[Artwork by FLYOVERSTATE]
Tune in tonight for the snarkiest bi-coastal debate coverage on the Internet! You may not learn anything, but it will make you feel better. Tonight’s analysts will be JONATHAN VALANIA and JEFF DEENEY on the East Coast (Philadelphia, to be exact) and CITIZEN MOM who will be watching from the West Coast (Portland, to be exact). Starts around 9 PM. You betcha!
UPDATE: The insta-polls, which provide viewers with a somewhat skewed but important insight into how each candidate fared say, by and large, that Obama scored a victory in the second debate. MORE
deeney: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?????? HE OPENS WITH ENERGY INDEPENDENCE ARE YOU SHITTING ME.
me: drill baby drill!
it’s all they got
9:08 PM deeney: flooooooooooooooop. my name’s flop mcflop and i’ll be flopping tonight.
me: ok, zero content in that McCain answer
I actually have a device that measures these things and it says ZERO
9:09 PM cameras can’t keep up with the old man, tho
he’s zigging where they zag
9:10 PM deeney: i’m listening on radio
me: ah
deeney: old school
me: way
deeney: 180 gram vinyl, actually
me: better than reading it off stone tablets two weeks later, tho
9:11 PM
is it just me or does Brokaw’s voice sound so contrived?
that old blowhard anchorman baritone
Ted Baxter
9:12 PM two words
deeney: they sound nervous to me but I have no visual
me: man, you are seeing a LOT of McCain s bald head
deeney: are his monkey paws all flapping around like he’s scared shitless?
me: oh, lord
Fannie Mae
9:13 PM John, your campaign manager was making $15,000 a month as a Freddie Mac consultant but it’s all Obama’s faultright?
deeney: your financial advisor architected the collapse of the american financial system then called every one pussies.
me: two words
9:14 PM PHIL FUCKING GRAMM
three words, actually
deeney: TESTIFY.
me: u hear Fresh Air today?
long story
deeney: yeah
me: but it was Gramm, AGAIN, who slipped in dereg that opened up all this overspeculation that brought oil prices to where they are
9:15 PM go Obama!
deeney: btw, my mom is two fisting some truth right now, reading o’reilly’s book in one hand and palin’s new bio “how a hockey mom turn washington upside down”
me: mom is a right winger?
9:17 PM
my mom is the quintessential delco blue collar republican
me: yikes
deeney: she’s not having any of your crap, latte liberals!
9:18 PM me: oh I bet
9:19 PM deeney: if you say nancy pelosi near my mom she attacks random children
9:22 PM ahhhaha.
we’re so fucked financially because of these big spending liberals in congres
9:17 PM Citizen: here i am
me: be funny
Quick
Citizen: Be funny? Dude, I just drank two flaming coffees loaded with likker
Citizen: he’s got too much makeup on!
me: who has on too much make up
Obama?
9:18 PM that is not make up
he is black, you know
this isn’t his Al Jolson
impersonation
Citizen: McCain’s going to do exactly what Palin did the other night and it’s gonna piss me off
Spouting canned answers to any question regardless of what it is
I hope fucking Brokaw straps a set on
9:19 PM me: that was the WORST question ever
Citizen: boring
the line isn’t moving
9:20 PM
me: I don’t like this townhall format
me: too all over the place
visually
Citizen: depends on the quality of the questions
9:21 PM me: could that rug be any redder?
9:22 PM If only Obama could say ‘Turns out John McCain is not really a maverick or a reformer but a man who is very gifted at convincing the media that he is in fact a maverick and a reformer’ If only
Citizen: hello, prominently placed black dude
9:22 PM
Citizen: we went through an entire round of the MLB playoffs while he’s been answering
9:24 PM me: they should have some oxygen for him there on the side
maybe some epsom salts too
Citizen: power bars
me: nothing brings him back like a good fitz bath
Citizen: sprinklers, like in a bike race
me: Obama is gonna dump the cooler over his head when this is over
Citizen:So, an aside: Whatever people say about East Coast liberals? This place is LOUSY with Obama lovers. Seriously, Portland Loves Barry!
9:25 PM me: no duh
Liberal City, USA
Volvo Drivin’ Latteland — I LOVE lattes!
9:26 PM Citizen: We drove out to the Columbia River Gorge and there was a guy on the side of the road putting up GIANT obama signs along the side of the mountain
9:27 PM So he’s saying energy independence is his first priority?
me: he’s gonna have a big contest
and whoever writes the most inspiring essay about being an American
me: gets to design the new energy maker
9:28 PM Citizen: also a year’s supply of Turtle Wax
Try the veal!
me: ooh, a question from the Internet
sounds dirty!
‘What will you ask Americans to sacrifice?’
dont say ‘I will ask every American to sacrifice their first child under a full moon’ Obama! DON’T
it’s a deal-breaker
Citizen: again with the wartime economy
9:29 PM is michael smerconish sitting behind mccain with the pink shirt?
me: no, that’s Mr. Clean
they look alike
say ‘we might have to cut back on the bottomless moneyhole that is Iraq
Citizen: oh riiiight
Is McCain wearing a MedicAlert bracelet?
9:30 PM I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP
9:31 PM me: ‘”VE FALLEN AND I CAN”T GET THE PRESIDENCY UP!
9:32 PM tell the oil companies, either use them or give them to Todd Palin
9:33 PM Citizen: Don’t make him pull this snowmobile over and smack you kids
“Wall Street got drunk”
me: I was SO drunk
Citizen: Main Street got crunk
me: I’m drunk right now!
like Manny got Yunk
9:34 PM good Obama
me: point out that Mccain’s whole econ plan revolve around that puny 18 billiion in earmarks
9:35 PM Citizen: I wan tto use a scalpel to shave that one creepy looking guy’s porn mustache
eww
9:36 PM me: McCain doesnt have a mustache, what you talking about?
oh, the OTHER creepy porn guy
Citizen: haha
He’s still giving canned answers
9:37 PM me: ok, so that sounds kinda good on the surface
but its chump change when you actually do the math
such a fucking three card monty
mccain with the taxes
go bama
go bama
Citizen: Brokaw: Don’t make me bring out the giant hook, betches
9:38 PM me: why not just let them talk
instead we Brokaw
what a windbag
two words
Ted Baxter
me: straigh talk express lost a wheel
POW
9:39 PM this debate is VERY boring
Citizen: Yeah, it blows when they talk ISSUES
me: which is just as well America tunes out
race freezes
we win
Citizen: Maybe it’s not that people are tuning out but paying attention
me: very little of substance
on ISSUES so far
Citizen: It’s not always about visceral reaction
9:40 PM oh, you have issues
me: bada bum
Citizen: thank you, i’ll be here all week
9:41 PM My friends — DRINK
how many times has he said “senator obama hasn’t taken on his party”
seriously
count
9:42 PM me: that ‘My opponent voted to raise taxes a zillion times’ is the oldest trick in the book
9:43 PM they are usually mostly the Fly Fishing Tax and shit
Citizen: Ooh, the kick Congress in the ass question
9:44 PM You know it’s weird watching this on West Coast time. It’s early here
me: why doesn’t him and Lieberman just go to San Francisco and do the Civil Ceremony already!
9:44 PM You know it’s weird watching this on West Coast time. It’s early here
me: why doesn’t him and Lieberman just go to San Francisco and do the Civil Ceremony already!
9:45 PM Citizen: I Now Pronounce You John and Joey
me: When John McCain talks about alt energy and electric cars I am picturing McCain in that famous picture of shriners driving little cars
Citizen: wearing a Fez
me: with fezs
Citizen: hahaa
9:46 PM “the same way the computer was originally invented by . . .AL GORE!”
Neither of them are answering this woman’s question
9:47 PM “Senator McCain talks a lot about drilling. Me, I don’t work blue.”
9:48 PM
9:50 PM The health care question
SAY IT: universal health care
me: don’t say “I’m for Commie socialized medicine’, Obama!
DON’T
9:51 PM we need to do something about John McCain’s health crisis
he should say
that would SO kill
Citizen: He has to keep pacing so he doesn’t get a Charlie horse
me: people don’t really want answers to their problems
they want ZINGERS
9:52 PM Citizen: The Congressional health care thing always goes over
9:53 PM me: how about we put YOUR medical records online, Senator
9:54 PM if you are sick and dying, Senator Obama will FINE your ass!
me: you like that idea America?
Citizen: again with the crossing state lines
me: only problem is, you gotta a problem
9:55 PM don’t look for help from your state Attorney General
he doesn’t say that there is no jurisdiction
Citizen: It shouldn’t be about making it easier to BUY insurance as a product
Citizen: Like it’s fucking Wegmans
me: no, not just available and affordable,
9:56 PM Citizen: McCain says health care should be safe legal and rare
me: GIVE PEOPLE HEALTH CARE
you can buy bombs to blow them up
but you can’t pay to put them back together
yes
say it Bama
a RIGHT
good
Citizen: Right
me: the mother
best moment of the night so far
9:57 PM finally seems like one of them is connecting
with a question
and the audience
HA
McCain votes against health care for kids? YOU BASTARD
Citizen: RIGHt, nail him on CHIP
me: YOU OLD DIRTY BASTARD
9:58 PM and war hero
this is what I am talking about
that no state lines thing is all about finding the loophole states
another fucking GOP swindle
Citizen: Right
9:59 PM me: no consumer protection
10:01 PM did he just call Obama ‘Boy’?
in so many words
10:02 PM Citizen: Oooh he’s been waiting all week to bust out the response to the “doesn’t understand” line
NICE
10:03 PM I want a giant Ferris Wheel!
10:04 PM The Quinn Doctrine: I don’t need a two-martini lunch, but I must have a one-joint coffeebreak
10:05 PM (actually that’s a George Carlin line. Props)
10:08 PM me: sorry I dozed off
is it still going on?
McCain: Country First, Holocaust Last
10:09 PM Citizen: Can I get a question from the F Section!?
This is the same question the dude asked Palin at Tony Luke’s
The Gotcha Citizenship question
10:11 PM me: again with the announcing attacks
Citizen: Senator Obama talks loudly… so McCain can hear him with the big cone thing on his ear
10:12 PM me: ear horn
Citizen: right
me: ‘Obama hurts my hearing aid!’
Citizen: Barack Obama is your hearing aid
me: we are just gonna Surge it and the Drill Baby Drill
with my Petraeus
baby!
10:13 PM my big hard Petraeus
Citizen: oh my!
me: shut up Brokaw
your likable enough, Brokaw
Citizen: Brokaw’s acting like a bitch
me: so me me me
Citizen: He keeps trying to make it about him
me: Mccain looked realy whiny and cranky there
like a crabby baby
10:14 PM if he gets one, I GET ONE
YEAH
go bama
some fireworks
FINALLY
go Obama
go Obama
10:16 PM Citizen: WE’re talking about how this debate crowd is like the waiting room in Beetlejuice
corpses, shrunken head guy
10:17 PM me: pay attention to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
eff those people
Citizen: I am paying attention to you
My bitches are smart, man.
10:18 PM me: I will get Osama
I know how
but I am not gonna tell you until after I am elected
your call, America
Citizen: And you have to buy me dinner
Preferably lobster
10:19 PM me: Mccain seems really unfocussed
do you think McCain and Lieberman masturbate to thoughts of General Petraeus?
Citizen: When is McCain going to realize it doesn’t matter who was right about the fucking surge, when Obama was right about the war in the first place
me: I kinda do
Citizen: ewww
me: I KNOW, right?
weird
10:20 PM like that SNL skit
10:23 PM Citizen: I love how you were chatting with Deeney before I got online
THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE
10:24 PM John, my friend, Americans are cravin’ a little of that straight talk
10:25 PM This bald guy’s got Sarah Palin’s glasses on!
me: that is Sarah Palin
10:26 PM she’s a drag king
those two guys are gay
I can see the gay coming off them
Citizen: Brokeback Campaign
me: same old same old
10:27 PM Surge, No Pre-Conditions, Drill, baby, drill
Citizen: THe League of Democracies again!
Capes! Tights! Boots!
The Ambiguously Gay League of Democracies!
me: did you see that Cindy McCain stopped at a hospital today for a photo op and gave the press one quote: Barack Obama is running the dirtiest campaign in HISTORY
Citizen: oh pleaes
me: that is an exact quote
in history
ever, dirtier than Hitler’s European campaign
10:28 PM she is not First Lady material
seriously
Citizen: That Hannibal was a dirty campaigner, I’ll tell ya
me: she is plastic surgery in a dress
10:30 PM Citizen: “what don’t you know and how will you learn it?”
I’ve always wanted to learn how to make a souffle
10:31 PM me: Obama kinda fumbled that bit
made himself sound like Affirmitive Action poster child
don’t think that helps
or was his intent
10:32 PM this format just blows
it’s too diffuse
not focus
not center
both candidates seem all over the place
Citizen: I think these are actually pretty clear questions
me: questions not bad
it’s the staging
put them at lecterns
Citizen: Which they are both too busy trying to figure out how to script answers to
me: talk into the camera
10:33 PM screw this Oprah shit
I am TIRED of looking at McCain’s bald spot
but I’ll not say anything for fear of being called a ‘cunt’
and ‘trollop’
10:34 PM this is going over time
we need a steady hand
I bet McCain’s hand shakes
see
oh lord
this sucked
Citizen: he gets pee all over the seat
thank GOD that’s over
me: ‘your are standing in front of my script get out of the way’
10:35 PM good lord
who staged this thing? FEMA?
Citizen: No, WalMart
me: heckuva job, Brownie
Citizen: ewww, did cindy mccain just give them air kisses?
me: they just did NOT shake hands
did you see that
they almost did and then Obama went for Cindy’s hand
10:37 PM and she slapped a vicodin into his palm
Citizen: ha
me: Roll the commercial where Bill Curtis finds the Internet hiding out in the woods, and this baby is a wrap!