THE TAO OF EVA: Shitting Pretty In Tokyo

EDITOR’S NOTE: Phawker assistant editor Eva Liao is currently in Japan on an exciting journalistic-type assignment that we’d have to kill you if we told you about, etc. However, she promises to send us a little culture-shock postcard each and every day. Her first one concerns the peculiarities of Japanese bathroom etiquette.

The Japanese have mastered the art of shitting in public bathrooms. I look forward to doing it everyday. Just because I like you, I made this easy-to-use tutorial.

1. Toilet Seat Cleaner:
Step One: Hold toilet paper under knob and press the gray button to dispense anti-bacterial spray. Wipe seat thoroughly.

2. Toilet Seat Options
Step Two: Press green button to wash out the va-jayjay. Press pink button to wash ass. Adjust knob to control water pressure. Press white button (and this is the best part) to play mock toilet flushing sound. This will allow you to rip covert farts until your heart is content (at home, these toilet seats also come with heating and cooling options for different seasons of the year).

3. Toilet Flusher

Step Three: Simply hold your palm above the sensor to flush toilet.

4. Hand Dryer
Step Four: Insert hand between parallel vents. Hands will dry almost instantly. Shitting at the touch of a button. Literally.

list of stupid/crazy/hilarious/awesome shit i’ve seen today:
– reusable/washable maxi pads
– darts with different tail inserts you can add on the back- like hello kitty or n’ync faces
– a cantaloupe that cost 300US DOLLARS (they dont have cantaloupe here)
– 10,000 different trinkets for you to hang on your cell phone
– underwear from a vending machine
– underwear with a elephant trunk hanging off the front
– an alarm clock that crawls around on the floor on wheels
– kung-fu robots
– a 24-carat gold ear picker
– and eye-liner stencil type thing (so you dont draw outside the lines)
– a 500,000 dollar knife (to cut sashimi)
– a carabiner the size of my pinky nail
– sake and wasabi flavored ice cream
oh man. so much more but i cant remember. okay. gg. XO!


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