SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Dear Mr. President #3


Illustration by MARK BRYAN

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Okay, quick joke to shake off the chill. Take all five of these names: Donald J. Trump, Mitch McConnell, Jim Jordan, Trey Gowdy, Devin Nunes. What do they all have in common? SMUSAnswer: In addition to being the five most dangerous people in America, every time the latter four have been observed departing the Oval Office, each was seen holding a hankie to his nose, and you were said to have immediately demanded that Pence find you some Preparation H! Like I said, just a little levity to kick this missive off. Please do take it personally. Just between you and me, Fox News put me up to it.

Actually, there is something altogether puzzling I’d like to talk to you about. Doncha think it’s absolutely astronomically coincidental that every time something filthy, stinking or rotten turns up in the news that somehow, somewhere, at some time, there is or was a personal connection to you?! I mean, what are the odds? Take that now-known-to-be scumbag, Paul Manafort, for example. Remember? He was one of your best buds–still is, as far as I can tell, given all the flattering things you continue to say about him. Hell, he’s the guy you hand picked to be one of your TOP ADVISORS and your CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN! And what about that TOP FINANCIAL MAN of yours, Allen Weisselberg? For Christ’s sake, he’s become a “cooperating witness” in a full-fledged criminal investigation of EVERYTHING Trump, past and present, by your own Justice Department!

And then, of course, there’s that former ten-year mouthpiece/personal “fixer”/ratter outer of yours, Michael Cohen. He got himself three years in prison for lying about actions taken on YOUR behalf that, mystery of all mysteries, you either have no recollection of, or you admit to being as dumb as a fucking rock about, or that whenever any such kind of legal matters were broached you didn’t know any better than to Alfred E. Neumanly let him do as he damn well pleased, or you just flat out deny anything of the kind ever having taken place. Huh?! And you still have supporters?! Really?! Beam me up, Scotty!

Yes, Donnie, obviously you and others of your considerable stain have evidenced a capacity to manipulate the ignorant. And, yes, you and others of your conscienceless ilk have definitely demonstrated an ability to influence the lesser-educated. And, without a doubt, you and others who share your proclivity for fakery have exhibited the ability to beguile and bamboozle the already biased and the buttheads. But, incontrovertibly, the one thing that EVERY living being on planet earth has yet to figure out is how to wring goodness, civility, lawfulness, integrity, compassion, common decency or TRUTH out of one Donald J. Trump, the small peed president of the United States of America!

P.S. Something else I think you should ponder is that from this day forward the death of EVERY woman in America who might otherwise have been able to get screened or diagnosed for cervical cancer–or ANY OTHER kind of cancer–in time through Planned Parenthood is on YOU! As a matter of fact, EVERY woman who dies as a result of her inability to obtain a basic screening or in-time diagnosis through Planned Parenthood of ANY otherwise treatable disease because of your purely political, low-life, suck-up, misogynistic, base-satiating, 60 million piece$ of $ilver 2020 $ell-out, is now ENTIRELY on YOU, you pandering piece of shit!

P.S.S. Your joined-at-the-groin buddy, Kim “The Butcher” Jong-un, extends hugs and kisses. Pharmacy shelves are pretty bare over there in North Korea so better bring your own condoms and lubricating gel!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up later stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.