MIRACLE CURE: Ted Haggard, Disgraced Evangelical Preacher, Now “Completely Heterosexual,” Thank God

DENVER – One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted tedhaggard.jpgHaggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

“If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,” he said. “We’re into this thing over 90 days and it hasn’t happened.”

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to “sexual immorality.”

PREVIOUSLY: That Doesn’t Make You Gay Does It?

[Illustration courtesy of The Sinners Guide To The Evangelical Right]

EDITOR’S NOTE: Ordinarily we couldn’t care less if this guy fucked rocks, as long as the rocks were consenting adults. Whatever gets you through the night, man. But this guy runs with a pack of Christo-fascist Elmer Gantrys that used their considerable influence over their mega-church flocks to whip up a lot of misinformed and gullible people into a baseless hysteria about gay people, just so they could turn out the vote for their RNC taskmasters. We have no patience for bullies, least of all those in the pulpit, and even less for a big fat hypocrite bully in the pulpit. It would be un-Jesus-like enough if Ted Haggard wascellphonetits.gif at least sincere in his gay-baiting, but it was all a cynical lie. People, he was FUCKING ANOTHER MAN FOR FOUR YEARS! And now they’ve ‘cured’ him. Like he got a hold of a bag of meth cut with a little too much gay and just wasn’t the same for a while. Thanks to the “ministering” of his brethren he’s back to “completely heterosexual” — well, on behalf of heterosexuals everywhere let me be the first and possibly last to say: Hoo-fucking-ray for our team! Let me spell it out for you: You are gay, Ted, some people just ARE. So what. A minority percentage of every living species is g-a-y — it’s called SCIENCE, look into it! You are not the first holy man to get his piety caught in his zipper and won’t be the last, but take it like a man. Look, it’s not like I’m incapable of forgiveness. I still go to David Lynch movies, after all. But you, sir, remain a liar to yourself and deceiver of others and, increasingly, a sad pawn in a farcical Christian Right cover-up, not to mention the punchline to some sick Culture War joke that just isn’t funny any more. As such, Jesus still has to love you, but I don’t.

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