TONITE: Get Up, Old Man! Get The Fuck Up!



Tune in tonight for the snarkiest bi-coastal debate coverage on the Internet! You may not learn anything, but it will make you feel better. Tonight’s analysts will be JONATHAN VALANIA and JEFF DEENEY on the East Coast (Philadelphia, to be exact) and  CITIZEN MOM who will be watching from the West Coast (Portland, to be exact). Starts around 9 PM. You betcha!

UPDATE: The insta-polls, which provide viewers with a somewhat skewed but important insight into how each candidate fared say, by and large, that Obama scored a victory in the second debate. MORE

deeney: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?????? HE OPENS WITH ENERGY INDEPENDENCE ARE YOU SHITTING ME.dem-party-flag1-s.gif

 me: drill baby drill!

  it’s all they got

9:08 PM deeney: flooooooooooooooop. my name’s flop mcflop and i’ll be flopping tonight.

 me: ok, zero content in that McCain answer

  I actually have a device that measures these things and it says ZERO

9:09 PM cameras can’t keep up with the old man, tho

he’s zigging where they zag

9:10 PM deeney: i’m listening on radio

 me: ah

 deeney: old school

 me: way

 deeney: 180 gram vinyl, actuallygop-party-flag1-s.gif

 me: better than reading it off stone tablets two weeks later, tho

9:11 PM 

  is it just me or does Brokaw’s voice sound so contrived?

  that old blowhard anchorman baritone

  Ted Baxter

9:12 PM two words

 deeney: they sound nervous to me but I have no visual

 me: man, you are seeing a LOT of McCain s bald head

 deeney: are his monkey paws all flapping around like he’s scared shitless?

 me: oh, lorddem-party-flag1-s.gif

  Fannie Mae

9:13 PM John, your campaign manager was making $15,000 a month as a Freddie Mac consultant but it’s all Obama’s faultright?

 deeney: your financial advisor architected the collapse of the american financial system then called every one pussies.

 me: two words


  three words, actually

 deeney: TESTIFY.

 me: u hear Fresh Air today?gop-party-flag1-s.gif

  long story

 deeney: yeah


 me: but it was Gramm, AGAIN, who slipped in dereg that opened up all this overspeculation that brought oil prices to where they are

9:15 PM go Obama!

 deeney: btw, my mom is two fisting some truth right now, reading o’reilly’s book in one hand and palin’s new bio “how a hockey mom turn washington upside down”

 me: mom is a right winger?


9:17 PM 

 my mom is the quintessential delco blue collar republicandem-party-flag1-s.gif

 me: yikes

 deeney: she’s not having any of your crap, latte liberals!

9:18 PM me: oh I bet

9:19 PM deeney: if you say nancy pelosi near my mom she attacks random children

9:22 PM ahhhaha.

  we’re so fucked financially because of these big spending liberals in congres

9:17 PM Citizen: here i am

 me: be funny


 Citizen: Be funny? Dude, I just drank two flaming coffees loaded with likker

Citizen: he’s got too much makeup on!

me: who has on too much make up


9:18 PM that is not make upgop-party-flag1-s.gif

    he is black, you know

  this isn’t his Al Jolson


 Citizen: McCain’s going to do exactly what Palin did the other night and it’s gonna piss me off

  Spouting canned answers to any question regardless of what it is

  I hope fucking Brokaw straps a set on

9:19 PM me: that was the WORST question ever

 Citizen: boring

  the line isn’t moving

9:20 PM 

 me: I don’t like this townhall format

 me: too all over the place


 Citizen: depends on the quality of the questions

9:21 PM me: could that rug be any redder?dem-party-flag1-s.gif

9:22 PM If only Obama could say ‘Turns out John McCain is not really a maverick or a reformer but a man who is very gifted at convincing the media that he is in fact a maverick and a reformer’ If only

 Citizen: hello, prominently placed black dudegop-party-flag1-s.gif

9:22 PM 

 Citizen: we went through an entire round of the MLB playoffs while he’s been answering

9:24 PM me: they should have some oxygen for him there on the side

  maybe some epsom salts too

 Citizen: power bars

 me: nothing brings him back like a good fitz bath

 Citizen: sprinklers, like in a bike race

me: Obama is gonna dump the cooler over his head when this is over

Citizen:So, an aside: Whatever people say about East Coast liberals? This place is LOUSY with Obama lovers. Seriously, Portland Loves Barry!

9:25 PM me: no duh

  Liberal City, USA

Volvo Drivin’ Latteland — I LOVE lattes!

9:26 PM Citizen: We drove out to the Columbia River Gorge and there was a guy on the side of the road putting up GIANT obama signs along the side of the mountaindem-party-flag1-s.gif

9:27 PM So he’s saying energy independence is his first priority?

 me: he’s gonna have a big contest

  and whoever writes the most inspiring essay about being an American

 me: gets to design the new energy maker

9:28 PM Citizen: also a year’s supply of Turtle Wax

  Try the veal!

 me: ooh, a question from the Internet

  sounds dirty!

‘What will you ask Americans to sacrifice?’

  dont say ‘I will ask every American to sacrifice their first child under a full moon’ Obama! DON’T

it’s a deal-breaker

 Citizen: again with the wartime economy

9:29 PM is michael smerconish sitting behind mccain with the pink shirt?

 me: no, that’s Mr. Clean

  they look alike

say ‘we might have to cut back on the bottomless moneyhole that is Iraq

 Citizen: oh riiiight

  Is McCain wearing a MedicAlert bracelet?gop-party-flag1-s.gif



9:32 PM tell the oil companies, either use them or give them to Todd Palin

9:33 PM Citizen: Don’t make him pull this snowmobile over and smack you kids

  “Wall Street got drunk”

 me: I was SO drunk

 Citizen: Main Street got crunk

 me: I’m drunk right now!

  like Manny got Yunk

9:34 PM good Obama

 me: point out that Mccain’s whole econ plan revolve around that puny 18 billiion in earmarks

9:35 PM Citizen: I wan tto use a scalpel to shave that one creepy looking guy’s porn mustache


9:36 PM me: McCain doesnt have a mustache, what you talking about?dem-party-flag1-s.gif

  oh, the OTHER creepy porn guy

 Citizen: haha

  He’s still giving canned answers

9:37 PM me: ok, so that sounds kinda good on the surface

  but its chump change when you actually do the math

  such a fucking three card monty

  mccain with the taxes

  go bama

  go bama

 Citizen: Brokaw: Don’t make me bring out the giant hook, betches

9:38 PM me: why not just let them talk

  instead we Brokaw

  what a windbag

  two words

  Ted Baxter


 me: straigh talk express lost a wheelgop-party-flag1-s.gif


9:39 PM this debate is VERY boring

 Citizen: Yeah, it blows when they talk ISSUES

 me: which is just as well America tunes out

  race freezes

  we win

 Citizen: Maybe it’s not that people are tuning out but paying attention

 me: very little of substance

  on ISSUES so far

 Citizen: It’s not always about visceral reaction

9:40 PM oh, you have issues

 me: bada bum

 Citizen: thank you, i’ll be here all week

9:41 PM My friends — DRINK dem-party-flag1-s.gif

  how many times has he said “senator obama hasn’t taken on his party”



9:42 PM me: that ‘My opponent voted to raise taxes a zillion times’ is the oldest trick in the book

9:43 PM they are usually mostly the Fly Fishing Tax and shit

 Citizen: Ooh, the kick Congress in the ass question

9:44 PM You know it’s weird watching this on West Coast time. It’s early here

 me: why doesn’t him and Lieberman just go to San Francisco and do the Civil Ceremony already!

9:44 PM You know it’s weird watching this on West Coast time. It’s early here

 me: why doesn’t him and Lieberman just go to San Francisco and do the Civil Ceremony already!

9:45 PM Citizen: I Now Pronounce You John and Joeygop-party-flag1-s.gif

 me: When John McCain talks about alt energy and electric cars I am picturing McCain in that famous picture of shriners driving little cars

 Citizen: wearing a Fez

 me: with fezs

 Citizen: hahaa

9:46 PM “the same way the computer was originally invented by . . .AL GORE!”

  Neither of them are answering this woman’s question

9:47 PM “Senator McCain talks a lot about drilling. Me, I don’t work blue.”

9:48 PM 

9:50 PM The health care question

  SAY IT: universal health care

 me: don’t say “I’m for Commie socialized medicine’, Obama!


9:51 PM we need to do something about John McCain’s health crisis

  he should say

  that would SO killdem-party-flag1-s.gif

 Citizen: He has to keep pacing so he doesn’t get a Charlie horse

 me: people don’t really want answers to their problems

  they want ZINGERS

9:52 PM Citizen: The Congressional health care thing always goes over

9:53 PM me: how about we put YOUR medical records online, Senator

9:54 PM if you are sick and dying, Senator Obama will FINE your ass!

 me: you like that idea America?

Citizen: again with the crossing state lines

 me: only problem is, you gotta a problem

9:55 PM don’t look for help from your state Attorney General

  he doesn’t say that     there is no jurisdiction

 Citizen: It shouldn’t be about making it easier to BUY insurance as a product

 Citizen: Like it’s fucking Wegmans

 me: no, not just available and affordable,gop-party-flag1-s.gif

9:56 PM Citizen: McCain says health care should be safe legal and rare


  you can buy bombs to blow them up

  but you can’t pay to put them back together


  say it Bama



 Citizen: Right

 me: the mother

  best moment of the night so far

9:57 PM finally seems like one of them is connecting

  with a question

  and the audience


  McCain votes against health care for kids? YOU BASTARD

 Citizen: RIGHt, nail him on CHIPdem-party-flag1-s.gif


9:58 PM and war hero

  this is what I am talking about

  that no state lines thing is all about finding the loophole states

  another fucking GOP swindle

 Citizen: Right

9:59 PM me: no consumer protection

10:01 PM did he just call Obama ‘Boy’?

  in so many words

10:02 PM Citizen: Oooh he’s been waiting all week to bust out the response to the “doesn’t understand” line


10:03 PM I want a giant Ferris Wheel!

10:04 PM The Quinn Doctrine: I don’t need a two-martini lunch, but I must have a one-joint coffeebreak

10:05 PM (actually that’s a George Carlin line. Props)

10:08 PM me: sorry I dozed off

  is it still going on?

  McCain: Country First, Holocaust Last

10:09 PM Citizen: Can I get a question from the F Section!?gop-party-flag1-s.gif

  This is the same question the dude asked Palin at Tony Luke’s

  The Gotcha Citizenship question

10:11 PM me: again with the announcing attacks

 Citizen: Senator Obama talks loudly… so McCain can hear him with the big cone thing on his ear

10:12 PM me: ear horn

 Citizen: right

 me: ‘Obama hurts my hearing aid!’

 Citizen: Barack Obama is your hearing aid

 me: we are just gonna Surge it and the Drill Baby Drill

  with my Petraeus


10:13 PM my big hard Petraeus

 Citizen: oh my!

 me: shut up Brokaw

  your likable enough, Brokaw

 Citizen: Brokaw’s acting like a bitch

 me: so me me medem-party-flag1-s.gif

 Citizen: He keeps trying to make it about him

 me: Mccain looked realy whiny and cranky there

  like a crabby baby

10:14 PM if he gets one, I GET ONE


  go bama

  some fireworks


  go Obama

go Obama

10:16 PM Citizen: WE’re talking about how this debate crowd is like the waiting room in Beetlejuice

  corpses, shrunken head guy

10:17 PM me: pay attention to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

  eff those people

 Citizen: I am paying attention to you

  My bitches are smart, man.

10:18 PM me: I will get Osama

  I know howgop-party-flag1-s.gif

  but I am not gonna tell you until after I am elected

  your call, America

 Citizen: And you have to buy me dinner

  Preferably lobster

10:19 PM me: Mccain seems really unfocussed

  do you think McCain and Lieberman masturbate to thoughts of General Petraeus?

 Citizen: When is McCain going to realize it doesn’t matter who was right about the fucking surge, when Obama was right about the war in the first place

 me: I kinda do

 Citizen: ewww

 me: I KNOW, right?


10:20 PM like that SNL skit

10:23 PM Citizen: I love how you were chatting with Deeney before I got online

  THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTEdem-party-flag1-s.gif

10:24 PM John, my friend, Americans are cravin’ a little of that straight talk

10:25 PM This bald guy’s got Sarah Palin’s glasses on!

 me: that is Sarah Palin

10:26 PM she’s a drag king

  those two guys are gay

  I can see the gay coming off them

 Citizen: Brokeback Campaign

 me: same old same old

10:27 PM Surge, No Pre-Conditions, Drill, baby, drill

 Citizen: THe League of Democracies again!

  Capes! Tights! Boots!

  The Ambiguously Gay League of Democracies!

 me: did you see that Cindy McCain stopped at a hospital today for a photo op and gave the press one quote: Barack Obama is running the dirtiest campaign in HISTORY

 Citizen: oh pleaesgop-party-flag1-s.gif

 me: that is an exact quote

  in history

  ever, dirtier than Hitler’s European campaign

10:28 PM she is not First Lady material


 Citizen: That Hannibal was a dirty campaigner, I’ll tell ya

 me: she is plastic surgery in a dress

10:30 PM Citizen: “what don’t you know and how will you learn it?”

  I’ve always wanted to learn how to make a souffle

10:31 PM me: Obama kinda fumbled that bit

  made himself sound like Affirmitive Action poster child

  don’t think that helps

  or was his intent

10:32 PM this format just blows

  it’s too diffusedem-party-flag1-s.gif

  not focus

  not center

  both candidates seem all over the place

 Citizen: I think these are actually pretty clear questions

 me: questions not bad

  it’s the staging

  put them at lecterns

 Citizen: Which they are both too busy trying to figure out how to script answers to

 me: talk into the camera

10:33 PM screw this Oprah shit

  I am TIRED of looking at McCain’s bald spot

  but I’ll not say anything for fear of being called a ‘cunt’

  and ‘trollop’

10:34 PM this is going over time

  we need a steady hand

  I bet McCain’s hand shakesgop-party-flag1-s.gif


  oh lord

  this sucked

 Citizen: he gets pee all over the seat

  thank GOD that’s over

 me: ‘your are standing in front of my script get out of the way’

10:35 PM good lord

  who staged this thing? FEMA?

 Citizen: No, WalMart

 me: heckuva job, Brownie

Citizen: ewww, did cindy mccain just give them air kisses?

 me: they just did NOT shake hands

  did you see that

  they almost did and then Obama went for Cindy’s hand

10:37 PM and she slapped a vicodin into his palmdem-party-flag1-s.gif

 Citizen: ha

me: Roll the commercial where Bill Curtis finds the Internet hiding out in the woods, and this baby is a wrap!

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