ELEPHANT GUN: John McCain’s House Of Pain


Our completely unfair and totally biased analysts tonight will be Amy Z. Quinn, aka Citizen Mom, recently converted Obama supporter/longtime Hillarycrat dead-ender, and Jonathan Valania, aka ME, who was right about Obama, and most other things, all along. We join the fourth night of the RNC in Minneapolis with Cindy McCain about to take the stage…

9:40 PM

 me: omg

  shoulda seen the Cindy McCain movie

  she beat back genocide

9:41 PM with just a single adoption and a few strategically placed cases of Anheuser Busch products

 Citizen: Hey, that beer money’s paying the bills, she can be the Queen of Prussia if she wants

 me: somebody should vet that video

 Citizen: Seriously she’s like Teresa Heinz without the accent

 me: seriously it was Cindy Superhero

9:42 PM 

 me: like, where would we be without her adopting one poor little Third World baby

  that was all it took it turns out

  to restore the world to peace

 Citizen: Angelina got that from her, you know

  I will say this: I think these two do love each other and I ain’t mad at a trophy wife

9:43 PM 

 me: good lord

  she is a dye job in a Chanel suit

  on her daddies booze money

  I am not impressed

9:44 PM christ and how much Botox

I don’t believe they do love each other

 Citizen: This speech is like death

 me: I think they operate in totally separate orbits

 Citizen: slow, merciless death

9:45 PM me: Palin in the house

Citizen: Oh look, Palin’s got the prom hair working today since Cindy’s hair is down

 me: Honey, your head is full

  turn off the pump

9:46 PM Citizen: Teresa Heinz without the accent?


 me: gawd, bitch of privilege

  give the bourgeois a bad name

  her experience in life means NOTHING

  to the average American

  stop insulting us by insisting otherwise

9:48 PM Citizen: Are you kidding, I think Cindy’s suit probably cost enough to buy uniforms for 10 youth hockey teams

 me: they are bragging about sending their son to die for a lie

  Die for a lie

  that is is NOT family values

  that is craven politics

Citizen: I wonder if those NAVY and USMC pins are real diamonds or Swarovski

  Coulda bought a bunch of body armor with that

 me: every word out of Cindy McCain’s mouth is like a turd falling in my drink

  thank you Bill Hicks!

9:50 PM had a few margaritas


 Citizen: Angelina Jolie without the hottie life partner

9:51 PM Seriously her hair looks awful

  So bleached it’s like straw. If Rachel Zoe styled the First LAdy

 me: the damned get the hair they deserve, not the hair they want

9:52 PM Citizen: Blowout of the DAmned

 me: hey look

  a negro

  and he aint’ sellin hotdogs

 Citizen: hey, that’s a Rwandan genocide survivor

  No snarking

  Wait, are we supposed to call it a genocide or not? Somebody get Colin Powell on the phone

9:53 PM me: I am not affording any of this mockery ANY respect

  these people are dicks

  liars, cheats, snakes, cunts, dicks

 Citizen: This speech is WAY over the top and too long

  stop with the C-word

 me: with blood on their hands

 Citizen: it burns my Catholic ears

 Citizen: I don’t want this in the official transcript for my fucking mother in law to read, bitch

9:55 PM 

9:56 PM me: my gawd, you would have to be on drugs to read that script without breaking out laughing

  I mean really

9:57 PM Citizen: I get the feeling the point of it was to remind everybody who the FIRST hottie on the ticket was

 me: how far can you stretch the American people’s willing suspension of disbelief?

  she don’t look as hawt with her hair down

 Citizen: You’re familiar with the last 8 years, I assume?

 me: yep

  heard about that

9:58 PM damn Democrats and the celebrities have made a mess of things

  time for real change

  from the guy who’s been in DC for 30 years

 Citizen: Careful, JoeBama’s been in DC as long

 me: oh I know

9:59 PM but we got him on board because John McCain said we needed him

  so no whining

 me: I think the Stones used that stage in 2004

10:01 PM man, I hope they do Wild Horses

  I LOVE that song

 Citizen: It’s got a long runway, so he can drive his Jazzy back and forth while he talks

 me: he’s gonna ride out on the back of an ass

  and they will lay down palm leaves


  Hosanna, Hey sanna

  sanna sann Ho

10:02 PM 

  Wait, I think I hear the crowd chanting

  sounds like:



10:03 PM Citizen: NO, didn’t you hear HockeyMom last night, Barry parted the waters

 me: sure did

  he’s the REAL Messiah

10:04 PM wait, John McCain was a POW?

  are you SHITTING me?

  and they just bring this up NOW?

 Citizen: “some call him nuttier than a bowl of Tin Roof Sundae”

 me: angrier than the bunion on my big toe

  after kicking four field goals

  in the Superbowl

10:06 PM Citizen: barefoot

  like that dude from the Eagles earlier


10:08 PM Citizen: How long is this video? I think Sarah Palin just had another baby

  named “Lint”

 me: naw, but another daughter is knocked up

 Citizen: it’s Norse for “Lint”

 me: abstinence only, you know

10:09 PM ha

  did they just skip the Keating Five thing?

  oh yes they did

 Citizen: John McCain abhors waste…like staying married to an old, ugly, sick woman

  That would have been a waste, I guess

10:10 PM me: she got too big to cuddle

 me: pregant pause

 Citizen: haha

10:13 PM unmarried, pregnant pause

 me: is McCain gonna moonwalk out?

 Citizen: Hey, he looks good

 me: that would be awesome

10:14 PM will say this, the GOP knows how to clap desperately

  long and hard

  and without government help

 Citizen: Only because people were sticking up for the bebehz

 me: great clappers

 Citizen: Clap on, Clap off me: if only

10:15 PM an investment of 19.99 could make all this go away

 Citizen: Did he rise up out of the floor like Beyonce?

 me: crashed his plane into the stage, right?

 Citizen: He’s like “stop clapping already, my prostate is the size of a basketball and I’m gonna have to pee before long!”

 me: ha

  good one

 Citizen: Look at that green background

  Is that so they can put battle scenes behind him

10:16 PM me: what the fuck is that? Citizen: oh it’s the lawn

 me: what is that behind him Hotel California?

  you can check out anytime you like

  but you can never leave

 Citizen: OOOH CNN camera briefly shows protester w/YOU CAN’T WIN AN OCCUPATION SIGN

 me: these RNC guys are very pro-America, it seems

 Citizen: then cuts away fast

 me: missed it



  how did these guys get inside?

  Citizen: How long until Blackwater makes this protester disappear?


  the threat will be neutralized

  not to worry

  dude is probably already sucking a glock


10:20 PM Citizen: Give it up for Miz Roberta

  I’ll Always Love My Mama

 me: she’s pretty hot

  all those RNC trophy wives are

10:21 PM gracious


 Citizen: “you have my respect and my admiration” despite the mockery my running mate handed out last night

 Citizen: fucking hypocrites

 me: oh, I bet he hated all that

10:22 PM NOT

  this stage thing is self-defeating

  because he is only getting the bottom of that big screen behind him in the TV shot

  and it ‘s just flat primary colors

  green or blue

  not good theater

10:23 PM 


 Citizen: OOH! angry lesbian protestor!

 me: he looks like Golem

 Citizen: OK maybe she’s not a lesbian

  another one!

 me: Code Pink lady IN THE HOUSE

 Citizen: and they’re wearing matching outfits

10:24 PM me: that fucking spooks that whole room

  don’t kid yourself

  those protesters

  they act like it don’t, that’s why they clap so loud

  but that shit didn’t go on at the DNC

10:25 PM Citizen: Did he REALLY just say Americans are tired of us yelling at each other?

 Citizen: Did he hear his running mate’s speech?

  How could he NOT hear it

 me: he is 72

 Citizen: oh right

 me: he doesn’t hear EVERYTHING


 Citizen: those batteries don’t last forever

 me: ha

10:26 PM I think there is already less excitement in the room

  than last night

  and that was just a clapping contest

 Citizen: There’s this weird scary vibe that they’re all under attack from the Angry Left

 me: oh, they are baby

  they are

  and we are VERY angry

10:27 PM 

 Citizen: OMG look at the faces of thos eSEcret SErvice guys


10:28 PM missed it




  hand over heart

  sieg heil?

 Citizen: This speech is really bad

 me: yeah, flat tire

 Citizen: I mean, seriously

10:29 PM me: John McCain has gotta flat tire

 Citizen: He looks distracted and concerned

 me: and its called his acceptance speech

  those ladies in pink are EVERYWHERE

10:30 PM Obama coming to Wilkes Barre tomorrow

  how may voters are there up there?

10:31 PM Citizen: a lot

 me: Jesus, it’s like 20,000 yutzes with elastic waistbands

 Citizen: the Bidens are going to be in Philly tomorrow mornign



 me: I would rather take out a loan

  against my wife’s money

10:32 PM than lose this election to a jerk

  like Mitt Romney

  was just translating that for you

10:33 PM me: What does that mean?

  it matters less that you can fight?










 Citizen: Remember, only John McCain has actually fought for this country

10:34 PM Unlike Bush and Cheney

 me: somebody oughta track these people for the rest of their lives and make damn sure John McCain is fighting for them

  seriously he just fucking adopted these people

  they better prosper

  for life


10:35 PM it is the least you could do

 Citizen: You break it, you bought it

  That goes for lives

  Uh oh, McCain admitting faults with the Republicans…cue the crickets

 me: yeah really

  they like


  make it stop

10:36 PM truuuuuuuuuuuuuuth

  oh whatta world

  gawd I would love for Rage Against the Machine to bumrush the stage right about now



10:37 PM I became eligible for Medicare during this speech

 me: We are all Americans? even the illegal aliens?

  I thought we were all Georgians

  this is so confusing

  I am happy with my culture of death, thank you

10:38 PM 

 Citizen: Is there any actual policy coming in this speech or just the Republican charticle items?

 me: winning exactly NO undecideds tonight

  they have no plans

  no ideas

 Citizen: Government that doesn’t make choices for you, unless you’re pregnant

 me: except cut taxes and raise war

10:39 PM this is so third grade

  with the boos


  he is doing himself NO FAVORS with this


 Citizen: This is like a scene out of O Brother, Where Art Thou

  Everybody’s lookin’ for answers

 me: that is all he has to offer is boos to Obamas hallelujahs

10:40 PM cutting govt waste

  I love it

  like that is the answer to all of our problems

  he’s like homer with beer

  the cause and solution all life’s problems

10:41 PM Citizen: Duff = government

  You don’t really feel like you’ve got your money’s worth unti you’ve had too much

 me: we can start with getting back the 800 bazillion we blew in Eye Rack

  that would help

10:42 PM yawn

10:43 PM man, is it just me or does everyone in the crowd look like they are on meth?

10:44 PM Citizen: No, Cialis

  And Boniva

 me: man, same old same old

  school unions, trial lawyers, blah blah blah

10:45 PM that’s good, fuck you world

  that is my vision

  Fortress America

  roll up the drawbridge

  we’ll drill our own goddamn oil

  why do they not level with the American people

  and point out

  that global investment in America is what makes our economy so big

  it’s seriously like 50%

10:46 PM already people are like

    American is too stupid to be invested in

  China, India, that’s the future


  this is what he should be talking about

10:47 PM not this stupid John Wayne shit

 Citizen: “this great national cause”

  oh come ON

 me: stop mocking Obama for going out and addressing the rest of planet Earth and join him, goddamnit

  still just simpleton ‘Be Afraid of Muslims’ shit

10:48 PM good lord

  shame on John McCain

  what is this 2003?

 Citizen: Are you surprised? He’s taken the GOP pledges at every turn, “maverick” be damned

 me: wait, was he talking about Russia or America

  with the invading a sovereign country for oil

  just now?

10:49 PM Citizen: I lost track about 3 rambling monotones ago

 me: a maverick would have stopped sucking off the baboon choir of the GOP fringe a LONG time ago

  let the record show

10:50 PM he was scolding Russia for invading Georgia


and it sounded an awful lot like us invading Iraq

10:51 PM Citizen: He hates war, you know

  And sun-dried tomatoes

  He just simply can’t abide them

 me: muddled what should have been the redline of his speech

10:52 PM man, we coulda used a guy like him 2000

  too bad we have moved on after 8 years

10:53 PM and we need new men, for new times

 Citizen: new GIRLS you mean

  hockey moms!

  with hunting licenses!

 me: Palin has serious girl germs

  right wing cooties and shit

10:54 PM Citizen: Oh we’re comparing scars?

  I had a C-section, asshole

 me: this is no time to be taking credit? good lord, has he not been taking credit for singlehandedly winning Iraq

  from the well of the Senate

  for the last six months?


  it’s ON tape

10:55 PM who is the fat guy?

  did he just eat those protesters?

 Citizen: The guy who eats all of Cindy’s food

 me: royal eater?

 Citizen: right

10:56 PM Official Carbo-Loader of McCain-Palin ’08!

 me: man

  after all they said about the POW stuff ALREADY

  he should leave it

  to others to say

10:57 PM Citizen: right

  You don’t do your OWN testimonial

 me: this is ALL they have


 me: is his story

 Citizen: Noun, verb, Hanoi Hilton

 me: srsly

  that ain’t gonna fix gas prices

10:58 PM now he is playing the sympathy card

 Citizen: yep

 me: man

  he is supposed to be bigger than this

10:59 PM Citizen: Seriously I admire John McCain for all of this

  but are we about to hear the story about them sewing the American flag out of rags again?

  PATCHES! The family’s countin’ on you

 me: seriously back to Passion of the Christ

  enough with the S&M


11:01 PM me: Vietnam was ALL FOR NAUGHT

 me: your country sent you into a stupid war

  just like you have done to the men who came after you

  and people got killed

  and abused

  and maimed

  and what do we have to show for ANY of it

11:02 PM THESE are the lessons he should have learned

  and should be preaching now

  instead of this stupid John Wayne shit

11:04 PM Citizen: Stand up and fight!

Citizen: Use your canes and walkers if necessary!

 me: that is it? End of speech?


Citizen: Complete FAIL

  me: election over

  we win, God Bless America!

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