This week, AP discusses explains how West Philly High School student Brandon Ford got invited to sit with the First Lady for the State of The Union address, the Gosnell abortion horror show, and the Onion coming to town. Also, he explains why the U.S. will not be able to indict or extradite Wikileaks’ Julian Assange and pays tribute to his old pal Don Kirshner of Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert fame.

This week AP discusses the Upper Darby woman suing Disney because Donald Duck groped her, the mysterious sick-out at a church in Bucks County and the downright apocalyptic mass birdkill in Arkansas. Plus Hot Carl with sports.

Yes, that’s Scrapple TV News anchor AP Ticker as Santa huffing that sneaker in this Foot Locker ad.

AP confuses actor Hal Holbrooke with diplomat Richard Holbrooke, but recovers like a pro; warns kids against the perils of ‘drifting’ and cusses out Japan for inventing it, then kinds loses it a little bit when he goes off on how flouride in the water is a communist conspiracy.

New feature: AP Ticker does dramatic readings of song lyrics. We start off with Public Enemy’s “The Enemy Battle Hymn Of The Public.”

AP says ‘good riddance’ to the Ducks, the Gulf spill and Mel G. Plus, the auspicious debut of our new sportscaster, Hot Carl!

AP on the beauty of the sexy beast within. He is man, hear him roar.

Each week, our pal Jamie from the SPCA drops buy with a cute little puppy in need of a home. This show is already working its magic. Lila, the puppy we had on last week, has found a good home. And Puppy Of The Week director Marc Brodzik fell so hard for this little guy, he adopted him after the shoot. Awww.

A.P. goofs on Philly Mag’s cover story blaring the no-shit news that marijuana is, like, popular.

Your life coach AP Ticker on why he loves, loves, loves sum, sum, summertime!