DEAR PRESIDENT TRUMP: Congratulations On Being Only The Second Fattest Man On The Stage For A Change — Also, This Looks A Little Gay



BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Memorial Day is unquestionably the most important, most hallowed, most patriotic of ALL national holidays. It pays homage to the more than 2,750,000 men and women who bravely made the ultimate sacrifice protecting and defending the rights, privileges and liberties the rest of us so often take for granted. So, where was the five-time draft-dodging president of this great nation? You were hitting the links and watching sumo wrestling with the Prime Minister of Japan a couple thousand miles away. Did you have to be there? Nope. Were you forced to SMUSchoose this particular holiday period for such an inauspicious state visit? Not at all. Were you fearful of having your five-time draft-dodging butt be questionably associated with America’s most sacred holiday? Probably. Were you afraid of what was likely to be said of you being the one to place the wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier? No doubt. What was it that was so vitally important that you needed to powwow with Shinzo Abe at THIS particular time … ESPECIALLY at this particular time? Apparently nothing. No new trade pact was signed, no new defense agreement was inked. In fact, no significant mutual security needs or interests were even discussed. In actuality not a damn thing of any consequence WHATSOEVER was accomplished. Well, I take that back, there were two things: 1) it gave you the opportunity to throw BOTH Japan AND your own National Security Advisor under the bus, and once again elevate that evil little paunchy pissant pile of vile–and your openly declared “love buddy”–Kim Jong-un, to climb a little higher on the pantheon of the World’s Most Despicable Butchers, and 2) it provided our pig-ignorant, continuously played-for-a-fool president the chance to once again piss a couple million taxpayer dollar$ down the seemingly bottomless Republican toilet. Did I also mention that while you were indulging your “yen” for island golf and overweight wrestling, Americans were dying and losing everything in some of the most terrifying storms and flooding this nation has ever experienced?! But your biggest boner was wishing members of the Japanese military — which killed 111,914 U.S. soldiers in World War II, wounded another 253,142 and committed appalling war crimes — a “Happy Memorial Day!” That’s like wishing Al Capone a ‘Happy Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre,’ FFS! So, here’s to multiple moronic mulligans, accidental takedowns and Trumpian diplomatic make-believe, you cowardly, cretinous, globe-trotting, twit … terer!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up later stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.