BY REBECCA GOODACRE ROYAL SUBJECT It is officially a week until the Royal Wedding. Well, bloody hell, I better get out my hand-held union jack flags and commemorative china. My crumpets always taste so much better eaten off the smarmy faces of two young future monarchs. And the date of the big day hasn’t really been mentioned much in the media (sarcasm alert), so it’s useful to have it painted onto my tea-cup, just so I can be reminded with every sip exactly when all my taxes are being spent on four tons of roses and a glass carriage. Yes, apparently my homeland is now a Disney movie. But without the evil witch to ruin the big day — unless anyone is still counting Camilla.
Being a Brit in America during a Royal Wedding is quite a harrowing experience. The Royal Family are like those embarrassing distant relatives that you’d rather pretend didn’t exist, but continue to plan garish events that you can’t ignore because everyone else asks you the deal. So, what is the deal with the Royal Wedding? Well Kate Middleton (or Kate Middleclass as she has been dubbed by scathingly ‘witty’ British newspapers, I mean how dare she not have blue blood?) finally got every girls dream of becoming a fully fledged Princess, crown and coat of arms included. Except this Prince is balding and his brother dresses in Nazi costumes for giggles. But the hardy young girl has been able to suck it up, and brave the £20 million wedding. What a trooper.
Given the grand title of “event of the century” by one television station, the Royal Wedding has a lot to live up to. Although this statement is a little preemptive (Charlie Sheen’s Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option anyone?), the Royal family really know how to drag out their time in the limelight. The wedding events begin next Friday at 10.15 AM when Wills arrives at Westminster with Harry and the final fly over by the Royal Air Force isn’t until 1:30 that afternoon. But I’m pretty sure the coverage will last for another four months after, so don’t worry if you miss anything. The footage will also be on repeat for pretty much the rest of our lives. There’s really only so much Royal celebration I can process. But you know, when the Queen and the newlywed bride and groom emerge on the balcony of Buckingham Palace to wave to the adoring masses…I might well up…bloody hell, who am I kidding? I simply can’t muster any emotion about all this hoopla other than deeply unsettling feelings of humiliation that these are my people.
Mercifully, graphic designer Lydia Leith designed a range of royally-themed airplane style sick bags. This will come in handy, especially after you’ve consumed a Papa John’s wedding pizza, with toppings arranged into a mosaic of the happy couples’ faces. Appetizing. Pez also released commemorative dispensers in the shape of each of their heads. Yeah, that’s not horrifyingly creepy at all. But much more sensibly, someone designed a Royal Wedding-themed pill box, and there’s also a specially brewed beer in their honor. So there’s a few tools for getting through this. So, buck up, in just eight days it will all be over. And try not to think about this: a wedding only lasts one day, but the reruns are forever.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Rebecca Goodacre hails from Norwhich, England. She is currently spending a year studying abroad at Temple and interning at Phawker.