GAYBO: From Helsinki With Love*


PHILEBRITY? NYET!: Team Latvia Flies The Phawker Flag At Eurovision

TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: HELSINKI, FINLAND — Hit Hercules Gay Disco last night with my dear journalist friends, Maria, Viv and Timo. Eurovision 2006’s 4th place finisher Mihai Traistariu, a Romanian mouthful (pun intended), sang his Italo-disco hit, “Tornero.” Maria, Viv, Timo and I, having imbibed numerous apple ciders, were certainly feeling that feeling that Eurovision magic. Apparently, one troll-like gay elder of Finnish descent was already a few drinks up on us, and felt up Maria for a frightening dance-off to Cher’s “Believe.” Never one to turn up a challenge, off Maria went like a bangy bitch at a vogue ball, and slayed that Finnish queen by the end of Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” Timo, Viv and I were aghast! Just as the Mihai’s performance began, I myself felt distracted by a handsome Finnish colt by the name of Mika — just like the British singer!

Mika sings Brit smash hit “Grace Kelly”

Many carousing moments later, Mika and I slipped away into the night for some late night capping. Well, I could say I’m in love, but that might be a bit exaggerated — let’s just say the lust was hot enough to melt your cold, post-Soviet heart.


The commotion in the press center has reached an arousing pitch as contestants file in and paparazzi swarm about. In rituals not unlike a soccer match — except way, way gayer — fans paint up faces, drape themselves in their countries’ flags and generally scurry about whinnying in anticipation of the big event. Rules recap: 28 countries enter, 10 move on to the Final, which happens this Saturday night.



1. Serbia — Little Lesbian-like lady does good and blows this Serb ballad outta the park. The Balkan singing Rosie O’Donnell.

2. Belarus — hottie sings boy band song with a touch of James Bond. Choreography and staging faboo.

3. Andorra — boy band punk cuties –yes!


Well, fuck Lakisha and American Idol, Eurovision madness have taken me over! Off to the show! Tommy out.

[Photo of Team Latvia flying the Phawker flag by TOMMY ZANE]

*All this week, Tommy Zane is reporting live from The Eurovision Song Contest in Helsinki, Finland


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