TONITE: The Old Man’s Last Stand

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[Illustration by JAY BEVENOUR]

Tune in tonight for the snarkiest, most unabashedly liberally-biased debate coverage on the Internet! You may not learn anything, but it will make you feel better. Tonight’s analysts will be JONATHAN VALANIA and  CITIZEN MOM. Starts around 9 PM. You betcha

8:50 PM me: yo

 Citizen: Where ya been, slacka?

8:51 PM me: saving up my superpowers of snarkobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

  CNN?

 Citizen: Yeah, I can’t live without the neon noodles anymore

  meaning, the squiggley lines

 me: I like following Gergen’s combover

  it’s like a soap opera

  and a whodunnit

8:52 PM all at once

 Citizen: Soledad O’Brien’s hair is getting bigger and bigger

8:53 PM me: these undecideds beggar disbelief at this point

 Citizen: I’m really having issues with the Phillies game right now

 me: what up with the game?

 Citizen: bottom of the 2nd, phils winning 1-0

8:54 PM me: I would like one of them to just say, “You know, I don’t really pay attention, and don’t expect to, and oh, also, I don’t plan to vote”

8:55 PM Citizen: Yeah but then they wouldn’t have been picked to hold the dial meter

  meter

 me: oh, they are SUCH media whores

  the only time being a bald fat middle-aged nobody from Cow’s Ass Ohio makes them a celebrity

8:56 PM Citizen: HAHA! Figured out how to split the TV screen

 me: sweet

 Citizen: Got the Phils on the right, debate on the left

  noice

 me: what is your problem with the Phils?

8:57 PM Citizen: I want them to win and wrap this shit UP tonight

 me: ah

8:58 PM Citizen: I’m wondering how this format is going to go over tonight

8:59 PM me: I like this format

 me: can’t run away

 Citizen: Ugh, I shoulda taken my contacts out

 me: Donna Brazille is turning into Billie Holiday right before our eyes

9:00 PM 

  ok,

  here we go

  this is the big one

  any predictions?

  I think if he brings up Ayers it will get REAL ugly

  because you know Obama is ready with the counterpunch that will hurt McCain more

9:01 PM than Ayers hurts Obama

 Citizen: I think the combination of McCain and Bob Schieffer make Obama look even better

  They are so fecking old

 me: shoulda had Carson Daly moderate one of these

  with just questions from 13 year old girls

 Citizen: I’d like to see Kathy Griffin on a debate panelobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

  giving shoutouts to her gays and whatnot

9:02 PM me: David Lee Roth would KILL in this format

 me: Barackin the red, white and blue

9:03 PM notice they are sitting just out of reach

  bet they measured their arms

  so no actual punches would connect

 Citizen: They did make body/eye contact there at the beginning

 me: good to see you again, Senator That One

9:04 PM Citizen: If McCain tries doing the semi-response into canned answer thing again it’s gonna be bad

 me: did he just blame Obama for putting Nancy Reagan in the hospital?

 Citizen: haha

  tripped an old lady

 me: thought for a minute there McCain was gonna blame the minorities for the financial meltdown

 Citizen: took the little rubber knob off the bottom of her cane

9:05 PM I LOVE that I am listening to a Republican talk about the federal government buying home mortagages

  Buncha PINKOS!

 me:

9:06 PMObama’s ears look smaller tonight

  you think he had them done?

  and if so, i wanna know how many John Mccain Sucks ads that coulda bought!

9:07 PM Citizen: I hear Ben Affleck loaned him his plastic surgeon

 me: Ben had work done?

 Citizen: Cosmetic surgery = NOT covered

 me: what, removing JLO from his hip?

 Citizen: haha

9:08 PM me: redistributing wealth

  don’t go there, John

  most people have nothing

  redistributing wealth sounds very good to most people

  you hang out with too many rich guys

  John Mccain is gonna buy Joe The Plumber’s business?

  brilliant strategy

9:09 PM Citizen: Loansharking as an alternate careerobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

  John McCain: Shylock

 me: ha

  John, you have been watching too many of your own ads

  it’s why you can’t sleep at night

9:10 PM 

 Citizen: He’s still waiting for the 3 a.m. phone call from Hillary

 Citizen: I wonder if Joe the Plumber had plumber’s crack?

9:11 PM me: gonna fix that crack with a $5,000 tax credit

 Citizen: Spreading the wealth around, perhaps, by buying peoples mortgages?

  It’s like they’ve given up any pretense of telling the truth

 me: I am telling you ‘spreading the wealth around’ is a loser for Mccain

  who does that sound bad too?

9:12 PM except for the rich guys we are bailing out?

 Citizen: He’s trying to needle Obama to piss him off and try to get him to make a misstep or seem shrill

 me: my friend Warren Buffet, nice one Obama

  my man Obama is UNSHAKEABLE

9:13 PM Citizen: What he should have said is that people as wealthy as the McCains can afford to pay more taxes

 me: yep

  lemme email Obama quick

 Citizen: Ryan Howard just drove in another run, Phils up 2-0!

9:14 PM me: are those even real people at that GOP Watch Party?

  I swear I can see the zippers on the back

 Citizen: They borrow them from a Lands End catalogobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

9:15 PM me: Obama and McCain should have beers for this

  I think

  maybe pretzels

  so that Joe Sixpack can relate, y’know?

9:16 PM Citizen: McCain can’t drink, he’s probably on too much medication

 me: he looks like he’s on meth

 Citizen: Bad interaction with the Lipitor and Aricept

 me: hell, he had all his blood drained and replaced with a Karl Rove transfusion

9:17 PM it’s why his eye twitches

 Citizen: Haha, McCain touting New Deal home mortgage bailout

 

9:18 PM me: oh, man, the vision of Mccain coming at America with a hatchet in one hand and a scalpel in the other

  is scaring my cat

 Citizen: Are you watching the neon line?

  McCain is FINALLY connecting with men

 me: all shaky hands, “This won’t hurt a bit.”

 Citizen: He could win this debate

9:19 PM me: enough with the pork

  don’t bring up the projector

  HE DIDN”T

  I saw that ‘overhead projector”

  it’s fucking amazing

  its a state of the art planetarium

  but if you teach the kids about the stars, they don’t wanna kill Arabs so much

  so, must be scrapped

Citizen: Ooooh

 me: good comeback finally on the Bush thing

 Citizen: Does this mean Obama gets to say “I’m not Bill Ayers”?

9:22 PM me: if you wanted to run against Bill Ayers, you shoulda done it in 1969obamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

9:24 PM POW

  still, he’s so mavericky

  That Keating 5 thing was pretty mavericky when you think about it

9:25 PM it was like, FUCK YOU law

  I’m a maverick!

 Citizen: yeah, screw YOU ethics!

 me: uh oh

  here is the Ayers opening

  will he take it?

9:26 PM Citizen: of course he will, he kind of has to

  Obama called him out on it

 me: WHOAh, did he just bring up the JFK assassination?

9:27 PM Citizen: Oh PLEASE

 me: by the way, I sat in a prison cell in Hanoi for five years

  he is pussying out on the Ayers?

  PUSSY!

9:28 PM Citizen: This bullshit with asking Obama to repudiate John Lewis is ludicrous

  Has McCain not been listening to Palin’s speeches?

  Or watching his own commercials?

 me: he masturbates to them

9:29 PM you didn’t do townhalls with me, you TERRORIST!

  go bama

  handling this like a pro

  I am tough enough to take it

  he is saying, how about you old man?

 Citizen: it’s not connecting with the undecideds

9:30 PM me: those people aren’t even registered to vote!

  misportray?

 Citizen: Attack ads on your health care plan are OK, Sen. McCain

 me: gotta look that up

 Citizen: Personal attack ads

  are not

9:31 PM me: Joe the Plumber, I have a shiny new penny for you!obamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

  now fix my pipes, bitch!

  you know he is thinking that

  ooh

  wow he brought up KILL HIM!

9:32 PM POW

 Citizen: YES!

 me: he just put that out there

  big time

 Citizen: This is the correct response

 me: Obama is showing leadership, this grace under pressure is what will win over the last white holdouts

9:33 PM Citizen: This is good

 me: is Mccain blowing his nose

  or snarfing up lines of meth

 Citizen: Instead of getting pulled into a nitpick on this with McCain, be above it

 me: Obama is BEGGING him to bring up Ayers

  you know he has a can of whoopass ready to open

  omg, Mccain is going with:

9:34 PM ‘how dare you pick on the veterans

  that shout KILL HIM

  Also, I spent five years in a prison cell in Hanoi’

9:35 PM Citizen: McCain just defended people who yell hate speech at his rallies

 me: those people are veterans, you COMMIE!

  they earned the right to vent their racism

  ooh

9:36 PM he went there

  oh lord, ACORN?

  is destroying the fabric of our democracy?

  I thought Diebold was doing that

  go bama

9:37 PM go bama

  go bama

  he just killed Ayers dead

 Citizen: Oh man the RNC has been hammering ACORN all weekobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

 me: such a sham

9:38 PM they are just trying to scare up a strawman to blame the election loss on

  that is all part of their strategy

 Citizen: this is going nowhere

9:39 PM McCain’s sitting there grinning like goober

 me: bring up G. Gordon Liddy!

  NOW

9:40 PM bring up the head of Mccain transition team that was a lobbyist for Saddam Hussein!

Citizen: OOOooooohhhh the Palin question

9:42 PM Perfect answer on Biden

 me: yeah, I’d vote for him

 Citizen: A ROLE MODEL TO WOMEN

9:43 PM I just threw up my internal organs

 me: she is so mavericky!

  brushing freth air!

  somebody just spiked his IV

9:44 PM Citizen: McCain pimping Palin’s kids?

  tacky

 me: she is SO fertile!

  the most fertile VP we ever had!

  say she is ‘likeable enough’, Obama

9:45 PM no matter what happens, Mccain should have a kid with Palin

  before this is over

      like, a momento

 Citizen: It’s goddamn creepy

  If Mcccain can’t bring himself to say Biden is qualified to be president, that’s just gross

 me: low road

  I love Joe, but he sucks

9:46 PM 

  did Mccain just do another line?

9:47 PM damn he is fast

  camera didn’t even catch it

  gotta admire his form

  even if I don’t approve of his drug abuse

 Citizen: he’s been taking lessons with Amy Winehouseobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

 me: especially at his age

9:48 PM love the way he reels off those alt energy sources like a medicine show huckster

9:50 PM Obama doesn’t say it as snappy

  I bet he’s a lousy rapper

 Citizen: Sorry, I had to make some microwave popcorn

 me: which white America will be happy to learn

  what up with the Phils?

 Citizen: I’m leaving a trail to find my way back out of the forest of lies

 me: ha

9:51 PM Citizen: Up 3-0 top of the 5th

 me: I tied a rope around my waste

  waist

  and threw a few tennis balls thu first

 Citizen: NO!

  He did not just compliment the black dude’s eloquence!

9:52 PM Phillies just scored again!

9:53 PM me: Mccain just did another bump

9:54 PM dude is a FIEND

  look how happy he looks after he gets his fix

 Citizen: McCain eyerolls?

 me: it’s sad, really

  the man is on a lot of drugs, eyerolls are a side effect

  plus he spent five years in a prison cell in Hanoi

9:55 PM Citizen: Can’t move his arms

  I need a column idea for this week

9:57 PM me: so only a half hour left

  in Mccain’s last stand

9:58 PM he threw Ayers out there and it was a dud

  that was all he had

 Citizen: He’s doing well

 me: that and ‘redistribute wealth’

  Mccain?

 Citizen: But I don’t think it will be enough

  Yeah, McCain

  he’s gonna fake-win this debate

 me: won’t help

  he had to destroy Obama

  and he didn’t do it

 Citizen: Phils up 5-0!

9:59 PM me: sweet

  you GOTTA believe

10:00 PM Senator McCain, health insurance costs an average family $12,000 a yearobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

 Citizen: Joe the Plumber is at your house schtupping your daughter

 me: what are they gonna do with a $5,000 tax credit?

  Joe the Plumber is voting Obama

10:01 PM Joe the Plumber is actually under my sink right now!

  I can see his ass crack

  it is a MIGHTY crack!

 Citizen: Slap some spackle on that

10:02 PM Has there been any discussion of education whatsoever in any of these debates?

  Crime?

  Urban issues?

10:03 PM AIDS?

 me: that is all very unpleasant and possibly black

  they make the lines go down

 Citizen: Seriously

 me: Joe just Whoo-Hooed over the ‘He’s rich’ thing

10:04 PM McCain should just offer Joe The Plumber a cool million out of pocket

  seriously he would win the election

  McCain is worth $40 million on his own

10:05 PM Insurance costs $5,800 and Mccain is gonna give you $5,000, and where does the other $800 come from?

  selling dime bags to suburban dad-rockers?

 Citizen: He just called him Senator Government

 me: better than Senator That One

  Mccain just did ANOTHER line

10:06 PM you hear that

  I think I can see a little white powder on his nose

10:08 PM Mccain is choking on his own abortion issue

  his base WANTS him to apply a litmus test

10:09 PM Citizen: He just said it, though he’ll deny it later

  That he would consider a Supreme Court justice who supports abortion rights

10:10 PM No need for Obama to be spooling out his entire abortion stance right tnow

10:13 PM me: Senator Obama performed over 119 abortions on the floor of the Illinois state house!

 Citizen: All miscengated babies from single teenaged mothers

10:15 PM me: cavalier activity

  that is gonna be my new word for it

 me: ‘hey baby, in the mood for a little cavalier activity’

  worrying about the health of the mother is the extreme position?

10:16 PM Citizen: right

 me: these little tarts not only neeed to have their baby, but they are gonna adopt one from Africa, too!

  that is my plan on abortion, I’m John McCain and I approve this forced pregnancy

10:17 PM Citizen: finally a question on education

 me: edumacation

 Citizen: aaaaand that’s all the time we have, folks!obamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

 me: I am for it, and my opponent is against it

  he should bring up that ‘overhead projector’ and explain the importance of investing in the infrastructure of education

10:18 PM 

10:19 PM

  school choice

  ugh

  New Orleans and New York

  oh, yeah, most parents DREAM of sending their kids to school there!

 Citizen: Down with charter schools!

10:20 PM me: ‘if only we could get you into a nice shithole in the Bronx honey’

  student loan situation in this country is appalling

  YES

10:21 PM superfund them

  investing in the education of your people his how great nations become great and STAY that way

 Citizen: it’s crippling an entire generation of people

10:23 PM BIG play just now by Pat Burrell

 me: college students are a special interest group with NO lobbyists, so they pay thru the nose

10:24 PM Obama’s eyes are glazing over

  Mccain is flatlining

  sinking

  sinking

  I think the people with the dials are drunk

10:25 PM or got into Mccain’s stash

 Citizen: He’s done well tonight but I don’t think it’s going to give him a big bounce

 me: Obama is just like, ‘cant we just vote tomorrow?’

  I am all for moving it up

  how about you?

 Citizen: It’s really gross the way he keeps pimping Sarah Palin’s kid

 me: let’s just say it already happened and Obama won

 Citizen: Autism and Down Syndrome are NOTHING alike

10:26 PM me: hmm?

 Citizen: Moving up the vote? Nah

  I say start the campaigns later and put a time limit on them like they do in Britain

  Two months

  all you can eat

  None of this 19 month long campaign ishobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

 me: I think the Democrats should be allowed to move up the elections when they are winning and move them back when they are losing

10:27 PM Mccain just did a ‘I gotcha!’

  He sounded like Jimmy Durante

  they should arm wrestle

  and the winner takes the West Wing

 Citizen: in boxer briefs

 me: lordy

 Citizen: Ok, just McCain

  I bet he wears socks with garters

10:28 PM me: for sure

  cock ring, too

  or so I hear

 Citizen: anal beads?

  eww

10:29 PM the great honor of my LONG life

 me: he keeps anal beads in three of his seven houses

 Citizen: my long, long, LONG life

  haha

  only the houses with good looking housekeepers

 me: in the ‘goodie’ drawer

10:30 PM good closer

  Obama

  go bama

  go bama

  go bama

 Citizen: Yeah it’s good that he’s the last word

 me: he looks tired

  you can see the weight of it all on him

10:31 PM Citizen: Hell it’s only been 19 months!

 me: good line: Go vote now it will make you feel big and strong

  thank you Bob Shieffer

  McCain just chased down Shieffer

 Citizen: Amen, Mama Schieffer!

10:32 PM me: while Obama waited for him to come to himobamamccaindebate2_1_1.jpg

  so presidential already

 Citizen: I’m getting tired of Michelle obmaa and the sheath dresses

 me: she can field dress my moose

  hiOOOOOOOOOOO

10:33 PM Hillary is joining live

  wonder who she thought won

  probably Hillary won somehow

 Citizen: I”m totally switching back to the Phillies

 me: roger

  we are a wrap

  good work, kid

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