Introducing: Gaybo, Our New Queer Affairs Column

Editor’s Note: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ‘heard good things.’ Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He may be going to hell, but most of our straight friends are, too. So, without further ado, we give you the first installment of GAYBO. We’ll have a gay old time!

Over to you Tommy Boy…

gaybo.JPGSo, I was recently at a straight couple’s marriage celebration, just a modest little party in South Philly. They’re an awesome pair; great together and very inclusive. Being the token gay at the event, the topic eventually turned
to “the gay lifestyle” and my involvement. You know, a simple conversation like which designer d-r-u-g-s
I do and how I can stay up all night having sex. Now, I definitely know how to have fun, and I’m hardly a saint, but the assumption that I fuck on tina all night is a bit much. There was that article on the front page of one of the weeklies recently about the ex-crystal meth freak who used to get high and get so horny he “wanted to fuck a lamp,”┬ábut really, where’s all the press about the hard-working Philly gay communities and the good stuff we’re doing?

Maybe if those people had a voice in the local weeklies, there may be more exposure to regular peeps in the gay communities. But, I guess that may be asking too much. By all means, carry on with the blanket Foley coverage. When all else fails you can always blame the fags, right?

By the way, welcome to my new column. Here’s a voice for gay folks like myself to get past all the clamor & glamour that’s most often associated with our communities and get down to the nitty gritty. It would be nice if some straight people read this and gained a new
perspective on the struggles we go thru, but it would be even better if some baby dyke or 18-year-old queer boy just out of the closet got a clue early-on that being queer is more than parties, drinking and designer drugs. Of course, all that is fun…
in moderation, but-wow! how hot if some queen figured out how being denied our inalienable rights to, say, marriage is even more important than three dollar martinis at Bump’s Happy Hour (go on Friday for the best crowd). I’ve seen so many decrepit looking former twinks looking all haggard and miserable by thirty…

Speaking of haggard old queens, does anyone read the PGN anymore? Still excellent coverage on national G/L/T/B issues, but can’t we get someone to cover local arts/music/theatre? Are there any gay folks making any art in Philly, ’cause by the looks of PGN, the answer is a resounding ‘no.’ Yeah, I love Dan Savage, but is that really covering the local Philly queer scene? Maybe it’s just another signal that print media is dead. I know all the most relevant queer art & music has already been accomplished by The Baby Boomers in the ’60s and ’70s
(psyche-lies), but surely there is someone who can bring the PGN into the 21st century. Hmmm, imagine that.

Hipster queens, listen up — JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE GAY PEOPLE ON TV NOW DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE GETTING YOUR RIGHTS. Duh. If I hear one more silly-ass fag tell me that they don’t have to vote against Santorum because there’s a gay character on “The Sopranos”, I’m gonna barf. Oh, and that “Sopranos” guy gets whacked in the 2006 season. Another dead fag. How common, but I digress.

Anyway, what I’m saying is, yeah, I love wearing ties and white belts too but that doesn’t mean your work is done. Make sure you vote on Nov. 7th and if you’re voting for Santorum, don’t stand near me at Woody’s. You may end up wearing my drink.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tommy Zane moved to Philly to pursue a degree in Cultural Anthropology but ended up falling for a big hunky Latin dude and moving in together in The Gayborhood. Sometimes, you can even hear their heated arguments over the music at Pure. Downtime
favorites include Stratego, Charlie Rose, and episodes of “That Girl” on DVD.