ELEPHANT GUN: Spitballing The RNC In IM

Our completely unfair and totally biased analysts tonight will be Amy Z. Quinn, aka Citizen Mom, recently converted Obama supporter/longtime Hillarycrat dead-ender, and Jonathan Valania, aka ME, who was right about Obama, and most other things, all along. We join the second night of the RNC in Minneapolis with First Lady Laura Bush introducing her husband…

9 minutes

9:49 PM Citizen: Laura Bush: Proof that with a pack of Marlboro Lights and a Xanax, a girl can do anything!bushfinger.gif

9:50 PM me: nice

9:51 PM nobody has ANYTHING good to say about No Child Left Behind

  except for the White House Spokesperson

  and this chick, isn’t she married to him or something? 

9:52 PM 

9:53 PM

 me: that arena feels like mausoleum

  seriously, the joylessness is palpable…Dubya on the jumbotron

 Citizen: OOOOOh, it’s Oz, the great and powerfulbushfinger.gif

  OMG it looks like he’s sweating

  Srsly, flop sweat

9:54 PM Is he gonna mention Sarah Palin? I bet not.

  She’s gonna pull a Harriet Miers

9:55 PM me: this so silly that he couldn’t get on a fuckin plane and be there

  He is the goddamn President of the United States of America!

they don’t want him there. Period.

  what is he overseeing in DC? the gridlock of evacuees returning home? bushfinger.gif

 Citizen: Oh, they definitely don’t want him there

9:56 PM me: aha, that’s what it is, his dad is there

  he’s afraid of facing his dad, he’s knows they have a date with the woodshed

 Citizen: You know what keeps running through my mind is the line from Obama’s speech about how they need to own their failure.

  “The Angry Left”


9:57 PM Man, did Mike Gerson come up with that one?

 me: that’s like calling a rape victim a whiner, a nation of whinersbushfinger.gif

  ‘his arm was broken but not his honor’

9:58 PM this is the best a team of Presidential speechwriters could come up with?

10:00 PM but what happens when John McCain dies?


 me: secession?

 me: do we just break up the US and all start new bands?

10:03 PM what are they doing leaving Bush alone in the White House

  he’s gonna get into the pretzels

  and the next thing you know

 Citizen: they marked all the bottles in the liquor cabinetbushfinger.gif

10:04 PM and I hear they have a nannycam

 me: all the furniture is gonna be chewed up

 Citizen: Cindy McCain is really pretty

10:05 PM me: I can’t wait for the Playboy spread

  MILFS of The West Wing

10:06 PM I only buy it for the articles, mind you

 Citizen: “conviction politics”

 me: Cindy and Sarah in their bikinis and assault riflesbushfinger.gif

  hot stuff

 Citizen: America, Fuck YEAH!

 me: wow, this is weak

  tonight’s RNC is a lead balloon

10:07 PM Citizen: it’s driving me CRAZY that i can’t figure out who this narrator is

10:08 PM Awww, Joanie Loves Chiachi, I mean, Nancy loves Ronnie

10:10 PM Thompson is doing what Bush should have done

10:12 PM me: this is sad that they have to bring an actor on to do job

 Citizen: the party of Reaganbushfinger.gif

 me: but then, that’s the theater

  the illusion of Hollywood

10:13 PM she can field dress my moose


 Citizen: good lord

  she’s somebody’s MOTHER


 me: hmm, it’s that gun


10:14 PM oh, you’d do her

 Citizen: Nah, she’s not my typebushfinger.gif

 me: don’t gimme that

 Citizen: But she could drive me to hockey practice

 me: ha

10:15 PM I have been to cancer wards in higher spirits

  seriously this is a funeral

10:16 PM Citizen: This really needs a Comedy Central roast to break out

 me: why is this guy the featured speaker

  he couldn’t get elected coroner

  if he tried

  and he did try

10:17 PM now his wife, SHE she should be on right now

 Citizen: The Republicans know about hot younger women, I’ll say thatbushfinger.gif

 me: they know about trophy wives

  is what they know

10:18 PM I just saw Jon Voight

 Citizen: He once owned this car

 me: can’t believe the Midnight Cowboy is a Republican

10:19 PM no wonder his daughter won’t speak to him

10:21 PM Citizen: “John McCain knows about hope…that’s all he had.”

  nice line

  And true

  How big a coward is George Bush for not delivering this speech

10:22 PM me: this just seems tedious

  like wallowing in sufferingbushfinger.gif

  this whole night

  god that GI Jane was just depressing

 Citizen: Nah, this is the only effective speech I’ve seen all night

 me: I give it a five

10:23 PM it’s supposed to be this overcoming adversity thing

  but it reminds me of Passion of the Christ

10:24 PM this medieval obsession with the sadism of the world

  My question is: Can we trust this man to live four more years?

 Citizen: I’m telling you, wait until Palin’s nominating speech and they get on the theme about how she and McCain are both American heroes

 me: ha

 Citizen: He for having his teeth pulled out and her for having a Down syndrome babybushfinger.gif

  I’m totally serious

10:25 PM me: having a Down Syndrome baby is not heroic

 Citizen: The idea they’re trying to plant is that Palin knew the baby was going to have Down Syndrom and gave birth anyway

 me: it is fundamentally cruel to bring damaged life into this world

  yeah, that doesn’t impress me

 Citizen: Nah, I don’t believe that

10:26 PM me: why don’t we ask the kid with Down Syndrome

 Citizen: what, you don’t believe that she gave birth to that baby? me either

 me: seriously?bushfinger.gif

 Citizen: nope

  the whole thing stinks to high heaven

 me: if you believe we are all part of a big oversoul

10:27 PM that we join when we die

 Citizen: yeah

  I do

 me: then our physical selves are interchangeable

  if you get a damaged shell

  why live it out

  just start over

  if you believe the life force enters into procreationbushfinger.gif

10:28 PM Citizen: well, “damaged” is a sliding scale, obviously

  the point is that someone has the choice to make

 me: there ya go

10:30 PM why is is bringing up inexperience?

  didn’t he get the memo

10:31 PM Citizen: Didn’t you get the memo about how Palin has more executive experience than Barry has legislative experience?

 me: notice he keeps clearing his throat

  like he’s choking on his own bile

  bet he could use a tic-tac

  as mayor of a city of 6,000 that tried to recall her?

 Citizen: No need to apologize for the United States of America when you can just secede!bushfinger.gif

10:32 PM me: or as governor where she is under investigation for abuse of power?

  which one, I forget?

 Citizen: Ooh, Fred’s getting warmed up now

 me: nothing succeeds like seccession!

  no the water will coming of your bucket


  just to be clear

  we will be taking all your money

10:33 PM promise

 Citizen: Shaken Government Syndrome!bushfinger.gif

 me: ha

10:34 PM I can’t believe he’s talked this long without a nap

 Citizen: He took his Vytorin this morning

 me: this is dedicated to the medicated! Joe Lieberman? Man, I can’t believe Al Gore used to like this guy. That’s just what McCain needs, a little Joementum. Good luck with that, John-John.

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