BY AARON STELLA GAYDAR EDITOR The G-Girls were out in full force Thursday at Bob and Barbara’s. The devilishly mischievous drag troupe, The Dumpsta Players, thought that it was about time to pay an homage to the girls who put the gold in the golden years: the Golden Girls, in “Golden Girls Gone Wild!” The Dumpsta Players are Philly’s most notorious drag troupe, infamous for their shameless satire and lampooning of the joys and ills of modern society and pop culture (not to mention that the grist of politics is usually within hacking range of their trash picked hatchet). As their name infers, all the DPs props and costumes are usually fresh from the dumpster or afforded from the largesse of their supporters. Suffice enough to say, the DPs have been repression proof since their gritty beginnings.
OK. Here’s the plot of Thursday’s bedlam, with all the gold trimmings. The “Golden Girls TV Theme” starts a playin’. A rouge-caked Rose waddles out in a ladybug blouse and a sweater jacket (in Florida?); then saunters Dorothy, in her standard unisex garb (sweater vests, ew); Blanche follows heaving her wrecking ball sized knockers (holla!); and Sophia, equipped with her seashell purse, gives the crowd the finger. A scene from one of the Golden Girls episodes is lip-synced precisely by the actors. Apparently, the Girls need a new roof, but cash is low. But Blanche hatches a plan, which basically consists of the girls whoring themselves out to various reality TV shows in hopes of scoring the dough they need. Without any other options, the girls concede.
First up were Dorothy and a duo of bodacious “fat chicks” (props go out to the girls representing the Biggest Loser girls) dancing to Weird Al Yankovich’s “Fat”. Despite Dorothy’s attempts to thwart the margins of fat loss of her opponents, with meatball subs and Cheetos dangling from a string, she is still named the biggest loser, and walks away without any cash. Next in line was Rose competing in Dancing with the Stars with an effigy of Heather Mills, in all her (ahem) vivacious glory. But guest host Steve Guttenberg and Rula Lenska are not impressed, probably because Rose’s dancing gets out of hand causing her Heather Mills doll to lose a leg, and a head. Needless to say, Rose walks away with nothing.
Now on to Blanche in an episode of Charm School. Her cocky (or cunty) contender is time bomb Charm School victim New York. After a bout of pandering from New York, when asked, “What does a lady do when a gentlemen offers his hand to help her out of a limousine?” Blanche is posed the question, “When a lady runs into an ex at a party with her new beau, how does one delicately handle the situation?” Expectedly, Blanche’s answer is to fuck both of them in the men’s accessible bathroom. This does not amuse Monique Osborne, and Blanche, like the others, leaves without a penny more to her name. Now Dorothy’s up to bat again. This time in “Extreme Homo Fuckover” which she confuses for “Extreme Home Makeover”. Instead of getting a new roof, she is assaulted by the makeover artist, who merrily snip and clip away to “A Little Tuck Here (Wizard of Oz). Dorothy walks off the set fuming at the close of the song.
At their last leg attempt, the girls compete on America’s Next Hot Model. All they have to do is endure a nude photo shoot. Taking from the girls’ response, not even queen courtesan Blanche can muster up the moxie to go all the way—but Sophia can. “Picture it!” (Sophia used to be a stripper back in Sicily) At the confession of her past occupation, Sophia begins to peel every scarlet velvety, lacey strip of clothing off her body, until she lets the puppies out, which look like two fried eggs hanging off a nail. Picture it! But all well that ends well when Brett Michaels comes out on stage and presents the girls with a 10,000 dollar check to fix their roof, so long that Sophia never show her tits on public television ever again. Like all Dumpsta Players revues, this one ends with finale dance number to “Cherry Pie.” Top shelf mayhem as always.