The President is missing! The President is missing! Where is the President?! Well, have you looked on the golf course? Yes, he’s not there! Have you looked in his bedroom? Yes! He’s not in the bathroom either! Did you check the closet? Yes, no luck! Did you check Melania’s closet? Yes; and besides, there’s no room in there to hide! Have you checked the 
bunker? Of course, but it’s empty! Have you scoured Mar-a-Lago and Trump Tower? Yes, top to bottom! How about Jim Jordan’s closet? Yes, he’s not in there! What about Ted Cruz’s closet? Yes, we checked there too! What about Mitch McConnell’s office? Yup, we checked it! What about Ron Johnson’s and Josh Hawley’s closets and bathrooms? Yes, we’ve checked them all! We’ve literally checked under the desks, in the offices, bathrooms and closets–and under the skirts where applicable–of every single Republican member of Congress and Republican appointed Supreme Court justice! Have you checked with Moscow? Yes, they deny any connection and claim to not even know who we’re talking about! Wait a minute! There’s a bulletin coming in! The President has been found! The President has been found! Okay, so where has he been for God’s sake?! Apparently he’s been on an extended sojourn at Sing Sing Prison in Ossining, New York. Claims he just wanted to get acclimated. Details are sketchy at this time and close advisors and confidants have so far remained silent. Stay tuned for updates after January 20th! — WILLIAM C. HENRY