain on the stage of the lecture hall, said nothing, and opened fire with a shotgun, the authorities and witnesses said. The man shot again and again, witnesses said, perhaps 20 times or more. Students in the large lecture hall, stunned and screaming, dropped to the floor. They crouched behind anything they could find, even an overhead projector. They scattered, the blood of victims spattering, some said, on […]

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SPORTO: If I Were A Congressman…

BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY If I were a Congressman, the back and forth between Roger Clemens and me might sound something like this: Congressman Mike: Thank you Chairman. I’ve listened to the questions and the answers from our witnesses today, and I’d like to start with a statement. Mr. Clemens, you are so full of shit I can smell you from here. Lawyer Guy: Objection! Accurate but uncalled for! CM: Withdrawn. I’d like to get to the thing that has always bothered me the most, Mr. Clemens. In 2004 you were the starting pitcher for the Houston Astros in […]

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COMING ATTRACTION: An Exclusive Interview With I Am Trying To Break Your Heart Director Sam Jones

In honor of you-know-who coming to town next week we will be running an in-depth Q&A with Sam Jones, the director of I Am Trying To Break Your Heart. Sam is probably better known for his commercial photography — you have seen his work, believe me. He recently published Here And Now (Harper Collins), a collection of his stunning celebrity portraiture, with forward by George Clooney. [Artwork by SETH WOLFSHORNDL]

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EARLY WORD: Hit The Road, Jack

PHILADELPHIA – On February 15th, the Hiway Theatre, located at 212 Old York Road in Jenkintown, will premiere the film series, Road Trips and Amazing Journeys to celebrate the one-year anniversary of the historic theatre’s reopening. The opening night celebration will begin with a screening of director Walter Salles’ acclaimed feature The Motorcycle Diaries (2004), chronicling the adventures of a young Che Guevara, followed by the featured selection for the evening – the critically acclaimed comedy Last Stop for Paul. Hailed as, “A unique accomplishment. Always entertaining. Very funny and at times quite touching” by film critic Richard Roeper, the […]

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CINEMA: Brutal Youth

YOUTH WITHOUT YOUTH (2007, directed by Francis Ford Coppola, 124 minutes, U.S.) BY DAN BUSKIRK FILM CRITIC Back in September of last year, The New York Times ran an article called “Francis Ford Coppola, A Kid To Watch.” A.O. Scott’s article spun a tale of how the sixty-eight year old director had re-stoked the fire in his belly while working quickly and efficiently with a young Romanian crew on his brainy and reflective comeback. It was an enticing idea, that after poking around his vineyard for the last decade Coppola had kicked off whatever funk had led him to make misfire […]

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911: The Joke That Isn’t Funny Anymore

INQUIRER: Brenda Orr of Doylestown was trapped in a burning bed, immobilized by multiple sclerosis, when she dialed 911 on Jan. 29. Twenty-eight seconds passed before a Bucks County dispatcher answered Orr’s call. Then he put her on hold. It took 26 more seconds for a second dispatcher to pick up. “911. The bed is on fire,” Orr, 53, yelled into her phone. By then a minute had elapsed since Orr had first dialed. A half-minute later, she spoke her final words before the phone went dead. “The bed is fully inflamed,” she said. Bucks County officials, acknowledging that Orr’s […]

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IN 1987: I Saw An X-Ray Of Girl Passing Gas

BY JONATHAN VALANIA First thing you should know is that what I am about to tell you violates a solemn pact that was made by all involved: Whatever happens in 1987 stays in 1987. I grew up in Pennsyltucky — Allentown, PA, to be exact — and by the time I was getting to the be the age where you just WANNA GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE, a shiny new superhighway literally appeared out of thin air, connecting the hinterlands of the Keystone State to New York City with a directness and efficiency that was heretofore unimaginable. You could […]

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