SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: 8,158 Lies And Counting



BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Question: How can you tell if the President is lying? Answer: His mouth is open. So, after two-plus years of the President of the United States continuously lying through his dentures (the latest total by the Washington Post is 8,158 lies and counting) about his motives for failing to give a shit about the lives (literally) and SMUSlivelihoods of millions of American workers and their families, I feel it only politic to conduct a deservedly dubious in-depth re-examination of the veracity of his claims regarding the benefits ensuing to his dupable I’m-always-going-to-believe-anything-he-says-regardless-of-any-documented-evidence-to-the-contrary-and-besides-he’s-a-dedicated-racist-and-misogynist-so-why-wouldn’t-I-believe-him “base” from previously exaggerated, obfuscated and, above all, self-aggrandizing Trumpian legislative and executive actions:

With all due — albeit reluctant — minimal attribution to Jim Jordan:

1. The Great American Tax Reduction/Wealth Entitlement Act (yeah, I added a word or two of my own): The rich got vastly richer; the middle and lower classes got enough to load up on peanuts and cake. End of story.

2. Regulations (as antonymous of “protections”) severely reduced: Absolutely true, if you don’t mind getting poisoned, asphyxiated, or just plain dead before your time. End of story “II.”

3. Faster economic growth (read: leaps and bounds in the Jones Dowry): Yep, Wall Street loves it; working folks’ wages — not so much. Hey, Donnie, you gonna take that budget balancing act on the road?

4. Lowest unemployment in 50 years (or, Fast Food gets its mojo back): Yep, also. But 50 years ago your wages actually bought a whole lot more goods and services than today’s do taking inflation into account. Gimme a “regular” burger, skip the cheese, and I’ll have water to drink.

5. Wages rising: I think we’ve already covered that. Walmart workers will soon be riding to work in new BMW’s. It’s only a matter of time.

6. Out of Iran Nuclear Deal … and into a world where respect for, and recognition of, U.S. agreed-to pacts, agreements and treaties aren’t worth the paper they’re written on. Can you spell M O R O N I C and T R A I T O R O U S?!

7. Embassy in Jerusalem: Fuck the Palestinians, and dilly dilly for death and destruction in the Middle East! So sayeth the orange-maned Orangutan to every suppressed and equality-, fairness-, and justice-deprived/seeking individual on the face of the earth!

8. Hostages home from North Korea: Even a deaf, dumb and blind pig can occasionally find a fellow hog looking to fabricate a phony impression once in a while. Nuff said “III.”

9. New NAFTA: Can you spell H-Y-P-E-R-B-O-L-I-Z-E?! Can you spell S P I N? Can you spell B U L L S H I T! Nuff said “IV.”

10. Justices Gorsuch and Kavanaugh: If you wanted even more right-wing political representation on the top federal bench, you got exactly what you hoped for. But, if you think these Republican ringers are EVER going to rule in favor of America’s working stiffs, you are even more gullible than previously proven.

11. 80+ “conservative” judges confirmed: Same as above, with added emphasis on hate and the destruction of equal rights as Trump cleanses America of LGBTQ folks one WASP jurist at a time. May God have mercy on you and your warped sense of present-day Presidential propriety!

Whoda thunk it?! 35+% of the population still thinking that this piece of Presidential excrement has their — or ANYONE’S — best interests at heart?! And speaking of Oval Office oral bowel movements, all you Great White Hope adoring West Virginians, how’s that Donnie J.-decreed coal comeback working out for you? And, all you U.S. auto-assembling he’ll-nix-NAFTA naivetes, how are those steel and aluminum tariffs working out for you? And, all you great plains and elsewhere subsidy-saved spreaders, how ’bout those sorghum and soybean tariffs, huh? That’s some real defecation-dressing for your acreage, no? I mean, other than to exemplify and thus somehow legitimize the open expression of your own racism and bigotry, what the hell is it exactly that this piece of white nationalist waste has truly done for you? Cough it up, the “wall” thing has never been more than just a southwestern extension of the Dumpster’s “Let’s-Make-America-White-Again” deal, right? Come on, admit it. It’s always been just a matter of keeping those brown and tan shades out of your lily white sight, RIGHT?

Oh, by the way, you’ll no doubt be delighted to learn that that Oval Office lower orifice of yours somehow “undercounted” the number of kids he separated from their mothers at the border. It was surely unintentional (sure it was), and, what the hell, he only missed that first phony count by a FEW THOUSAND INNOCENT BOYS AND GIRLS anyway. Incidentally, Lou, Rush, Sean, Ann, Laura and Dinesh send their regards.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.