The dog days of summer are upon us and all that entails: the heat, the humidity, the melanoma, those horrible Roman Gladiator sandals that way too many ladies continue to insist on wearing even though their name is not Spartacus and never will be. We know what you’re thinking: If only somebody would write and perform a one-woman show/dark comedy that traverses the themes of feminism and madness, featuring Joan of Arc, Emily Dickinson, The FBI, The Black Panther Party, New Wave star Jean Seberg, saints, sex workers—and a dog named Blanco. Well, the gods have heard your prayers and are pleased with your sacrifices. Which is why we have a coupla pairs of tix to see Hello Sadness, the one-woman-show dark comedy written and performed by Mary Tuomanen (pictured) — that traverses the themes of feminism and madness, and incorporates Joan of Arc, Emily Dickinson, The FBI, The Black Panther Party, New Wave star Jean Seberg, saints, sex workers and a dog named Blanco — which runs from Thursday, June 11th through Saturday, June 13th at 8 pm at the Kimmel Centers SEI Innovation Studio. To qualify to win the tix, all you have to do is follow us on Twitter and promise not to wear those awful Roman gladiator sandals to the performance, should you win. Then send an email to FEED@PHAWKER.COM telling us you have done both things — followed us on Twitter and made the ‘no gladiator footwear’ pledge — along with your full name and a mobile number for confirmation, and which performance you would like to attend (6/11 or 6/12), with the subject line I AM NOT SPARTACUS. Good luck and godspeed!