RANT: Me Vs. The Donald, This Time It’s Personal

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Illustration by ALEX FINE

Theodore-RooseveltBY WILLIAM C. HENRY Watching the detestable Donald interact with professional golfers warming up on the practice range for the Cadillac Championship at his Trump National Doral Golf Club last Thursday for some reason made me wonder how a filthy-rich con-man/bigot/phony might conduct himself in a similar situation. Later it dawned on me that the reason I had been wondering such was most likely because I had, in fact, been watching a world-class example of the con-man/bigot/phony genre operating at his shake-your-hand-and-stab-you-in-the-back best. You know, the feigned interest and concern, the disingenuous deference. the counterfeit compliments and commiseration. In other words, a “greedy, sociopathic, silver-spooned, self-aggrandizing racist, who doesn’t give a sh*t about anything other than money and the means it can provide to further his vacuously ostentatious lifestyle and the attendant opportunities it affords to publicly pretend he’s really just one of the boys.”

Okay, I know, by now you’re probably thinking that I’ve got some deep-seated bias going on here that won’t permit me to judge the jerk with anything even approaching objectivity. Well, allow me to set the record straight: You are 1000% correct! I don’t just dislike the Donald, I absolutely, positively, unequivocally despise the son-of-a-bitch! As far as I’m concerned, not only does he not possess a single redeeming quality, I’m unconditionally certain he has never possessed so much as a modicum of anything that could in any way be even remotely confused with a redeeming quality.

So, I ask you, why in the world would anyone want to shake hands with this man? Surely you’d want to beat feet to the nearest sink, soap and hot water immediately following. And why would anyone wish to chat him up? Honestly, why would any discerning human being, let alone a reasonably intelligent, financially comfortable one such as a PGA Tour professional want to seek the recognition of a Donald Trump? Why would they want to debase themselves so? I mean, it would be like gunning for the opportunity to cozy up to the likes of John Holmes or Ron Jeremy. On the other hand, at least those fellas were “equal opportunity” f _ _ _ kers and didn’t have to rely on daddy’s largess or legal loophole elixirs to obtain and retain their status symbols. But I digress.

Sure, you’ve heard it all before. Or, maybe you haven’t. I can’t help but wonder if the world truly understands what a slimeball this comic book clone of a would-be king — and real-life figment of his imagination — has always been? Persistently pure unadulterated racism toward a black President all the while seeking and abusing government protections (jackass or otherwise) in the aftermath of his atrocious business practices both here and abroad.

Oh, what the hell, Bill Maher probably summed up the Trump anathema better than I ever will when he so deftly stated: “New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn’t really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn’t think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nutjobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the Towers. And I know that’s true because I just got it in an e-mail from Trump.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.