NEWS CLUES: Like An Internet Sex Tape Of The Truth

HATERADE: Michael Cera Backlash Begins Pointless Quest For Consensusmichael_cera.jpgApparently no one is immune to the backlash that success brings. Not even Michael Cera! America’s ubiquitous and awkward sweetheart appears to be on the precipice of the inevitable take down. Mr. Cera, who stars in this Friday’s Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist, was profiled in the New York Times on Sunday, prompting prickly Hollywood Elsewhere blogger Jeffrey Wells to state that Mr. Cera is “on the brink” and “two or three steps from being over.” We can’t say we expect mannered reasoning from Mr. Wells, who is prone to over-reactions and brash proclamations that (to him at least) are always inarguable, but come on! Who doesn’t love Michael Cera? Boys, girls, men, women, household pets — this guy is a four quadrant stud who, while only 20, has already starred in two huge and unexpected box office successes and a cult television show. True, his part in Nick and Nora, playing the sensitive geek who tries to get his unrequited love, is well-worn territory for the actor, we actually think it’s a big next step. After all, for the first time in his career Mr. Cera is being asked to carry the financial success of a film on his name alone. And while we agree in principle with his former Arrested Development dad Jason Bateman, who says that “at some point the audience might want something different,” we’re certainly not at that point yet.[via NEW YORK OBSERVER]

YARRRRRRRR: Somalis Take TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY Very Seriously

pirate_by_mo013_741289.jpgNAIROBI, Kenya — The Somali pirates who hijacked a Ukrainian freighter loaded with tanks, artillery, grenade launchers and ammunition said in an interview on Tuesday that they had no idea the ship was carrying arms when they seized it on the high seas. “We just saw a big ship,” the pirates’ spokesman, Sugule Ali, said in a telephone interview. “So we stopped it.” The pirates quickly learned, though, that their booty was an estimated $30 million worth of heavy weaponry, heading for Kenya or Sudan, depending on whom you ask. In a 45-minute interview, Mr. Sugule spoke on everything from what the pirates wanted (“just money”) to why they were doing this (“to stop illegal fishing and dumping in our waters”) to what they had to eat on board (rice, meat, bread, spaghetti, “you know, normal human-being food”). He said that so far, in the eyes of the world, the pirates had been misunderstood. “We don’t consider ourselves sea bandits,” he said. “We consider sea bandits those who illegally fish in our seas and dump waste in our seas and carry weapons in our seas. We are simply patrolling our seas. Think of us like a coast guard.” [via NEW YORK TIMES]

HELLO CRISCO: Britney Spears Sex Tape Not Just A Cruel Internet Hoax Anymore

britneyanimation.gifWhat would be the most important thing to ever appear on the Internet? Given that the Webs are solely a vehicle for masturbation to blurry and grainy videos of unimaginative subjects—and with four to five celebrity sex tapes being offered to the market each week!—the answer can only be: two hours of Britney Spears having sex in Mexico in a pink wig! Paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, the lucky lensman whose fortuitous proximity to Spears during her highly public mental breakdown allowed him to take full advantage of the damaged diva’s total unmooring, says that he is now taking bids on on just such a sex tape. He has it—and soon you will too. [via RADAR]

JACK WHITE & ALICIA KEYS: Theme From Quantum Silence

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