Introducing: Gaybo, Our New Queer Affairs Column

Editor’s Note: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ‘heard good things.’ Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He may be going to hell, but most of our straight friends are, too. So, without further ado, we give you the first installment of GAYBO. We’ll have a gay old time!

Over to you Tommy Boy…

gaybo.JPGSo, I was recently at a straight couple’s
marriage celebration, just a modest little
party in South Philly. They’re an awesome pair;
great together and very inclusive. Being the token gay
at the event, the topic eventually turned
to “the gay lifestyle” and my involvement.
You know, a simple conversation like which designer d-r-u-g-s
I do and how I can stay up all night having sex.
Now, I definitely know how to have fun, and I’m
hardly a saint, but the assumption that I fuck
on tina all night is a bit much. There was that article
on the front page of one of the weeklies recently
about the ex-crystal meth freak who used to get
high and get so horny he “wanted to fuck a lamp”,
but really, where’s all the press about the hard-working
Philly gay communities and the good stuff we’re doing?
Maybe if those people had a voice in the local weeklies,
there may be more exposure to regular peeps in the
gay communities. But, I guess that may be asking too
much. By all means, carry on with the blanket Foley coverage.
When all else fails you can always blame the fags, right?
By the way, welcome to my new column. Here’s a voice
for gay folks like myself to get past all the clamor & glamour
that’s most often associated with our communities and
get down to the nitty gritty. It would be
nice if some straight people read this and gained a new
perspective on the struggles we go thru, but it
would be even better if some baby dyke or 18 year-old
queer boy just out of the closet got a clue early-on
that being queer is more than parties, drinking
and designer drugs. Of course, all that is fun…
in moderation, but-wow! how hot if some queen
figured out how being denied our inalienable rights
to, say, marriage is even more important than
three dollar martinis at Bump’s Happy Hour
(go on Friday for the best crowd). I’ve
seen so many decrepit looking former twinks
looking all haggard and miserable by thirty…
Speaking of haggard old queens, does anyone read
the PGN anymore?
Still excellent coverage on
National G/L/T/B issues, but can’t we get someone
to cover local arts/music/theatre? Are there
any gay folks making any art in Philly, cause by
the looks of PGN, the answer is a resounding ‘no’.
Yeah, I love Dan Savage, but is that really covering
the local Philly queer scene? Maybe it’s just another signal
that print media is dead. I know all the most
relevant queer art & music has already been
accomplished by The Baby Boomers in the 60’s and 70’s
(psyche-lies), but surely there is someone who can bring
the PGN into the 21st century. Hmmm, imagine that.

Hipster queens, listen up-JUST BECAUSE THERE
ARE GAY PEOPLE ON TV NOW DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE
GETTING YOUR RIGHTS. Duh. If I hear one
more silly-ass fag tell me that they don’t
have to vote against Santorum because there’s
a gay character on “The Sopranos”, I’m gonna barf.

Oh, and that “Sopranos” guy gets whacked in the 2006
season. Another dead fag. How common, but I digress.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, yeah, I love
wearing ties and white belts too but that doesn’t
mean your work is done. Make sure you vote on
Nov. 7th and if you’re voting for Santorum,
don’t stand near me at Woody’s. You may end
up wearing my drink.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tommy Zane moved to Philly to pursue a degree
in Cultural Anthropology but ended up falling
for a big hunky Latin dude and moving in together
in The Gayborhood. Sometimes, you can even hear their
heated arguments over the music at Pure. Downtime
favorites include Stratego, Charlie Rose, and episodes
of “That Girl” on DVD.