HURRICANE SARAH: A Pitbull In Lipstick


Our completely unfair and totally biased analysts tonight will be Amy Z. Quinn, aka Citizen Mom, recently converted Obama supporter/longtime Hillarycrat dead-ender, and Jonathan Valania, aka ME, who was right about Obama, and most other things, all along. We join the third night of the RNC in Minneapolis with Rudy Guiliani about to take the stage…

9:53 PM me: are you watching CNN?

 Citizen: no, cspan


 me: WTF


 Citizen: i’m not riffing on the friggin’ cnn anchors

  and shit

 me: only got CNN

  put it on

9:54 PM Citizen: Eff these pundits


  i want to hear the speeches

 me: You are missing some really great meaningless yammering

 Citizen: Is Cindy McCain wearing Kermit the Frog?


  you killed KERMIT!

9:55 PM that’s gonna cost her with the tyke and tot crowd

  oh, she’s touching the baby’s head

  message: I like head

 Citizen: stay classy OC

 me: whoops, I mean I care

  and I like babies

  more than vicadin

9:56 PM Man, TV is SO STUPID, this what these pundits sound like to me: meowmeowmeowmeowmewownmewown

9:57 PM shouldn’t put the sister on TV, EVER

9:59 PM Citizen: brb

 me: yo Ghouliani is up

10:00 PM prediction




  let’s take bets on how long it takes before he bring it up

 Citizen: Bristol Palin is really pretty

  She looks like Mandy Moore

10:01 PM Citizen: isn’t that the fiance sitting next to her?

 me: does he have a hockey stick? If so, that’s him

 Citizen: Noun Verb 9/11

 me: how long until he mentions it?

  thirty seconds tops, I say

  at least he isn’t in drag

10:02 PM Citizen: hahah

 me: wow, Guiliani is REALLY orange, the sun isn’t that orange on most days

  most oranges aren’t that orange

 me: yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about 9/11?

  fuckin celebrities, trying steal this election!

 Citizen: “I’m Robert Duvall”

10:06 PM me: America doesnt come first, the Carlyle Group does

 Citizen: ha

 Citizen: “Bernie Kerik, line 1!”

10:07 PM me: ha

  oh, man

  low blow

  dude graduated Harvard Law to work with the poor and the disadvantaged

  and he mocks this?

  this gets him another entry in Dickipedia

 Citizen: Ooooh, Rudy’s bringing the NYC heat

10:10 PM Citizen: Man, this is turning into the “Beat It” video

 me: Cindy McCain looks high

10:11 PM Citizen: It’s the fumes of starvation

 me: why is he dredging up the experience thing

  hello PALIN


10:12 PM Citizen: No, she was the Mayor of Wassilla! Where the 3 a.m. phone call is about a moose in someone’s garage

10:13 PM me: Rob Morrow is refusing to do the third season of Northern Exposure

  Mayor, can you help

  um, who called Hope a strategy?

10:14 PM red herring

 Citizen: or change a destination

  This is a good speech, actually

 me: good for John McCain

  not good for country

  not putting country first

10:15 PM Drill baby drill

  this is their vision for America?

 Citizen: you can’t say “Drill, baby, drill”! There are CHRISTIANS here!

10:16 PM me: ah, they’ve all been drilled already

 me: I will give him credit, he waited at least 10 minutes

  before getting to Noun Verb 9/11

10:17 PM Citizen: BINGO!

  Drink a shot!

 me: what is his plan, to relive 9/11 from now until eternity?

  seriously, they are like nostalgic for it

  remember when all those people got killed and everyone REALLY liked me? That was the best…

10:18 PM America didn’t win in Iraq, Haliburton did, duh!

  aw, now Cindy’s holding the widdle baby

10:19 PM Citizen: She’d better watch out before he barfs on that dress

10:20 PM me: She’s smiling like Cruella Deville

  holding a little dalmation puppy

10:21 PM no we aren’t

  all Georgians

  that is just simply not true

  they are not even a member of NATO

  and Bush fools stirred up all this shit with their stupid missile shield in Poland

  what fucking for?

  Poland didn’t even want it

  and it just PISSED off the ruskies

10:22 PM needlessly

 Citizen: Sorry, I was distracted by Judy Nathan’s flatironing

 me: looks she drove car over it

  TOO flat

10:23 PM Citizen: Right

  Doesn’t give her face any dimension

  OK shh I want to hear Rudy talk about Sarah


10:24 PM this is from the mayor of NYC

  bein all down home and Mr. Small Town

  wigga, please

 Citizen: Rudy Giuliani, small-town guy?

 me: Rudy, when was the last time you went to Mass

  NOT in drag

10:25 PM Sarah Palin went after corruption? like Bernie Kerik?

  that kinda corruption?

10:26 PM or the corruption that denies first responders walkie talkies that work

    and let them get the evacuate signal even up top the WTC?

  that kind of corruption?

10:27 PM me: the daughter just looks played

me: like a prop

  a sad pawn

10:28 PM me: question Rudy, why again won’t your son talk to you?

  Cindy Mccain should throw him the baby

 Citizen: hahaha

 me: be a GREAT photo op

  especially if he caught it

  can you imagine?

10:29 PM Citizen: He catches it and pauses like the Heisman Trophy

 me: people would go nuts

  here she comes, BATTLE STATIONS!

  hair looks good

 Citizen: I’m glad she didn’t go totally upswept with the hair

 me: like the dress

 Citizen: Makes her look matronly

 me: agreed

  looks like she just came out of the back stacks of the library

10:30 PM Citizen: I like the jacket

  What I want to know is if she’s gonna cry

 me: she is purty

  like I said, she can field dress my moose

  any time

 Citizen: dude, you’re gross. she’s a GRANDMOTHER

 me: she’s not gonna cry

10:31 PM she will probably shoot a moose before leaving the stage

  this long applause thing is getting old

 me: the husband is like, ‘shit I hope the meter doesn’t run out on the snowmobile’

10:32 PM Phil Gramm is there, i thought he was in Belarus

10:33 PM me: those old ladies better take it easy

  they could pop a spleen or something

10:34 PM 

 Citizen: She’s got a good hair colorist

 me: bit heavy on the rouge

  don’t you think

 Citizen: “A time to campaign and a time to put our country first,” she said AT THE POLITICAL PARTY CONVENTION

10:35 PM me: this isin’t a campaign

  its a crusade

  to send my son to many, many pointless wars

 Citizen: Wait, is that the son or the future son-in-law?

  I’m totally friending him on MySpace

 me: Eye RACK

 Citizen: OH it’s Track, the Army guy

10:36 PM yeah, the pronounciation of Iraq is pretty much the signifier of the cultural divide

 me: next war is the mooses

 Citizen: Piper Palin is WAY cuter than Suri Cruise

10:37 PM me: all daughters that are not too pregnant, please stand up

 Citizen: I can see the rest of the soap opera names but Trig I just don’t get

 me: dad just palmed Trig’s head like a basketball

  he loves trigonometry, duh!

10:38 PM 

 Citizen: She’s got a Billy Idol sneer

  Mama Bear sneer

10:39 PM 

 me: what about the secession thing

  did I miss that

  or she leave that out?

10:41 PM Citizen: they’re always proud of America….now let’s secede!

10:42 PM me: hate to say it, but this corn is gonna sell

 Citizen: lipstick on a pitbull!

  stay classy, Wasilla!


  she is bordering on smug here

10:45 PM Citizen: Don’t be glib, Matt!

10:46 PM me: ha

  Cindy is looking older as the speech goes on, and Palin is looking younger, weird

 Citizen: This is a spectacular speech but not giving me one good reason to vote for Sarah Palin. It’s supposed to be about being more than speeches, right?

 Citizen: She’s so ARTICULATE

 me: clean, too

  she gives pretty speeches

  like what’s his name

10:47 PM but we all know that ain’t enough

10:48 PM Citizen: sudden and relentless reform? that’ll get you pregnant

 me: wait isn’t the GOP the party of the lobbyists and the insiders and the good old boys?

  this is so confusing

10:49 PM Citizen: She sold the jet on eBay but she’s gonna ride that pony til it’s dead

 me: she probably sold it somebody in the audience tonight

10:50 PM Citizen: Seriously, she’s like a spokesmodel: And now, the lovely national security plank of the GOP platform, and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax

  it’s like the Price is Right

 me: she does not mention that Alaska gets way way more federal money per capita than most every other state and also, she was FOR the bridge to nowhere, before she was against it

10:51 PM man, all the lobbyists that run McCain’s campaign aren’t like this kinda talk

10:53 PM 


 Citizen: Sarah Palin’s extensive executive experience includes deploying National Guard members for security at a marathon:

  Bear bait!


10:55 PM Citizen: “our opponent”

 me: hope to god she don’t got anymore serious skeletons because she just invited the media to bring the hammer down

10:56 PM Citizen: With the one-liners!

  She’s like Huckabee in a dress

  Oh snap! Styrofoam greek columns!

 me: they are fully biodegradable!

10:57 PM here comes the red meat for her old Independence Party cronies


  dude was RIGHT

  ask the Iraqi government

 Citizen: Seriously who is she not to address the Obama by name?

  Fuck her, that’s just rude.

 me: why not just call him ‘The Enemy’

 Citizen: Even McCain uses his name.

10:58 PM me: we’re gonna have to raise taxes so we can afford to keep sending fucking Fed money to Alaska!



10:59 PM Citizen:

11:00 PM me: Houston, we got a problem here

 Citizen: what?

11:01 PM me: Sarah Palin

 Citizen: One good speech ain’t gonna do it

 me: she is a game-changer

  you think those guys in the Dr. Seuss hats are Xing?

11:02 PM Citizen: Did Karl Rove write this speech?

 me: hmm, wonder how she plays

  she borders on shrill

  and smug

  it’s a fine line she gotta walk

 Citizen: Seriously, she’s picking fights with a lot of people who are not gonna feel bad about ripping her to shreds

11:03 PM me: like I said

  there better not be more

 Citizen: finally, she said it!

 me: man, the Republicans are UGLY

11:04 PM I think she is going on too long

  shoulda been done by now

  would been a home run

 Citizen: Me too, she’s starting to sound naggy

11:05 PM me: good

  overstay your welcome lady

  keep going


  small towns


  small towns

  war on small towns

 Citizen: son of a sharecropper

  oh wait, that was Wilson Goode

 me: died for your sins

  and on the third day

 Citizen: JC!

 me: accepted the nomination

11:06 PM good, start another homespun anecdote

 Citizen: haha the guy next to the POW is like “huh?”

11:07 PM me: seriously they went thru all this last night

  wonder if the networks are still carrying this

  you know only parts of Fred thompson wen t on the netowrks last night

 Citizen: that’s why I watch Cspan

11:08 PM I don’t need Paul Begala telling me what’s important in the speeches


11:09 PM so I think she kinda muzzled her own fireworks

  by going on too long

  seriously, I think that will play into how this is received

  and what people think of her

 Citizen: Oh WAIT

 me: they threw her the baby


11:10 PM 

 me: man, what CAN”T she do?

  is the boyfriend there?

  who is the old dude

 Citizen: FIANCE

11:11 PM Here, watch me pass my baby around the stage like a football but don’t talk about him because that’s sexist

  and off limits

 me: the old dude knocked up the 17 year old?

  good grief, is that legal?

 Citizen: Oooooh, is that an orange tie?

11:12 PM me: was the baby just talking to John McCain?

 Citizen: I think Willow’s dress is Isaac Mizrahi for Target

 me: Willow, I feel like I am in Narnia

 Citizen: Telenovela names

  OK, I’m out. First day of school tomorrow

11:13 PM me: All told, I still like Michael Palin better

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