SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Deliver Us From Evil

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY With Pope Benedict XVI on the lam, it’s time once again for the Catholic Consiglieri to elect a new Don. My first reaction upon hearing that disgraced Vulture (the truly beautiful black and red bird doesn’t deserve association with this far-less-than-princely predator) Roger Mahony would be allowed to vote for the new Pope (and it turns out he’s wasn’t the only one) was: You’ve got to be sh*tting me! My second was: Well, of course he will, and why not? Hell, if for literally scores of years, the hierarchy of the Catholic church had deemed the molestation and sodomy of more than 16,000 children by some 6,000+ of their venerable purveyors of the faith to be nothing more than “vexations,” why in heaven’s name would you expect them to penalize one of their most crimson for having covered up such despicable acts by perhaps a mere dozen or so?  Hell, given the overall scheme of Catholic church abominations, they probably considered it worthy of little more than a slap on the other cheek.

Seriously, folks, doesn’t it make you wonder when the Catholic church will finally run out of Psalm 51s? Haven’t its twisted and depraved ways outstripped even “biblical proportion”? When will it have finally pushed the absolution envelope too far? When will even the Almighty himself no longer be willing to forgive and forget? When will the pedophilia, corruption and obscene ostentation be more than even he can stomach? Lord above, isn’t the fact that Christ’s vicar, his very own “go to” guy down here on earth — you know, the fellow with “infallible” insight when it comes to faith and morals — was himself privy to the sexual abuse and its unconscionable cover-up, finally enough to constitute throwing in the Pallium on the entire operation?!

For centuries the Vatican has been little more than an unholy mess of corruption, a witch’s brew of scandal, back-stabbing, feuding, betrayal and insidious secrecy (even by CIA standards). It continues to shelter more than its share of enablers as well. And, when it comes to obscene ostentation, it’s flat out impossible to match that of the Catholic church! It’s also totally impossible to reconcile such outrageous avarice with the most basic teachings of its founder. Christ didn’t give a hoot for the wealthy, nor did he think much of building gaudy edifices instead of meeting the needs of the poor. Anyway they try to spin it, nothing spells middle finger to heaven more than the church’s disgracefully self-serving pursuit and accumulation of unconscionable wealth. For God’s sake, Jesus preached that it would be easier to push a camel through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven! Apparently, the church’s hierarchy has been filling thin-needled syringes with pureed camel flesh ever since the days of Peter.

It’s time to pack up the pretense, forsake the imposture, abdicate the deception, abandon the affectation. Get out of the business! Your phoniness and fraud have been an abhorrence over, and over, and over again. The Catholic hierarchy is a tale of empty trappings and adornment, full of pontification and fear, signifying nothing but unbridled greed and a lusting for power and control. It reads like a tawdry dime-store novel the whole of which can be summed up in a few short but oh so perceptive quotes of Jorge Luis Borges (from “The Aleph and Other Stories”) and Oscar Wilde (from “The Picture of Dorian Gray”) respectively: “He was very religious; he believed that he had a secret pact with God which exempted him from doing good in exchange for prayers and piety.” “And what sort of lives do these people, who pose as being moral, lead themselves? My dear fellow, you forget that we are in the native land of the hypocrite.” Good riddance to bad rubbish.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.