10 Things I Learned @ Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz

Miley & Dead Petz copy

Photos courtesy of WAYNE COYNE via Instagram

1. When dressing for the Miley Cyrus concert circus at the Electric Factory, the only two sensible choices are a full-body fleece onesie, or the skimpiest rave harlot/stripper outfit that you can wear without getting arrested. Or so it would seem judging by the crowd. But what do I know? I was wearing trouser socks. Don’t ask.

2. If you want to get to the front of the pit quickly, tell everyone you have a photo pass while climbing over their heads. Even if you don’t. People love that.

3. The “Miley Army” is no joke. Upon hearing the concert-opening guitar riff of “Party In The USA,” a gum-snapping sea of ecstatic, tarted-up Miley bangers will mercilessly trample every inch of breathing space available in the pit.  The air will fast become hot and thin. There will be girls vomiting all around you. At this point you will begin to think maybe this isn’t going to be the fun, ironic I-went-to-see-Miley! meta-experience you thought it would be. And escape is impossible.

4. The casualties add up fast. Apparently, just because your friend is so out of it on God knows what that she can’t even walk from the parking lot to the FlamingLipsExplosionentrance of the Electric Factory is no reason not to literally drag her along and let her sleep it off on the floor of the pit. There seemed to be a lot of that going on Saturday night.

5. But then something happens. Suddenly, the urge to light myself on fire and run screaming for the exit subsides. It should bother me that the pounds of confetti and enormous balloons showering the audience during “1 Sun,” a song about saving the environment, are most likely bound for the nearest landfill. But oddly, it doesn’t.

6. During “Lighter” Miley will light a joint, take a HUGE hit and pass it to the crowd while a girl wearing a giant lighter costume stands behind her. Miley is very literal.

7. Charge your smartphone before the show so you can document each wonderfully ridiculous Gaga-esque outfit change Miley makes while simultaneously commenting “U RUINED MILEY” on Wayne Coyne’s Instagram.

8. Keep your ears and your mind open, as Miley and the Flaming Lips/Dead Petz make great sounds together live, and their album is much better than the published criticisms want you to believe.

9. Miley Cyrus is actually hilarious— dressing up as a big fat baby for the song “BB Talk,” which is about how much she hates gooey PDA and pet names, and ending the number by dancing out of the baby suit on a stripper pole.

10. When all is said and done, the whole Dead Petz thing still won’t make sense to you, despite the pathos of Miley’s emotional ballads about the late Pablow the Blowfish and her deceased dog Floyd. The feeling that will resonate, however, is the undeniable excitement from having seen one of the biggest pop stars in the world in such a small space, and being encouraged by her to do whatever the hell you want with your life. To invent yourself. And you will have a twinge of pride remembering something she said earlier (SEE BELOW): that it was her time living in Philadelphia that radicalized her. It was here that she first got her freak on. That it was right here in Philadelphia that Hannah Montana finally died so that Miley Cyrus could be born. — MARY LYNN DOMINGUEZ