SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: All The Pretty Horses



BY WILLIAM C. HENRY I know it’s early but with your leave I’d like to proffer two cents worth of Democrat “ticket” picking regarding the duos I believe offer the donkeys their best chances for success in 2020. First off, I semi-unequivocally submit that the winning ticket must be headed by a SMUSjenny (that’s the female equus africanus asinus for all ye non-farm dwellers). Why? Well, let us never forget that Hillary won the last election overwhelmingly, and but for the Russians and the slaveholding states’ Constitutional recalcitrance, she would now be revving up her return for a second term. All of which I think not only advantages, nay, indeed necessitates, a repeat performance at the top of the Democrat ticket. And, in keeping with the Clinton-Kaine twosome, I further believe that a man must occupy the lesser spot (I just don’t think American men are altogether ready for a same “stronger” sex ticket). So here, in order of preference, are the favored picks for the top and the bottom of the Dem ticket that I believe stand the best chance of crossing the 2020 finish line first:

1. Amy Klobuchar (attractive, smart, combative, U.S. Senator — extreme likability factor, 2020 battleground state tipping advantage)

2. Kirsten Gillibrand (quite attractive, smart, combative, U.S. Senator — never discount eye appeal, populous state advantage)

3. Kamala Harris (attractive, smart, combative, U.S. Senator — populous state advantage, possible racial advantage?)

4. Elizabeth Warren (attractive, combative, U.S. Senator — name recognition and political experience & moxie pluses)

1. Julian Castro (leading man handsome, smart, combative, high-level political experience & moxie — ethnicity, name recognition, and battleground state tipping advantages)

2. Beto O’Rourke (boyishly-handsome-in-a-faintly-RFK-kinda-way, exuberant, proven competitor, element of charisma — battleground state tipping advantage)

3. Cory Booker (damn handsome, smart, combative, U.S. Senator — political experience & moxie and name recognition pluses, possible racial advantage?)

4. Pete Buttigieg (handsome enough, really smart, exuberant, combative — LBGT connection and red state residence could be definite pluses)

I recognize that some if not all of these Veep picks might be loathe to accept second fiddle in the duo, but I’ve never been a proponent of the top of the ticket simply picking someone out of thin air to be the Oval Office back-up to a heart attack, stroke or debilitating illness. That type of selection doesn’t have to vie for national pre-approval or face the close scrutiny, and physical and mental “grind” of the primaries. Remember Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin? Heh, heh. The Vice Presidency should never be relegated to someone’s personal choosing. It’s way, way too consequential.

And, no, I don’t want Biden to run. The touchy-feely stuff aside, I believe he’s simply too old, period. He’s had his days in the spotlight. Like Bernie–and incidentally, Mr. Sanders, I just think you’re a bit too far left for today’s mid-westerners and suburbanites; could you win the nomination? absolutely; could you win the election? I harbor some serious doubts; but should you garner either one, I’ll back you 1000%–he’s the visual representation (snow white hair and wrinkles) of a Democrat party in passing. Time to go gently into that good evening’s pleasure (to you both: you might not think so, but I actually do know a smidge about late seventies transitioning).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up later stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.