SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Dear Mr. President…



BY WILLIAM C. HENRY I know that you’ve been variously described as The Artist of the Deal, The Great Deal Maker, and Master of the Deal. High praise indeed! Except that it’s all horseshit! Face it, Mr. Fraudster, you can’t–and NEVER could–deal your way out of a paper bag–or into a poker hand bluff–if your bankrupt, bullying, welshing, dodging, LIFE depended on it. For Christ’s sake, even your claimed authorship of that so-called “deal” book has been branded as COUNTERFEIT! So, where was all that purported EXTRAORDINARY “deal making” skill of yours whenSMUSsomething as crucial as national security (your dreamed-up description) was on the line?! Where the hell was all that LEGENDARY “leadership” talent when it really counted?! Where did all that PHENOMENAL “management” expertise go when it was so gravely needed?! Why was all that self-described deal making “expertise” so obviously MISSING IN ACTION when so many people’s livelihoods totally depended upon it? Well, in a nutshell (which in this case is probably as apropos as one can get), the answer lies somewhere between Kate Spade and Smithfield. In other words, “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” Just like EVERYTHING ELSE in your spoiled brat, mediocre intelligence, Wharton-in-daddy’s-and-your-own-mind, 100% inheritance-/Russia-/Saudi Arabia-enabled EXISTENCE, that whole “deal maker” thing was nothing more than a faked-up, forged-to-infinity, 721 Fifth Avenue Fortune Teller’s FAIRYTALE!

Oh, and lest I later forget, I do so hope that whenever you’re enjoying yourself at one of your plush private clubs in one the few pristine patches of America’s “once great” outdoors you DON’T intend to pollute, far, far from the grime and contamination permeating the lives of so many of the great “unwashed” rest of us, you’ll find the kind of unspoiled lush greenery, sparkling pure water and crisp fresh air that define and delineate your famously demanding nihilistic standards, as you and your administration so earnestly pursue the asphyxiation and poisoning of every REMAINING American citizen who’s still holding out hope for a resurgence of the TRULY “once great” Obama-era clean air and potable water standards!

And certainly I would be remiss if I failed to make mention of that huge sacrifice you made by choosing to hole up in the White House (fortunately, Melania was able to hoof it down to the family hovel in West Palm) in order to fully feign how deceptively set you were on maintaining a pretentious mock-up of presidential shutdown deprivation equal to or exceeding the ACTUAL calamity you had unnecessarily thrust upon MILLIONS of Americans who sure as hell didn’t deserve it, all because those callous, two-faced, double-dealing, Mexicans decided not to honor that Trumped-up pledge of theirs to pay for that wall! But don’t go beating yourself up unnecessarily, Mister Fibster. The soup kitchens tasked with warding off the hunger pangs of all those unduly punished you’ve so asininely claimed were sympathetic to your Fox News kowtow are rumored to have taken healthy, calorie-reducing, Whopper preparation cues from your White House epicurean crew!

Incidentally, Mr. Prevaricator, did you happen to read (I recognize that that in and of itself might be a stretch for you) or at least hear about that huge narcotic bust that took place last week at one of the established points of entry where nearly all illegal drugs cross into the country?! And, did you by any chance catch the news that in addition to having been voted America’s “favorite landfill,” you’ve also beaten out Mitch McConnell for Most Odious Effing Hypocrite on the Planet! I swear to sanctimony, HYPOCRISY IS THY NAME! So, hey, Donnie J., precisely how many illegal immigrants did you purge today?! Here are the southern border illegal immigration FACTS, folks: 1) today’s levels of immigration are the lowest SINCE 1971!, 2) up-to-date electronic surveillance equipment and increased enforcement manpower–NOT walls, fences and assorted “barriers” that illegals can easily (and DO!) climb over, dig under and cut through!–are what are truly needed to slow it down (NOTHING is going to stop it completely) and, 3) this Liar in Chief of ours continues to IGNORE these equipment up-date and officer-ranks shortages while he carries on with his phony, racist, hate-filled tirades about “invasions” of rapists and human traffickers!

So, EFF YOU!, and your relentless race-baiting efforts to belittle, besmirch and falsely criminalize every brown- or tan-shaded individual who arrives at our southern border seeking nothing more than a better life for themselves and their families–nearly all of whom, by the way, have shown a willingness, nay, even an EAGERNESS, to do the work that just about EVERY natural-born American citizen flat out REFUSES to do!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up later stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Beloved uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.