HERE’S TO THE QUITTERS: We Couldn’t Have Gotten To 122K Covid-19 Deaths Without You!

Photo by Salvatore Laporta/KONTROLAB/LightRocket via Getty Images via PHILADELPHIA MAGAZINE

BY JONATHAN VALANIA FOR PHILADELPHIA MAGAZINE Here’s to the COVID quitters, who have grown bored with this lethal pandemic, who are done with Netflix binging, mac ’n’ cheese and Zoom sex, who have places to go, things to buy, crowds to join, haircuts to get.

Here’s to the quitters, who have fearlessly cast off the dystopian chains of medical science, epidemiology and other big words, who are striking a blow for freedom where it is currently making its last stand: at the nail salon and the Red Lobster.

Here’s to the quitter-in-chief, who’s decided that competently managing the pandemic with masks and social distancing and shared sacrifice to minimize the loss of life is just too hard and that 200,000 dead Americans by October is a justifiable cost of getting the Dow back to a re-electable number.

Here’s to the quitters, who’ve stormed the statehouses with their long hard guns and their beer guts, their bitchin’ camo pants and Travis Bickle mohawks, who rabidly screamed themselves red in the face at security guards and cursed out nurses in surgical scrubs until their states were liberated from the tyranny of public safety and common sense.

Here’s to the quitters, who fought for the right to blow racist dog whistles and do the “Lock! Her! Up!” cheer in an indoor MAGA rally without some goddamn socialist gimp mask muting the sweet, sweet venom of the moment. MORE