SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Socialism For Dummies

Donald Trump :: Alternative Facts :: Pravda Comrade


BY WILLIAM C. HENRY I promised you a rant regarding Trump’s raging against the horrors of Democrat SOCIALISM and vowing he will NEVER allow America to become a SOCIALIST country. So, here it is: According to one Donald J. Trump, president of the United States of America, the Democrat party is dead set on forcing SMUSwholesale SOCIALISM down the country’s collective throat beginning in 2020, and he is the only politician alive who can prevent them from doing so. Oh my, all I can say is thank God we’ve got someone sufficiently au fait with the nation’s past 85 year history as to be capable of recognizing such Democrat nefariousness, and who, coincidentally, also possesses the requisite strength of moral and patriotic character/fervor to right the ship of state in the very nick of time! Uh, wait a minute …

MEDICARE/MEDICAID: You do know that the medical and mental health services provided through this GOVERNMENT agency are paid for by a “single payer,” namely the GOVERNMENT, right? Nearly ALL Americans pay money IN through GOVERNMENT-ENFORCED wage and salary deductions so that the GOVERNMENT can in turn pay funds OUT to cover the costs of healthcare for them in their later years. Sounds a wee bit SOCIALISTIC to me. Do you intend to abolish it? Doing so could become a bit contentious, no? You are familiar with Medicare, aren’t you? Sorry. I promise to assume nothing where you’re concerned from this point on.

THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION: Just between you and me, it’s ENTIRELY paid for by the GOVERNMENT. It provides for the medical and mental health needs of the nation’s veterans. ALL of V.A.’s services are made available at NO CHARGE to any and all veterans. If that sounds SOCIALISTIC to you, Mr. president, it’s because IT IS! 100%. Beneficiaries don’t pay in, solely the GOVERNMENT pays out. Trust me, Donnie, if it looks like SOCIALISM, swims like SOCIALISM, and quacks like SOCIALISM, you can be damn near certain that’s EXACTLY what it is?! I guess you’re definitely gonna have to do away with this one … and quickly! Good luck splainin’ why.

SOCIAL SECURITY: It’s a stipend paid out by the GOVERNMENT to a LOT of folks over 62, and nearly EVERY American citizen over 65. It’s an entirely SOCIALISTIC security net that just about EVERY working American pays into, and primarily the senior portion draw out of to help cover cost-of-living expenses in their elder years. You have heard of it haven’t you, Mr. president? Well, maybe not. I guess I was thinking you might have read about it. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure it’s been splashed all over Fox News. Anyhoo, Shirley you plan to axe it, right?

THE FARM BILL:  A.K.A.SOCIALISTIC GOVERNMENT SUBSIDIES that the Department of Agriculture pays out annually to the richest American farmers. Are you going to plow those under as well? You might want to “cultivate” some of those farm state political contributors before spraying any of that anti-SOCIALISM pest and weed killer of yours on their corn and soybean fields. Just sayin’. Heh, heh.

UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE: It’s been described as an altogether SOCIALISTIC sort of program that employers are compelled to pay into so that their workers will at least be able to put food on the table during lay-offs, shut-downs, etc.. Been around for quite a while. No doubt, you’re going to want to “fire” this one for sure.

Then there’s the military. And the Post Office. And FEMA. Food stamps. Pell Grants for student loans. And on and on, it just gets more socialist-y the further down the government ladder you go — the fire department, the police department, the water works, streets department, parks and rec and last but not least, that towering monument to Socialism: the public library. It must be blowing yer frickin’ Adderall-addled mind to finally realize that all these beloved institutions and staples of American life were Socialism the whole time! I know that at times you get a little confused between the meanings of “collusion” and “delusion,” but in the particular case of your resolute stand against Democrat SOCIALISM–and for the true sake of your political survival (believe me, even your “base” is likely to bail on this one)–it’s the latter I think you need to spend a little more time deciphering. By the way, Mexico is still gonna pay for the wall, right? Just checkin’.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up later stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.