[Illustration by JAY BEVENOUR]
Tune in tonight for the snarkiest, most unabashedly liberally-biased debate coverage on the Internet! You may not learn anything, but it will make you feel better. Tonight’s analysts will be JONATHAN VALANIA and CITIZEN MOM. Starts around 9 PM. You betcha
8:50 PM me: yo
Citizen: Where ya been, slacka?
8:51 PM me: saving up my superpowers of snark
CNN?
Citizen: Yeah, I can’t live without the neon noodles anymore
meaning, the squiggley lines
me: I like following Gergen’s combover
it’s like a soap opera
and a whodunnit
8:52 PM all at once
Citizen: Soledad O’Brien’s hair is getting bigger and bigger
8:53 PM me: these undecideds beggar disbelief at this point
Citizen: I’m really having issues with the Phillies game right now
me: what up with the game?
Citizen: bottom of the 2nd, phils winning 1-0
8:54 PM me: I would like one of them to just say, “You know, I don’t really pay attention, and don’t expect to, and oh, also, I don’t plan to vote”
8:55 PM Citizen: Yeah but then they wouldn’t have been picked to hold the dial meter
meter
me: oh, they are SUCH media whores
the only time being a bald fat middle-aged nobody from Cow’s Ass Ohio makes them a celebrity
8:56 PM Citizen: HAHA! Figured out how to split the TV screen
me: sweet
Citizen: Got the Phils on the right, debate on the left
noice
me: what is your problem with the Phils?
8:57 PM Citizen: I want them to win and wrap this shit UP tonight
me: ah
8:58 PM Citizen: I’m wondering how this format is going to go over tonight
8:59 PM me: I like this format
me: can’t run away
Citizen: Ugh, I shoulda taken my contacts out
me: Donna Brazille is turning into Billie Holiday right before our eyes
9:00 PM
ok,
here we go
this is the big one
any predictions?
I think if he brings up Ayers it will get REAL ugly
because you know Obama is ready with the counterpunch that will hurt McCain more
9:01 PM than Ayers hurts Obama
Citizen: I think the combination of McCain and Bob Schieffer make Obama look even better
They are so fecking old
me: shoulda had Carson Daly moderate one of these
with just questions from 13 year old girls
Citizen: I’d like to see Kathy Griffin on a debate panel
giving shoutouts to her gays and whatnot
9:02 PM me: David Lee Roth would KILL in this format
me: Barackin the red, white and blue
9:03 PM notice they are sitting just out of reach
bet they measured their arms
so no actual punches would connect
Citizen: They did make body/eye contact there at the beginning
me: good to see you again, Senator That One
9:04 PM Citizen: If McCain tries doing the semi-response into canned answer thing again it’s gonna be bad
me: did he just blame Obama for putting Nancy Reagan in the hospital?
Citizen: haha
tripped an old lady
me: thought for a minute there McCain was gonna blame the minorities for the financial meltdown
Citizen: took the little rubber knob off the bottom of her cane
9:05 PM I LOVE that I am listening to a Republican talk about the federal government buying home mortagages
Buncha PINKOS!
me:
9:06 PMObama’s ears look smaller tonight
you think he had them done?
and if so, i wanna know how many John Mccain Sucks ads that coulda bought!
9:07 PM Citizen: I hear Ben Affleck loaned him his plastic surgeon
me: Ben had work done?
Citizen: Cosmetic surgery = NOT covered
me: what, removing JLO from his hip?
Citizen: haha
9:08 PM me: redistributing wealth
don’t go there, John
most people have nothing
redistributing wealth sounds very good to most people
you hang out with too many rich guys
John Mccain is gonna buy Joe The Plumber’s business?
brilliant strategy
9:09 PM Citizen: Loansharking as an alternate career
John McCain: Shylock
me: ha
John, you have been watching too many of your own ads
it’s why you can’t sleep at night
9:10 PM
Citizen: He’s still waiting for the 3 a.m. phone call from Hillary
Citizen: I wonder if Joe the Plumber had plumber’s crack?
9:11 PM me: gonna fix that crack with a $5,000 tax credit
Citizen: Spreading the wealth around, perhaps, by buying peoples mortgages?
It’s like they’ve given up any pretense of telling the truth
me: I am telling you ‘spreading the wealth around’ is a loser for Mccain
who does that sound bad too?
9:12 PM except for the rich guys we are bailing out?
Citizen: He’s trying to needle Obama to piss him off and try to get him to make a misstep or seem shrill
me: my friend Warren Buffet, nice one Obama
my man Obama is UNSHAKEABLE
9:13 PM Citizen: What he should have said is that people as wealthy as the McCains can afford to pay more taxes
me: yep
lemme email Obama quick
Citizen: Ryan Howard just drove in another run, Phils up 2-0!
9:14 PM me: are those even real people at that GOP Watch Party?
I swear I can see the zippers on the back
Citizen: They borrow them from a Lands End catalog
9:15 PM me: Obama and McCain should have beers for this
I think
maybe pretzels
so that Joe Sixpack can relate, y’know?
9:16 PM Citizen: McCain can’t drink, he’s probably on too much medication
me: he looks like he’s on meth
Citizen: Bad interaction with the Lipitor and Aricept
me: hell, he had all his blood drained and replaced with a Karl Rove transfusion
9:17 PM it’s why his eye twitches
Citizen: Haha, McCain touting New Deal home mortgage bailout
9:18 PM me: oh, man, the vision of Mccain coming at America with a hatchet in one hand and a scalpel in the other
is scaring my cat
Citizen: Are you watching the neon line?
McCain is FINALLY connecting with men
me: all shaky hands, “This won’t hurt a bit.”
Citizen: He could win this debate
9:19 PM me: enough with the pork
don’t bring up the projector
HE DIDN”T
I saw that ‘overhead projector”
it’s fucking amazing
its a state of the art planetarium
but if you teach the kids about the stars, they don’t wanna kill Arabs so much
so, must be scrapped
Citizen: Ooooh
me: good comeback finally on the Bush thing
Citizen: Does this mean Obama gets to say “I’m not Bill Ayers”?
9:22 PM me: if you wanted to run against Bill Ayers, you shoulda done it in 1969
9:24 PM POW
still, he’s so mavericky
That Keating 5 thing was pretty mavericky when you think about it
9:25 PM it was like, FUCK YOU law
I’m a maverick!
Citizen: yeah, screw YOU ethics!
me: uh oh
here is the Ayers opening
will he take it?
9:26 PM Citizen: of course he will, he kind of has to
Obama called him out on it
me: WHOAh, did he just bring up the JFK assassination?
9:27 PM Citizen: Oh PLEASE
me: by the way, I sat in a prison cell in Hanoi for five years
he is pussying out on the Ayers?
PUSSY!
9:28 PM Citizen: This bullshit with asking Obama to repudiate John Lewis is ludicrous
Has McCain not been listening to Palin’s speeches?
Or watching his own commercials?
me: he masturbates to them
9:29 PM you didn’t do townhalls with me, you TERRORIST!
go bama
handling this like a pro
I am tough enough to take it
he is saying, how about you old man?
Citizen: it’s not connecting with the undecideds
9:30 PM me: those people aren’t even registered to vote!
misportray?
Citizen: Attack ads on your health care plan are OK, Sen. McCain
me: gotta look that up
Citizen: Personal attack ads
are not
9:31 PM me: Joe the Plumber, I have a shiny new penny for you!
now fix my pipes, bitch!
you know he is thinking that
ooh
wow he brought up KILL HIM!
9:32 PM POW
Citizen: YES!
me: he just put that out there
big time
Citizen: This is the correct response
me: Obama is showing leadership, this grace under pressure is what will win over the last white holdouts
9:33 PM Citizen: This is good
me: is Mccain blowing his nose
or snarfing up lines of meth
Citizen: Instead of getting pulled into a nitpick on this with McCain, be above it
me: Obama is BEGGING him to bring up Ayers
you know he has a can of whoopass ready to open
omg, Mccain is going with:
9:34 PM ‘how dare you pick on the veterans
that shout KILL HIM
Also, I spent five years in a prison cell in Hanoi’
9:35 PM Citizen: McCain just defended people who yell hate speech at his rallies
me: those people are veterans, you COMMIE!
they earned the right to vent their racism
ooh
9:36 PM he went there
oh lord, ACORN?
is destroying the fabric of our democracy?
I thought Diebold was doing that
go bama
9:37 PM go bama
go bama
he just killed Ayers dead
Citizen: Oh man the RNC has been hammering ACORN all week
me: such a sham
9:38 PM they are just trying to scare up a strawman to blame the election loss on
that is all part of their strategy
Citizen: this is going nowhere
9:39 PM McCain’s sitting there grinning like goober
me: bring up G. Gordon Liddy!
NOW
9:40 PM bring up the head of Mccain transition team that was a lobbyist for Saddam Hussein!
Citizen: OOOooooohhhh the Palin question
9:42 PM Perfect answer on Biden
me: yeah, I’d vote for him
Citizen: A ROLE MODEL TO WOMEN
9:43 PM I just threw up my internal organs
me: she is so mavericky!
brushing freth air!
somebody just spiked his IV
9:44 PM Citizen: McCain pimping Palin’s kids?
tacky
me: she is SO fertile!
the most fertile VP we ever had!
say she is ‘likeable enough’, Obama
9:45 PM no matter what happens, Mccain should have a kid with Palin
before this is over
like, a momento
Citizen: It’s goddamn creepy
If Mcccain can’t bring himself to say Biden is qualified to be president, that’s just gross
me: low road
I love Joe, but he sucks
9:46 PM
did Mccain just do another line?
9:47 PM damn he is fast
camera didn’t even catch it
gotta admire his form
even if I don’t approve of his drug abuse
Citizen: he’s been taking lessons with Amy Winehouse
me: especially at his age
9:48 PM love the way he reels off those alt energy sources like a medicine show huckster
9:50 PM Obama doesn’t say it as snappy
I bet he’s a lousy rapper
Citizen: Sorry, I had to make some microwave popcorn
me: which white America will be happy to learn
what up with the Phils?
Citizen: I’m leaving a trail to find my way back out of the forest of lies
me: ha
9:51 PM Citizen: Up 3-0 top of the 5th
me: I tied a rope around my waste
waist
and threw a few tennis balls thu first
Citizen: NO!
He did not just compliment the black dude’s eloquence!
9:52 PM Phillies just scored again!
9:53 PM me: Mccain just did another bump
9:54 PM dude is a FIEND
look how happy he looks after he gets his fix
Citizen: McCain eyerolls?
me: it’s sad, really
the man is on a lot of drugs, eyerolls are a side effect
plus he spent five years in a prison cell in Hanoi
9:55 PM Citizen: Can’t move his arms
I need a column idea for this week
9:57 PM me: so only a half hour left
in Mccain’s last stand
9:58 PM he threw Ayers out there and it was a dud
that was all he had
Citizen: He’s doing well
me: that and ‘redistribute wealth’
Mccain?
Citizen: But I don’t think it will be enough
Yeah, McCain
he’s gonna fake-win this debate
me: won’t help
he had to destroy Obama
and he didn’t do it
Citizen: Phils up 5-0!
9:59 PM me: sweet
you GOTTA believe
10:00 PM Senator McCain, health insurance costs an average family $12,000 a year
Citizen: Joe the Plumber is at your house schtupping your daughter
me: what are they gonna do with a $5,000 tax credit?
Joe the Plumber is voting Obama
10:01 PM Joe the Plumber is actually under my sink right now!
I can see his ass crack
it is a MIGHTY crack!
Citizen: Slap some spackle on that
10:02 PM Has there been any discussion of education whatsoever in any of these debates?
Crime?
Urban issues?
10:03 PM AIDS?
me: that is all very unpleasant and possibly black
they make the lines go down
Citizen: Seriously
me: Joe just Whoo-Hooed over the ‘He’s rich’ thing
10:04 PM McCain should just offer Joe The Plumber a cool million out of pocket
seriously he would win the election
McCain is worth $40 million on his own
10:05 PM Insurance costs $5,800 and Mccain is gonna give you $5,000, and where does the other $800 come from?
selling dime bags to suburban dad-rockers?
Citizen: He just called him Senator Government
me: better than Senator That One
Mccain just did ANOTHER line
10:06 PM you hear that
I think I can see a little white powder on his nose
10:08 PM Mccain is choking on his own abortion issue
his base WANTS him to apply a litmus test
10:09 PM Citizen: He just said it, though he’ll deny it later
That he would consider a Supreme Court justice who supports abortion rights
10:10 PM No need for Obama to be spooling out his entire abortion stance right tnow
10:13 PM me: Senator Obama performed over 119 abortions on the floor of the Illinois state house!
Citizen: All miscengated babies from single teenaged mothers
10:15 PM me: cavalier activity
that is gonna be my new word for it
me: ‘hey baby, in the mood for a little cavalier activity’
worrying about the health of the mother is the extreme position?
10:16 PM Citizen: right
me: these little tarts not only neeed to have their baby, but they are gonna adopt one from Africa, too!
that is my plan on abortion, I’m John McCain and I approve this forced pregnancy
10:17 PM Citizen: finally a question on education
me: edumacation
Citizen: aaaaand that’s all the time we have, folks!
me: I am for it, and my opponent is against it
he should bring up that ‘overhead projector’ and explain the importance of investing in the infrastructure of education
10:18 PM
10:19 PM
school choice
ugh
New Orleans and New York
oh, yeah, most parents DREAM of sending their kids to school there!
Citizen: Down with charter schools!
10:20 PM me: ‘if only we could get you into a nice shithole in the Bronx honey’
student loan situation in this country is appalling
YES
10:21 PM superfund them
investing in the education of your people his how great nations become great and STAY that way
Citizen: it’s crippling an entire generation of people
10:23 PM BIG play just now by Pat Burrell
me: college students are a special interest group with NO lobbyists, so they pay thru the nose
10:24 PM Obama’s eyes are glazing over
Mccain is flatlining
sinking
sinking
I think the people with the dials are drunk
10:25 PM or got into Mccain’s stash
Citizen: He’s done well tonight but I don’t think it’s going to give him a big bounce
me: Obama is just like, ‘cant we just vote tomorrow?’
I am all for moving it up
how about you?
Citizen: It’s really gross the way he keeps pimping Sarah Palin’s kid
me: let’s just say it already happened and Obama won
Citizen: Autism and Down Syndrome are NOTHING alike
10:26 PM me: hmm?
Citizen: Moving up the vote? Nah
I say start the campaigns later and put a time limit on them like they do in Britain
Two months
all you can eat
None of this 19 month long campaign ish
me: I think the Democrats should be allowed to move up the elections when they are winning and move them back when they are losing
10:27 PM Mccain just did a ‘I gotcha!’
He sounded like Jimmy Durante
they should arm wrestle
and the winner takes the West Wing
Citizen: in boxer briefs
me: lordy
Citizen: Ok, just McCain
I bet he wears socks with garters
10:28 PM me: for sure
cock ring, too
or so I hear
Citizen: anal beads?
eww
10:29 PM the great honor of my LONG life
me: he keeps anal beads in three of his seven houses
Citizen: my long, long, LONG life
haha
only the houses with good looking housekeepers
me: in the ‘goodie’ drawer
10:30 PM good closer
Obama
go bama
go bama
go bama
Citizen: Yeah it’s good that he’s the last word
me: he looks tired
you can see the weight of it all on him
10:31 PM Citizen: Hell it’s only been 19 months!
me: good line: Go vote now it will make you feel big and strong
thank you Bob Shieffer
McCain just chased down Shieffer
Citizen: Amen, Mama Schieffer!
10:32 PM me: while Obama waited for him to come to him
so presidential already
Citizen: I’m getting tired of Michelle obmaa and the sheath dresses
me: she can field dress my moose
hiOOOOOOOOOOO
10:33 PM Hillary is joining live
wonder who she thought won
probably Hillary won somehow
Citizen: I”m totally switching back to the Phillies
me: roger
we are a wrap
good work, kid
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