Our completely unfair and totally biased analysts tonight will be Amy Z. Quinn, aka Citizen Mom, recently converted Obama supporter/longtime Hillarycrat dead-ender, and Jonathan Valania, aka ME, who was right about Obama, and most other things, all along. We join the fourth night of the RNC in Minneapolis with Cindy McCain about to take the stage…
9:40 PM
me: omg
shoulda seen the Cindy McCain movie
she beat back genocide
9:41 PM with just a single adoption and a few strategically placed cases of Anheuser Busch products
Citizen: Hey, that beer money’s paying the bills, she can be the Queen of Prussia if she wants
me: somebody should vet that video
Citizen: Seriously she’s like Teresa Heinz without the accent
me: seriously it was Cindy Superhero
9:42 PM
me: like, where would we be without her adopting one poor little Third World baby
that was all it took it turns out
to restore the world to peace
Citizen: Angelina got that from her, you know
I will say this: I think these two do love each other and I ain’t mad at a trophy wife
9:43 PM
me: good lord
she is a dye job in a Chanel suit
on her daddies booze money
I am not impressed
9:44 PM christ and how much Botox
I don’t believe they do love each other
Citizen: This speech is like death
me: I think they operate in totally separate orbits
Citizen: slow, merciless death
9:45 PM me: Palin in the house
Citizen: Oh look, Palin’s got the prom hair working today since Cindy’s hair is down
me: Honey, your head is full
turn off the pump
9:46 PM Citizen: Teresa Heinz without the accent?
sayin’
me: gawd, bitch of privilege
give the bourgeois a bad name
her experience in life means NOTHING
to the average American
stop insulting us by insisting otherwise
9:48 PM Citizen: Are you kidding, I think Cindy’s suit probably cost enough to buy uniforms for 10 youth hockey teams
me: they are bragging about sending their son to die for a lie
Die for a lie
that is is NOT family values
that is craven politics
Citizen: I wonder if those NAVY and USMC pins are real diamonds or Swarovski
Coulda bought a bunch of body armor with that
me: every word out of Cindy McCain’s mouth is like a turd falling in my drink
thank you Bill Hicks!
9:50 PM had a few margaritas
FYI
Citizen: Angelina Jolie without the hottie life partner
9:51 PM Seriously her hair looks awful
So bleached it’s like straw. If Rachel Zoe styled the First LAdy
me: the damned get the hair they deserve, not the hair they want
9:52 PM Citizen: Blowout of the DAmned
me: hey look
a negro
and he aint’ sellin hotdogs
Citizen: hey, that’s a Rwandan genocide survivor
No snarking
Wait, are we supposed to call it a genocide or not? Somebody get Colin Powell on the phone
9:53 PM me: I am not affording any of this mockery ANY respect
these people are dicks
liars, cheats, snakes, cunts, dicks
Citizen: This speech is WAY over the top and too long
stop with the C-word
me: with blood on their hands
Citizen: it burns my Catholic ears
Citizen: I don’t want this in the official transcript for my fucking mother in law to read, bitch
9:55 PM
9:56 PM me: my gawd, you would have to be on drugs to read that script without breaking out laughing
I mean really
9:57 PM Citizen: I get the feeling the point of it was to remind everybody who the FIRST hottie on the ticket was
me: how far can you stretch the American people’s willing suspension of disbelief?
she don’t look as hawt with her hair down
Citizen: You’re familiar with the last 8 years, I assume?
me: yep
heard about that
9:58 PM damn Democrats and the celebrities have made a mess of things
time for real change
from the guy who’s been in DC for 30 years
Citizen: Careful, JoeBama’s been in DC as long
me: oh I know
9:59 PM but we got him on board because John McCain said we needed him
so no whining
me: I think the Stones used that stage in 2004
10:01 PM man, I hope they do Wild Horses
I LOVE that song
Citizen: It’s got a long runway, so he can drive his Jazzy back and forth while he talks
me: he’s gonna ride out on the back of an ass
and they will lay down palm leaves
singing
Hosanna, Hey sanna
sanna sann Ho
10:02 PM
Wait, I think I hear the crowd chanting
sounds like:
FOUR MORE WARS
FOUR MORE WARS
10:03 PM Citizen: NO, didn’t you hear HockeyMom last night, Barry parted the waters
me: sure did
he’s the REAL Messiah
10:04 PM wait, John McCain was a POW?
are you SHITTING me?
and they just bring this up NOW?
Citizen: “some call him nuttier than a bowl of Tin Roof Sundae”
me: angrier than the bunion on my big toe
after kicking four field goals
in the Superbowl
10:06 PM Citizen: barefoot
like that dude from the Eagles earlier
10:08 PM Citizen: How long is this video? I think Sarah Palin just had another baby
named “Lint”
me: naw, but another daughter is knocked up
Citizen: it’s Norse for “Lint”
me: abstinence only, you know
10:09 PM ha
did they just skip the Keating Five thing?
oh yes they did
Citizen: John McCain abhors waste…like staying married to an old, ugly, sick woman
That would have been a waste, I guess
10:10 PM me: she got too big to cuddle
me: pregant pause
Citizen: haha
10:13 PM unmarried, pregnant pause
me: is McCain gonna moonwalk out?
Citizen: Hey, he looks good
me: that would be awesome
10:14 PM will say this, the GOP knows how to clap desperately
long and hard
and without government help
Citizen: Only because people were sticking up for the bebehz
me: great clappers
Citizen: Clap on, Clap off me: if only
10:15 PM an investment of 19.99 could make all this go away
Citizen: Did he rise up out of the floor like Beyonce?
me: crashed his plane into the stage, right?
Citizen: He’s like “stop clapping already, my prostate is the size of a basketball and I’m gonna have to pee before long!”
me: ha
good one
Citizen: Look at that green background
Is that so they can put battle scenes behind him
10:16 PM me: what the fuck is that? Citizen: oh it’s the lawn
me: what is that behind him Hotel California?
you can check out anytime you like
but you can never leave
Citizen: OOOH CNN camera briefly shows protester w/YOU CAN’T WIN AN OCCUPATION SIGN
me: these RNC guys are very pro-America, it seems
Citizen: then cuts away fast
me: missed it
ah
MCCAIN VOTES AGAINST VETS sign10:17 PM OUCH babe
how did these guys get inside?
Citizen: How long until Blackwater makes this protester disappear?
me:
the threat will be neutralized
not to worry
dude is probably already sucking a glock
1
10:20 PM Citizen: Give it up for Miz Roberta
I’ll Always Love My Mama
me: she’s pretty hot
all those RNC trophy wives are
10:21 PM gracious
moment
Citizen: “you have my respect and my admiration” despite the mockery my running mate handed out last night
Citizen: fucking hypocrites
me: oh, I bet he hated all that
10:22 PM NOT
this stage thing is self-defeating
because he is only getting the bottom of that big screen behind him in the TV shot
and it ‘s just flat primary colors
green or blue
not good theater
10:23 PM
Citizen: OOH! angry lesbian protestor!
me: he looks like Golem
Citizen: OK maybe she’s not a lesbian
another one!
me: Code Pink lady IN THE HOUSE
Citizen: and they’re wearing matching outfits
10:24 PM me: that fucking spooks that whole room
don’t kid yourself
those protesters
they act like it don’t, that’s why they clap so loud
but that shit didn’t go on at the DNC
10:25 PM Citizen: Did he REALLY just say Americans are tired of us yelling at each other?
Citizen: Did he hear his running mate’s speech?
How could he NOT hear it
me: he is 72
Citizen: oh right
me: he doesn’t hear EVERYTHING
c’mon
Citizen: those batteries don’t last forever
me: ha
10:26 PM I think there is already less excitement in the room
than last night
and that was just a clapping contest
Citizen: There’s this weird scary vibe that they’re all under attack from the Angry Left
me: oh, they are baby
they are
and we are VERY angry
10:27 PM
Citizen: OMG look at the faces of thos eSEcret SErvice guys
me:
10:28 PM missed it
what
fawning?
tears
hand over heart
sieg heil?
Citizen: This speech is really bad
me: yeah, flat tire
Citizen: I mean, seriously
10:29 PM me: John McCain has gotta flat tire
Citizen: He looks distracted and concerned
me: and its called his acceptance speech
those ladies in pink are EVERYWHERE
10:30 PM Obama coming to Wilkes Barre tomorrow
how may voters are there up there?
10:31 PM Citizen: a lot
me: Jesus, it’s like 20,000 yutzes with elastic waistbands
Citizen: the Bidens are going to be in Philly tomorrow mornign
early
ha
me: I would rather take out a loan
against my wife’s money
10:32 PM than lose this election to a jerk
like Mitt Romney
was just translating that for you
10:33 PM me: What does that mean?
it matters less that you can fight?
fight
fight
fight
punch
kick
bomb
shoot
kill
ahem
Citizen: Remember, only John McCain has actually fought for this country
10:34 PM Unlike Bush and Cheney
me: somebody oughta track these people for the rest of their lives and make damn sure John McCain is fighting for them
seriously he just fucking adopted these people
they better prosper
for life
motherfucker
10:35 PM it is the least you could do
Citizen: You break it, you bought it
That goes for lives
Uh oh, McCain admitting faults with the Republicans…cue the crickets
me: yeah really
they like
it BURNS MY EARS
make it stop
10:36 PM truuuuuuuuuuuuuuth
oh whatta world
gawd I would love for Rage Against the Machine to bumrush the stage right about now
bOOOOOOOOOOOOOring
Citizen:
10:37 PM I became eligible for Medicare during this speech
me: We are all Americans? even the illegal aliens?
I thought we were all Georgians
this is so confusing
I am happy with my culture of death, thank you
10:38 PM
Citizen: Is there any actual policy coming in this speech or just the Republican charticle items?
me: winning exactly NO undecideds tonight
they have no plans
no ideas
Citizen: Government that doesn’t make choices for you, unless you’re pregnant
me: except cut taxes and raise war
10:39 PM this is so third grade
with the boos
seriously
he is doing himself NO FAVORS with this
speech
Citizen: This is like a scene out of O Brother, Where Art Thou
Everybody’s lookin’ for answers
me: that is all he has to offer is boos to Obamas hallelujahs
10:40 PM cutting govt waste
I love it
like that is the answer to all of our problems
he’s like homer with beer
the cause and solution all life’s problems
10:41 PM Citizen: Duff = government
You don’t really feel like you’ve got your money’s worth unti you’ve had too much
me: we can start with getting back the 800 bazillion we blew in Eye Rack
that would help
10:42 PM yawn
10:43 PM man, is it just me or does everyone in the crowd look like they are on meth?
10:44 PM Citizen: No, Cialis
And Boniva
me: man, same old same old
school unions, trial lawyers, blah blah blah
10:45 PM that’s good, fuck you world
that is my vision
Fortress America
roll up the drawbridge
we’ll drill our own goddamn oil
why do they not level with the American people
and point out
that global investment in America is what makes our economy so big
it’s seriously like 50%
10:46 PM already people are like
American is too stupid to be invested in
China, India, that’s the future
seriously
this is what he should be talking about
10:47 PM not this stupid John Wayne shit
Citizen: “this great national cause”
oh come ON
me: stop mocking Obama for going out and addressing the rest of planet Earth and join him, goddamnit
still just simpleton ‘Be Afraid of Muslims’ shit
10:48 PM good lord
shame on John McCain
what is this 2003?
Citizen: Are you surprised? He’s taken the GOP pledges at every turn, “maverick” be damned
me: wait, was he talking about Russia or America
with the invading a sovereign country for oil
just now?
10:49 PM Citizen: I lost track about 3 rambling monotones ago
me: a maverick would have stopped sucking off the baboon choir of the GOP fringe a LONG time ago
let the record show
10:50 PM he was scolding Russia for invading Georgia
and it sounded an awful lot like us invading Iraq
10:51 PM Citizen: He hates war, you know
And sun-dried tomatoes
He just simply can’t abide them
me: muddled what should have been the redline of his speech
10:52 PM man, we coulda used a guy like him 2000
too bad we have moved on after 8 years
10:53 PM and we need new men, for new times
Citizen: new GIRLS you mean
hockey moms!
with hunting licenses!
me: Palin has serious girl germs
right wing cooties and shit
10:54 PM Citizen: Oh we’re comparing scars?
I had a C-section, asshole
me: this is no time to be taking credit? good lord, has he not been taking credit for singlehandedly winning Iraq
from the well of the Senate
for the last six months?
Christ
it’s ON tape
10:55 PM who is the fat guy?
did he just eat those protesters?
Citizen: The guy who eats all of Cindy’s food
me: royal eater?
Citizen: right
10:56 PM Official Carbo-Loader of McCain-Palin ’08!
me: man
after all they said about the POW stuff ALREADY
he should leave it
to others to say
10:57 PM Citizen: right
You don’t do your OWN testimonial
me: this is ALL they have
me: is his story
Citizen: Noun, verb, Hanoi Hilton
me: srsly
that ain’t gonna fix gas prices
10:58 PM now he is playing the sympathy card
Citizen: yep
me: man
he is supposed to be bigger than this
10:59 PM Citizen: Seriously I admire John McCain for all of this
but are we about to hear the story about them sewing the American flag out of rags again?
PATCHES! The family’s countin’ on you
me: seriously back to Passion of the Christ
enough with the S&M
11:01 PM me: Vietnam was ALL FOR NAUGHT
me: your country sent you into a stupid war
just like you have done to the men who came after you
and people got killed
and abused
and maimed
and what do we have to show for ANY of it
11:02 PM THESE are the lessons he should have learned
and should be preaching now
instead of this stupid John Wayne shit
11:04 PM Citizen: Stand up and fight!
Citizen: Use your canes and walkers if necessary!
me: that is it? End of speech?
FAIL
Citizen: Complete FAIL
me: election over
we win, God Bless America!