OK, admittedly it’s a slow news day — no new wars started by the U.S., no interstate killing sprees, no new arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan. Frankly, this is the best we got: A motherfuckin bear riding in a taxi, presumably in Russia where bears enjoy something close to citizenship and circus celebrity status. So, until the next war/killing spree/Lohan arrest warrant comes along, what say we amuse ourselves with a caption contest? The prize? A sense of accomplishment, which is priceless if you think about it. OK, don’t think about it too hard. Here’s a few suggestions to get […]
CELEBUTARDS: Khloe Kardashian Has A Shiny Hiney
BUDDYTV: ??For the stars of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, living in the spotlight seems so easy. But it doesn’t exactly apply to all of them, as we find out how difficult it is to face pressure from the media when it comes to body image. We last saw the Kardashian family in a cold war, as Kourtney ignored momager Kris when she didn’t come to her first ever cover shoot. She thinks their mother is playing favorites, but it’s only a conflict in schedule that kept her from attending. On tomorrow’s episode, “I’d Rather Go Naked…Or Shopping,” Khloe deals […]
MUST READ: Welcome To The Occupation
ROLLING STONE: It’s over — we’re officially, royally fucked. No empire can survive being rendered a permanent laughingstock, which is what happened as of a few weeks ago, when the buffoons who have been running things in this country finally went one step too far. It happened when Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was forced to admit that he was once again going to have to stuff billions of taxpayer dollars into a dying insurance giant called AIG, itself a profound symbol of our national decline — a corporation that got rich insuring the concrete and steel of American industry in […]
CONCERT REVIEW: Morrissey, 49, Clumsy And Shy
MAN IN BLACK: Morrissey, Academy of Music, last night [Photo: MICHAEL T. REGAN] BY DIANCA POTTS AND KYLEE MESSNER Spanning the yawning chasm between the teenage wasteland and the retirement home, Morrissey fans from all walks of life filled the lobby of the Academy of Music. From Moz look-a-likes to Rosie O’Donnell’s doppelganger, show-goers of all shapes and sizes mobbed the merch tables, salivating at the sight of overpriced t-shirts and silver key chains. Interrupted by the dimming of ornate, gold-leafed lights, ticket holders quickly found their seats. The opening act, Manchester-bred The Courteeners rocked out like The Killers aspire […]
CINEPHILE: In Utero
Dead Ringers (Dir. by David Cronenberg, 115 minutes, USA 1988) BY EGINA MANACHOVA David Cronenberg, never one to shy away from the macabre, gives us Dead Ringers — a chilling, highly stylized psychological drama based on the novel Twins and starring Jeremy Irons as a pair of very successful, identical twin gynecologists. With a shared penchant for fine Italian furniture and smartly tailored suits, the titular twin brothers — Elliot and Beverly — manipulate each other and all those around them for their perverse, personal gain. Their approach to relationships with women is as cold and clinical as their practice […]
BE VERY AFRAID: Wall Street Likes Geithner Plan
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR: More than six months after the financial crisis began, the US government has a detailed plan that strikes at the heart of the overarching problem with the economy: “toxic assets” sitting on banks’ books. The government’s latest effort to try to help the troubled financial system involves setting up a mechanism by which the taxpayers and private investors buy those bad assets. The effort, announced on Monday by Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, transfers part of the risk to America’s taxpayers and the federal bank insurance system. It’s not clear how much money the government will ultimately need […]
SICKO: Insurers Too Big To Fail Or Too Cruel To Heal?
BRIAN HICKEY: Ever since a hit-and-run driver mowed me down in Collingswood on Nov. 28, I’ve been considered a “patient.” The conversational-English translation of that term is “dramatically injured person at the total mercy of insurance-company whims.” After I was released from inpatient care at Philadelphia’s Magee Rehabilitation in January, I was forced to wait more than six weeks for outpatient physical, occupational, and cognitive therapy. For context, more than two weeks of waiting risks regression on all three fronts. My mistake? Figuring my local insurance company would grasp why I wanted to stick with the therapist who inexplicably got […]
COMING ATTRACTION: Exactly How Soon Is Now?
Morrissey, Academy of Music, last night [Photo: MICHAEL T. REGAN] Standby for our flood-the-zone coverage of Morrissey at The Academy of Music last night. We’ll have a must-see slideshow from ex-CP staff photog Michael T. Regan, who did a bang-up job on Tom Waits for us over the summer. And Kylee Messner and Dianca Potts — two twentysomething Smiths acolytes/embittered Temple J-schoolers — will give the play-by-play of their first audience with the man called Mozzer. Look for it later today.
NSFW: Ashton Kutcher Twitters Demi Moore’s Butt
PEOPLE: With ex-wife Demi Moore and her husband Ashton Kutcher among the guests, Bruce Willis said “I do” with model and actress Emma Heming on Saturday, PEOPLE confirms. The small wedding ceremony took place at the actor’s home in Parrot Cay, Turks & Caicos. Also present among the small group of guests were Moore and Willis’s daughters, Rumer Willis, 20, Scout, 17, and Tallullah Belle, 15. MORE TWITTER: While on the island, Ashton Kutcher took a snapshot of Demi Moore in her bikini bending over while steaming his suit and put it on twitter Saturday afternoon. He made no mention […]
WEEK IN REVIEW: The Good News Flower Hour!
The Good News Flower Hour #14 The week that was in just five minutes, told by guest anchor/adorable-voiced rosebud Daisy Powers! Funny. Sad. Good for you. Just do it.
WHITER SHADE OF TRASH: Drunken Doggie Porn
THE SMOKING GUN: Meet Michelle Owen. Concerned that an ex-boyfriend had used her laptop to search for child pornography, the Indiana woman asked police to search the computer for illegal images, but had her plan backfire when cops discovered two videos of her engaged in illicit acts with a dog. Owen, 24, was charged last week with two felony bestiality counts in connection with the video files, which a detective found in the laptop’s “recycle bin.” At the time Owen asked cops to search the computer, she was locked up in the Johnson County Jail on a public intoxication charge […]
BEING THERE: The Good News Flower Hour!
The week that was in just five minutes, read by a stoned daisy that sounds just like me. Look for it every Friday. PREVIOUSLY: The Good News Flower Hour #13
CHANGE: Obama Offers Iran A New Deal
FINANCIAL TIMES: President Barack Obama on Friday issued a widely awaited message to the people and government of Iran in his bid to end a 30-year diplomatic standoff between the US and the Islamic Republic. In an Iranian New Year video message released on the internet, Mr Obama emphasised the benefits of increased cooperation with Washington rather than stressing sanctions or military action. “The US wants the Islamic Republic of Iran to take its rightful place in the community of nations,” he said. “You have that right but it comes with real responsibilities and that place cannot be reached through […]