BY DAVE ALLEN Like time, news waits for no man. Keeping up with the funny papers has always been an all-day job, even in the pre-Internets era. These days, however, it’s a two-man job. That’s right, these days you need someone to do your reading for you, or risk falling hopelessly behind and, as a result, increasing your chances of dying lonely and somewhat bitter. That’s why every week, PAPERBOY does your alt-weekly reading for you. We pore over those time-consuming cover stories and give you the takeaway, suss out the cover art, warn you off the ink-wasters and steer […]
THE MONEY SHOT: Submitted For Your Consideration
Without comment. RELATED: The Clog
PHILLIES WIN PENNANT! PHILLIES WIN PENNANT!
Please resist the urge to shoot your gun into the air. NEW YORK TIMES: The Phillies captured the National League pennant Wednesday night at Dodger Stadium, with Cole Hamels silencing the Los Angeles Dodgers, 5-1, in Game 5 of the N.L. Championship Series.
INSTA-POLLS: Obama K.O.s McCain, Wins 3 Out Of 3
CNN: Fifty-four percent of those questioned in a CNN/Opinion Research Corp. survey conducted after the debate ended said that Obama did the best job in the debate, with 30 percent saying Sen. John McCain performed better. According to the poll, 64 percent had a favorable opinion of Obama after the debate, up 4 points from before the event. Fifty-one percent of those polled had a favorable opinion of McCain after the debate, unchanged from before its start. A majority said Obama seemed to be the stronger leader during the debate, 54 percent to 43 percent, and by a more than […]
TONITE: The Old Man’s Last Stand
[Illustration by JAY BEVENOUR] Tune in tonight for the snarkiest, most unabashedly liberally-biased debate coverage on the Internet! You may not learn anything, but it will make you feel better. Tonight’s analysts will be JONATHAN VALANIA and CITIZEN MOM. Starts around 9 PM. You betcha 8:50 PM me: yo Citizen: Where ya been, slacka? 8:51 PM me: saving up my superpowers of snark CNN? Citizen: Yeah, I can’t live without the neon noodles anymore meaning, the squiggley lines me: I like following Gergen’s combover it’s like a soap opera and a whodunnit 8:52 PM all at once Citizen: Soledad O’Brien’s hair is getting […]
CELEBS: Madonna Back On The Market, Silverman Off
CNN: Pop star Madonna and her film director husband Guy Ritchie are to divorce, Madonna’s UK spokeswoman, Moira Bellas, confirmed to CNN. A statement e-mailed to The Associated Press from Madonna spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg says the couple has agreed to divorce, and asks the media to respect their privacy. The statement, co-signed by Ritchie’s representative, says the couple had not agreed to a settlement. Ritchie, 40, and Madonna married seven years ago at a lavish ceremony in Scotland, but rumors have been circulating in the press recently that their relationship was increasingly under strain. Earlier this year, the singer denied […]
Cheney Taken To Hospital With Irregular Heartbeat
ASSOCIATED PRESS: Vice President Dick Cheney experienced an abnormal heartbeat Wednesday morning and, upon the advice of White House doctors, went to the hospital for a procedure to “restore his normal rhythm.” For the 67-year-old Cheney, who canceled a campaign event he was to attend later Wednesday in Illinois, it will be the second time in less than a year that he will have the outpatient procedure — which consists of an electric shock. The vice president’s office said that after experiencing a problem, Cheney saw the White House physician. It was discovered there that he was experiencing a recurrence […]
NO PLACE LIKE HOME: Another Foreclosure Suicide
LA TIMES: A series of financial setbacks left Wanda Dunn facing eviction from the house in Pasadena where her family had lived for generations. Dunn, 53, told neighbors that she would rather die than leave. Early Monday, the day of her expected eviction, firefighters pulled her body out of the house as it burned. She apparently had set it on fire before shooting herself in the head, authorities said. “We knew it was going to happen,” said Steve Brooks, who lived across the street. “It was nobody’s fault; it was everybody’s fault.” As Brooks watched the flames, he noticed that […]
LASSO OF TRUTH: Wonder Woman Is Anti-Palin
THE HILL: Lynda Carter, who played Wonder Woman on television in the 1970s, slammed Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin as the “anti-Wonder Woman.” Carter made her remarks in response to a question from Philadelphia Magazine about comparisons between Wonder Woman and Gov. Palin (Alaska), the GOP’s first veep nominee. “She’s judgmental and dictatorial, telling people how they’ve got to live their lives,” Carter added. “And a superior religious self-righteousness … that’s just not what Wonder Woman is about. Hillary Clinton is a lot more like Wonder Woman than Mrs. Palin. She did it all, didn’t she?” Carter said that […]
MUST SEE: Species, Asshole Americana
[Al Jazeera English: Misconceptions of Obama fuel Republican campaign] Astonishing how little progress has been made since the Salem Witch Trials. [Hat tip to WOOKIFIED]
THE HATE NOISE: Anthrax Hoaxes Shutdown Obama Campaign Offices In Philadelphia And New York
CBS: PHILADELPHIA (CBS 3) — A threatening letter containing a suspicious powder forced evacuations at a Barack Obama campaign office in South Philadelphia Tuesday afternoon. According to police, a letter with a suspicious powder was sent to an Obama-Biden field office in the 1500 block of Christian Street. The letter was apparently opened by a volunteer at the office.”The letter was somewhat threatening in nature and it contained a substance that we believe to be a hazmat,” Captain Mike Gillespie said shortly after the incident. Police, fire and hazmat crews responded to the scene shortly after a 911 call was […]
FAILOUT: The Masque Of The In-The-Red Death
TECH CRUNCH: The collapse of so many major financial institutions in the past year, and over the past few days especially, is hard to fathom in its enormity. Sometimes you need a good visual to put things in perspective. The New York Times has an interactive graphic up on its site that pretty much says it all. It shows that $4 trillion has been wiped off the total market capitalization of the U.S. stock market since last October. Of that, nearly $1 trillion is from the decline in the financial sector alone. MORE EDGAR ALLAN POE: THE “Red Death” had […]
EARLY WORD: The Milkmen Died For Your Grins
Psst! Hey, Bub. The Dead Milkmen are playing a ‘secret’ show at Johnny Brenda’s on October 25th, the day before their official reunion show for R5 Productions, under the name ‘Les Enfants Du Prague.’ Don’t tell nobody! THE DEAD MILKMEN: Punk Rock Girl If you don’t got Mojo Nixon, then your store could use some fixin’!