BY HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED Be it hereby announced. A pox upon all of your houses for your Yankee fandom. While I am ordinarily a Yankee-hater, John has fueled a new level of hate and vitriol in me because he called me last night and said “Man, it’s been soooo long since the Yankees have been in the World Series.” To me. A Cubs fan. And didn’t see a hint of irony in it. I hope A-Rod’s arm falls off and Cashman quits to be replaced by Steve Phillips. I hope senile old George Steinbrenner breaks out of the nursing home bed he’s strapped to and seizes control of the team by re-hiring a dead Billy Martin to manage. I hope that fat, overrated, coddled baby Chamberlin gets popped for another DUI on the Major Deegan and I hope video footage of David Ortiz railing Kate Hudson from behind comes out ten minutes before game time.
I want Nick Swisher to hold a press conference in which he admits 1) he’s a whiner 2)his new playoff haircut makes him look like the kind of guy who hangs out in college bars well into his thirties creepily (and unsuccessfully) lobbying 22 year old blondes to do “body shots.” I want Hideki Matsui to strike out and commit sepuku at home plate. I want Johnny Damon to finally admit that he’s even gayer than Mike Piazza. I want to see Jorge Posada get cocky because he managed to steal a base of Mike Nappoli (way to go, champ) and try to steal another only to have that enormous nose of his sheered off by a bullet thrown by Carlos Ruiz. I want Andy Pettitte to be kicked out the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because he polluted his personal, corporeal holy tabernacle with performance-enhancing drugs. I want Mark Teixiera to admit that even HE doesn’t always spell his last name correctly.
And most of all…I want Derek Jeter to not get a single hit so I can watch his lil Kalamazoo-bred punim pouting in the dugout begging Joe Girardi for a hug because “The Captain” (Yo, real Captains have to shave more than once a week and are taller than 5′ 8″) is having a bad series. I want to see him choke on every ground ball (looks like that “range training” during the off season, which used to just be called “greenies,” is wearing off boys…) I want to see him barely able to make contact. I want to see him chase a ball to to the stands, but rather than coming back with the ball I want to see him come back missing at least two of his incisors missing. I want to see him be a five-tool failure. Right now he’s just one, big tool. I want Mark Teixiera and Robby Cano and CC to each have a decent series, but be eaten up by the failure and mediocrity around them leaving them demanding trades before opening day 2010. Don’t EVER tell me how long it’s been since the Yankees have made the World Series. Y’all can go to hell.
RELATED: Although Philadelphia doesn’t draw the same ire among New Yorkers as Boston or Los Angeles, it’s mostly because Gothamites consider the city across the Ben Franklin Bridge pretty pathetic, says Bleacher Creature Michael Stewart. “I don’t have hate for Philly exactly — they are like our redheaded stepchild,” he said. “It’s like a nothing city. It’s just insignificant in comparison to New York.” Another Yankee fan, Laura Nidelle, 24, insists the Yuengling-slinging rubes in Philly are uncultured and uninteresting — and go to bed too early. “I briefly lived in Philadelphia and I couldn’t wait to get out,” the Brooklyn writer said. “Their fans are whiners, the food is lousy and there is nothing to do. “New York is all about being on top, with no excuses — just like the Yankees.” MORE