BY MIKE WOLVERTON SPORTS GUY So the Saints won. That was cool and all. Tracy Porter’s 4th-quarter interception return might have been the biggest “We Just Won The Super Bowl” moment ever. From totally in doubt to virtually assured in four seconds. Congrats, NOLA. I’ve always wanted to write a Super Bowl Commercial Review, because the one in the USA Today is shit. So here goes. A true Super Bowl Ad can only air while the game is being played. Pregame and Halftime ads are out. Forget the “straight” ones too…the car commercials (3), Movie trailers (5), TV Promos (21) and others that just aren’t going for a laugh (13). The rest were trying to be funny, and I’ve given them a ranking from 0-10. Anything that scored a five or higher I considered funny. And by that tally, unfunny was the winner, 28-21. You can check them all out HERE. And now, the blow-by-blow:
Bud Light Beer House: 4. Had potential
Snickers pickup football: 8. Yes. Betty White is funny. Abe Vigoda is still alive? I originally gave this one a 7, but had to adjust the curve upwards after the dreck that followed.
Tim Tebow with mom: 0. Awful. Back-to-back women getting tackled ads? I liked Tim Tebow until now
Boost Mobile Shuffle: 5. Not bad. Or should I say, That’s Fresh
Doritos Bark Collar: 2. Poor. Dogs cannot operate clasp-locks
Doritos Keep your hands off my mama: 4. Almost funny. That kid is too young to be saying that
Bud Light Asteroid Party: 5. Just cut it. Smart casting the Dharma Initiative guy
NCIS Head Slap: 3. Maybe it would be funnier if I’d ever seen that show
Coke Monty Burns Bankrupt: 3. Love the Simpsons, but this ad blew
Go Daddy Girl: 2. If I have to go to the Internet to see more, I’ll go somewhere other than Go Daddy and really see something.
Doritos in the casket: 3. Oh-for-three for Doritos.
Bud Light with T-Pain: 5. Not quite sure why I found this funny. And now I know who T-Pain is.
Monster Beaver Violinist. 2. I get it. Beavers don’t play violin. Ha
Bridgestone Orca: 5. Should be lower, but saved by the “It’s in my mouth!” line
Cars.com guy saves the cheerleaders: 3. Not into that whole premise
Budweiser Truck Human Bridge: 5. I was on the fence until the last line
Late Show Letterman/Oprah/Leno: 5. I laughed, so there was something funny in there. Why is Leno doing a self-deprecating ad on CBS?
Career builder Casual Friday: 6. Lumpy bodies in underwear = funny
Dockers “Wear no pants”: 1. Back-to-back underwear commercials?
Hyundai Brett Favre: 6. Football-related and sorta funny. Qualifies as a winner among this crop.
Bud Light “Lost”: 4. Not quite.
Dove for Men: 5 “Honey open this jar” struck a nerve.
Dodge Charger: 5. Again, I’m married, so they got me with “I will watch your Vampire TV shows with you”.
TeleFlora Flowers in a Box: 3. She looked like a pain in the ass
Dr. Pepper Mini Kiss: 2. I grant you Mini Kiss is funny, but not in this ad
TruTV Punxsutawney Polamalu: 3. Back-to-back midget ads?
FloTV Spine Removed: 4. Should have gotten there, don’t know what happened.
Intel Robot: 4. Cute. Not funny
Halftime show: Daltrey looks older than Townshend. What a coup getting Nigel Tufnel to play drums. And I never knew Paul Shaffer was in The Who. Now I do.
Motorola girl in tub: 6. Gotta give it to any ad that plays the “boy in bathroom masturbating” card. Was I supposed to know who that woman was?
Volkswagon punch buggy: 4. Even Stevie Wonder couldn’t make this a winner.
Denny’s free Grand Slam: 4. I wanted to like this ad, especially after the shot of the chicken playing pool. But that was all it had.
Homeaway.com with the Griswolds: 7. “Complementary with an e. It complements the room. It’s not free.” Good stuff.
Bridgestone or your wife: 4. How does a 4th-rate tire company afford these ads?
KGB Sumo wrestler: 4. Almost funny, but if you are giving me Sumo wresting, then I want a fat fucking yokozuna, not a 255 pounder.
Coke African sleepwalker: 3. Not buying it
Etrade talking baby: 2. Talking babies are creepy. Especially those who are gettin’ some on the side
2010Census.gov: 6. I laughed
Kia with toys come to life: 6. I have kids so any Yo Gabba Gabba tie-in works for me. As long as it isn’t Foofa or Toodie.
Vizio Internet Aps: 7. Perhaps this ad should be filed under “not trying to be funny”, but it did throw in the Numa Numa guy. One of the most interesting of the night.
Emerald + Pop Secret Human Dolphins: 6. This ad is trying hard to be the funniest one in the room. Still, pretty good.
Budweiser Clydesdale with bull: 0. Just fucking stupid. The majesty of the Clydesdales dumbed down another notch.
Denny’s chickens Part II: 5. Likeable enough. Its Denny’s, I have to cut them some slack.
Audi Green Police: 6. Tough to pull off a funny car ad. Well done.
Taco Bell Charles Barkley: 7. I love Taco Bell, so I was already sold. Add in Charles Barkley rhyming Dr. Seuss-style and cool set design and I’m running for the border for lunch tomorrow.
Doritos Ninja Gym Warrior: 7. Doritos tries to save their night but is it too late? This was funny.
Bud Light Book Club: 0. What?
Etrade Crying Babies: 1. A bad trend that each add has successively more talking babies.
Go Daddy Talk Show: 2. Tired.
Denny’s Birthday Grand Slam: 2. No more slack for Denny’s.
And the winner is….Snickers. The funniest thing I saw all night was Betty White in the huddle, face covered in mud, saying, “C’mon man, you been ridin’ me all day”. The second funniest was Betty White yelling, “That’s not what your girlfriend says!” Loser: the Clydesdales. I expect Bud Light ads to be dumb, but the Clydesdales? When those horses saw that script, they must have thought, “Why don’t you just put me in a taxi to the glue factory instead.”