THE GROUNDHOG DAY OF AMERICAN F*CKEDNESS: The 10 Most Outrageous Political Carryovers From 2012


1. Some $500 billion of hard-earned taxpayer money will be squandered in the next 12 months in the form of corporate welfare and archaic, outmoded, completely useless military overkill. As usual, the giveaway will be perpetrated by literally thousands of the most consistently hypocritical bastards on the face of the earth, i.e., your elected local, state and national representatives. Surprisingly, it will be condoned (in at least one instance) by a somewhat two-faced but nevertheless respected national publication.

2. Under federal law, marijuana use and distribution is still illegal. Period. Just because Colorado and Washington state have taken the high road, don’t for one minute think you’ve got nothing to hide. Bear in mind, we’re not talking about stealing billion$, and you probably don’t live on Wall Street.

3. We continue to have a serving Supreme Court justice who compares condoning acts of homosexuality with approving of murder. Apparently you can still lead an old whore to culture — but you’ll never be able to make him think. Obviously you can’t teach an old dogma new tricks, either! Sincerest apologies to Ms. Parker.

4. Faux (nee Fox) News retains its mephitic niche position among legitimate news disseminating organizations. All you need to know about Fox News is what “Ailes” it. Let’s see now, who do Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Richard Nixon, Glenn Beck, Rupert Murdoch, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and George W. Bush have in common? What a shockarooni!

5. The United States maintains its tenuous lead over Somalia as “most corrupt/dysfunctional” of all the world’s governments. Okay, so I’m being slightly facetious. But it should come as no surprise to anyone that America’s client-state, Afghanistan, is vying for the lead!

6. Mitch McConnell restates his number one goal as limiting Obama to two terms. Having devoted the entirety of the past three years to torching crosses rather than leading Congressional efforts to solve America’s seemingly intractable social and fiscal problems, the white sheet shrouded senate minority leader has now set his sights on achieving a much more realistic but no less daunting goal.

7. Donald Trump continues to claim that Hawaii is a Third World African nation. Convinced that microfilm and other modern document storage and reproduction techniques are all part of a preordained massive liberal/democrat conspiracy, The Donald is now taking his crusade to the Soil Science Society of America (SSSA) in hopes of proving that Hawaiian Islands’ dirt bears a striking resemblance to that of Kenya.

8. Sarah Palin continues to prove that illiteracy can be a true political asset. Anticipating that Katie Couric might invite her to be a guest on her new daytime show, Sarah is said to be snapping up every edition of Classic Comics she can get her hands on. Consequently prices have nearly quadrupled with collectors reaping unimagined windfalls.

9. George W. Bush ends up among the qualifiers in Gallup’s poll of Most Admired Men of 2012. No, that’s not a misprint. Never before in the history of public opinion sampling have so many been so outspoken about their lack of brain matter. 4,486 brave American young men and women turned over in their graves. It wasn’t intended to be a joke.

10. Beyond all reason or comprehension of common decency, American troops continue to be killed (2,156), maimed(18,109) and PTSD’d (247,243 ) in Afghanistan — and America really doesn’t seem to give a damn.  There is no punchline for this one . — WILLIAM C. HENRY