Our completely unfair and totally biased analysts tonight will be Amy Z. Quinn, aka Citizen Mom, recently converted Obama supporter/longtime Hillarycrat dead-ender, and Jonathan Valania, aka ME, who was right about Obama, and most other things, all along. We join the third night of the RNC in Minneapolis with Rudy Guiliani about to take the stage…
9:53 PM me: are you watching CNN?
Citizen: no, cspan
PUT IT ON
me: WTF
no
Citizen: i’m not riffing on the friggin’ cnn anchors
and shit
me: only got CNN
put it on
9:54 PM Citizen: Eff these pundits
no
i want to hear the speeches
me: You are missing some really great meaningless yammering
Citizen: Is Cindy McCain wearing Kermit the Frog?
me:
you killed KERMIT!
9:55 PM that’s gonna cost her with the tyke and tot crowd
oh, she’s touching the baby’s head
message: I like head
Citizen: stay classy OC
me: whoops, I mean I care
and I like babies
more than vicadin
9:56 PM Man, TV is SO STUPID, this what these pundits sound like to me: meowmeowmeowmeowmewownmewown
9:57 PM shouldn’t put the sister on TV, EVER
9:59 PM Citizen: brb
me: yo Ghouliani is up
10:00 PM prediction
Noun
Verb
9/`11
let’s take bets on how long it takes before he bring it up
Citizen: Bristol Palin is really pretty
She looks like Mandy Moore
10:01 PM Citizen: isn’t that the fiance sitting next to her?
me: does he have a hockey stick? If so, that’s him
Citizen: Noun Verb 9/11
me: how long until he mentions it?
thirty seconds tops, I say
at least he isn’t in drag
10:02 PM Citizen: hahah
me: wow, Guiliani is REALLY orange, the sun isn’t that orange on most days
most oranges aren’t that orange
me: yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about 9/11?
fuckin celebrities, trying steal this election!
Citizen: “I’m Robert Duvall”
10:06 PM me: America doesnt come first, the Carlyle Group does
Citizen: ha
Citizen: “Bernie Kerik, line 1!”
10:07 PM me: ha
oh, man
low blow
dude graduated Harvard Law to work with the poor and the disadvantaged
and he mocks this?
this gets him another entry in Dickipedia
Citizen: Ooooh, Rudy’s bringing the NYC heat
10:10 PM Citizen: Man, this is turning into the “Beat It” video
me: Cindy McCain looks high
10:11 PM Citizen: It’s the fumes of starvation
me: why is he dredging up the experience thing
hello PALIN
PRESIDENT PALIN
10:12 PM Citizen: No, she was the Mayor of Wassilla! Where the 3 a.m. phone call is about a moose in someone’s garage
10:13 PM me: Rob Morrow is refusing to do the third season of Northern Exposure
Mayor, can you help
um, who called Hope a strategy?
10:14 PM red herring
Citizen: or change a destination
This is a good speech, actually
me: good for John McCain
not good for country
not putting country first
10:15 PM Drill baby drill
this is their vision for America?
Citizen: you can’t say “Drill, baby, drill”! There are CHRISTIANS here!
10:16 PM me: ah, they’ve all been drilled already
me: I will give him credit, he waited at least 10 minutes
before getting to Noun Verb 9/11
10:17 PM Citizen: BINGO!
Drink a shot!
me: what is his plan, to relive 9/11 from now until eternity?
seriously, they are like nostalgic for it
remember when all those people got killed and everyone REALLY liked me? That was the best…
10:18 PM America didn’t win in Iraq, Haliburton did, duh!
aw, now Cindy’s holding the widdle baby
10:19 PM Citizen: She’d better watch out before he barfs on that dress
10:20 PM me: She’s smiling like Cruella Deville
holding a little dalmation puppy
10:21 PM no we aren’t
all Georgians
that is just simply not true
they are not even a member of NATO
and Bush fools stirred up all this shit with their stupid missile shield in Poland
what fucking for?
Poland didn’t even want it
and it just PISSED off the ruskies
10:22 PM needlessly
Citizen: Sorry, I was distracted by Judy Nathan’s flatironing
me: looks she drove car over it
TOO flat
10:23 PM Citizen: Right
Doesn’t give her face any dimension
OK shh I want to hear Rudy talk about Sarah
me:
10:24 PM this is from the mayor of NYC
bein all down home and Mr. Small Town
wigga, please
Citizen: Rudy Giuliani, small-town guy?
me: Rudy, when was the last time you went to Mass
NOT in drag
10:25 PM Sarah Palin went after corruption? like Bernie Kerik?
that kinda corruption?
10:26 PM or the corruption that denies first responders walkie talkies that work
and let them get the evacuate signal even up top the WTC?
that kind of corruption?
10:27 PM me: the daughter just looks played
me: like a prop
a sad pawn
10:28 PM me: question Rudy, why again won’t your son talk to you?
Cindy Mccain should throw him the baby
Citizen: hahaha
me: be a GREAT photo op
especially if he caught it
can you imagine?
10:29 PM Citizen: He catches it and pauses like the Heisman Trophy
me: people would go nuts
here she comes, BATTLE STATIONS!
hair looks good
Citizen: I’m glad she didn’t go totally upswept with the hair
me: like the dress
Citizen: Makes her look matronly
me: agreed
looks like she just came out of the back stacks of the library
10:30 PM Citizen: I like the jacket
What I want to know is if she’s gonna cry
me: she is purty
like I said, she can field dress my moose
any time
Citizen: dude, you’re gross. she’s a GRANDMOTHER
me: she’s not gonna cry
10:31 PM she will probably shoot a moose before leaving the stage
this long applause thing is getting old
me: the husband is like, ‘shit I hope the meter doesn’t run out on the snowmobile’
10:32 PM Phil Gramm is there, i thought he was in Belarus
10:33 PM me: those old ladies better take it easy
they could pop a spleen or something
10:34 PM
Citizen: She’s got a good hair colorist
me: bit heavy on the rouge
don’t you think
Citizen: “A time to campaign and a time to put our country first,” she said AT THE POLITICAL PARTY CONVENTION
10:35 PM me: this isin’t a campaign
its a crusade
to send my son to many, many pointless wars
Citizen: Wait, is that the son or the future son-in-law?
I’m totally friending him on MySpace
me: Eye RACK
Citizen: OH it’s Track, the Army guy
10:36 PM yeah, the pronounciation of Iraq is pretty much the signifier of the cultural divide
me: next war is the mooses
Citizen: Piper Palin is WAY cuter than Suri Cruise
10:37 PM me: all daughters that are not too pregnant, please stand up
Citizen: I can see the rest of the soap opera names but Trig I just don’t get
me: dad just palmed Trig’s head like a basketball
he loves trigonometry, duh!
10:38 PM
Citizen: She’s got a Billy Idol sneer
Mama Bear sneer
10:39 PM
me: what about the secession thing
did I miss that
or she leave that out?
10:41 PM Citizen: they’re always proud of America….now let’s secede!
10:42 PM me: hate to say it, but this corn is gonna sell
Citizen: lipstick on a pitbull!
stay classy, Wasilla!
me:
she is bordering on smug here
10:45 PM Citizen: Don’t be glib, Matt!
10:46 PM me: ha
Cindy is looking older as the speech goes on, and Palin is looking younger, weird
Citizen: This is a spectacular speech but not giving me one good reason to vote for Sarah Palin. It’s supposed to be about being more than speeches, right?
Citizen: She’s so ARTICULATE
me: clean, too
she gives pretty speeches
like what’s his name
10:47 PM but we all know that ain’t enough
10:48 PM Citizen: sudden and relentless reform? that’ll get you pregnant
me: wait isn’t the GOP the party of the lobbyists and the insiders and the good old boys?
this is so confusing
10:49 PM Citizen: She sold the jet on eBay but she’s gonna ride that pony til it’s dead
me: she probably sold it somebody in the audience tonight
10:50 PM Citizen: Seriously, she’s like a spokesmodel: And now, the lovely national security plank of the GOP platform, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax
it’s like the Price is Right
me: she does not mention that Alaska gets way way more federal money per capita than most every other state and also, she was FOR the bridge to nowhere, before she was against it
10:51 PM man, all the lobbyists that run McCain’s campaign aren’t like this kinda talk
10:53 PM
Citizen: Sarah Palin’s extensive executive experience includes deploying National Guard members for security at a marathon: http://www.adn.com/palin/
Bear bait!
10:54 PM HOOSIERS FOR THE HOT CHICK?
10:55 PM Citizen: “our opponent”
me: hope to god she don’t got anymore serious skeletons because she just invited the media to bring the hammer down
10:56 PM Citizen: With the one-liners!
She’s like Huckabee in a dress
Oh snap! Styrofoam greek columns!
me: they are fully biodegradable!
10:57 PM here comes the red meat for her old Independence Party cronies
forfeit?
dude was RIGHT
ask the Iraqi government
Citizen: Seriously who is she not to address the Obama by name?
Fuck her, that’s just rude.
me: why not just call him ‘The Enemy’
Citizen: Even McCain uses his name.
10:58 PM me: we’re gonna have to raise taxes so we can afford to keep sending fucking Fed money to Alaska!
10:59 PM Citizen: http://editor.blogspot.com/
11:00 PM me: Houston, we got a problem here
Citizen: what?
11:01 PM me: Sarah Palin
Citizen: One good speech ain’t gonna do it
me: she is a game-changer
you think those guys in the Dr. Seuss hats are Xing?
11:02 PM Citizen: Did Karl Rove write this speech?
me: hmm, wonder how she plays
she borders on shrill
and smug
it’s a fine line she gotta walk
Citizen: Seriously, she’s picking fights with a lot of people who are not gonna feel bad about ripping her to shreds
11:03 PM me: like I said
there better not be more
Citizen: finally, she said it!
me: man, the Republicans are UGLY
11:04 PM I think she is going on too long
shoulda been done by now
would been a home run
Citizen: Me too, she’s starting to sound naggy
11:05 PM me: good
overstay your welcome lady
keep going
war
small towns
war
small towns
war on small towns
Citizen: son of a sharecropper
oh wait, that was Wilson Goode
me: died for your sins
and on the third day
Citizen: JC!
me: accepted the nomination
11:06 PM good, start another homespun anecdote
Citizen: haha the guy next to the POW is like “huh?”
11:07 PM me: seriously they went thru all this last night
wonder if the networks are still carrying this
you know only parts of Fred thompson wen t on the netowrks last night
Citizen: that’s why I watch Cspan
11:08 PM I don’t need Paul Begala telling me what’s important in the speeches
me: YES YOU DO
11:09 PM so I think she kinda muzzled her own fireworks
by going on too long
seriously, I think that will play into how this is received
and what people think of her
Citizen: Oh WAIT
me: they threw her the baby
and SHE CAUGHT IT
11:10 PM
me: man, what CAN”T she do?
is the boyfriend there?
who is the old dude
Citizen: FIANCE
11:11 PM Here, watch me pass my baby around the stage like a football but don’t talk about him because that’s sexist
and off limits
me: the old dude knocked up the 17 year old?
good grief, is that legal?
Citizen: Oooooh, is that an orange tie?
11:12 PM me: was the baby just talking to John McCain?
Citizen: I think Willow’s dress is Isaac Mizrahi for Target
me: Willow, I feel like I am in Narnia
Citizen: Telenovela names
OK, I’m out. First day of school tomorrow
11:13 PM me: All told, I still like Michael Palin better