Our completely unfair and totally biased analysts tonight will be Amy Z. Quinn, aka Citizen Mom, recently converted Obama supporter/longtime Hillarycrat dead-ender, and Jonathan Valania, aka ME, who was right about Obama, and most other things, all along. We join the second night of the RNC in Minneapolis with First Lady Laura Bush introducing her husband…
9:49 PM Citizen: Laura Bush: Proof that with a pack of Marlboro Lights and a Xanax, a girl can do anything!
9:50 PM me: nice
9:51 PM nobody has ANYTHING good to say about No Child Left Behind
except for the White House Spokesperson
and this chick, isn’t she married to him or something?
me: that arena feels like mausoleum
seriously, the joylessness is palpable…Dubya on the jumbotron
Citizen: OOOOOh, it’s Oz, the great and powerful
OMG it looks like he’s sweating
Srsly, flop sweat
9:54 PM Is he gonna mention Sarah Palin? I bet not.
She’s gonna pull a Harriet Miers
9:55 PM me: this so silly that he couldn’t get on a fuckin plane and be there
He is the goddamn President of the United States of America!
they don’t want him there. Period.
what is he overseeing in DC? the gridlock of evacuees returning home?
Citizen: Oh, they definitely don’t want him there:
9:56 PM me: aha, that’s what it is, his dad is there
he’s afraid of facing his dad, he’s knows they have a date with the woodshed
Citizen: You know what keeps running through my mind is the line from Obama’s speech about how they need to own their failure.
“The Angry Left”
9:57 PM Man, did Mike Gerson come up with that one?
me: that’s like calling a rape victim a whiner, a nation of whiners
‘his arm was broken but not his honor’
9:58 PM this is the best a team of Presidential speechwriters could come up with?
10:00 PM but what happens when John McCain dies?
WHAT, I ASK?
me: do we just break up the US and all start new bands?
10:03 PM what are they doing leaving Bush alone in the White House
he’s gonna get into the pretzels
and the next thing you know
Citizen: they marked all the bottles in the liquor cabinet
10:04 PM and I hear they have a nannycam
me: all the furniture is gonna be chewed up
Citizen: Cindy McCain is really pretty
10:05 PM me: I can’t wait for the Playboy spread
MILFS of The West Wing
10:06 PM I only buy it for the articles, mind you
Citizen: “conviction politics”
me: Cindy and Sarah in their bikinis and assault rifles
Citizen: America, Fuck YEAH!
me: wow, this is weak
tonight’s RNC is a lead balloon
10:07 PM Citizen: it’s driving me CRAZY that i can’t figure out who this narrator is
10:08 PM Awww, Joanie Loves Chiachi, I mean, Nancy loves Ronnie
10:10 PM Thompson is doing what Bush should have done
10:12 PM me: this is sad that they have to bring an actor on to do job
Citizen: the party of Reagan
me: but then, that’s the theater
the illusion of Hollywood
10:13 PM she can field dress my moose
Citizen: good lord
she’s somebody’s MOTHER
me: hmm, it’s that gun
10:14 PM oh, you’d do her
Citizen: Nah, she’s not my type
me: don’t gimme that
Citizen: But she could drive me to hockey practice
10:15 PM I have been to cancer wards in higher spirits
seriously this is a funeral
10:16 PM Citizen: This really needs a Comedy Central roast to break out
me: why is this guy the featured speaker
he couldn’t get elected coroner
if he tried
and he did try
10:17 PM now his wife, SHE she should be on right now
Citizen: The Republicans know about hot younger women, I’ll say that
me: they know about trophy wives
is what they know
10:18 PM I just saw Jon Voight
Citizen: He once owned this car
me: can’t believe the Midnight Cowboy is a Republican
10:19 PM no wonder his daughter won’t speak to him
10:21 PM Citizen: “John McCain knows about hope…that’s all he had.”
How big a coward is George Bush for not delivering this speech
10:22 PM me: this just seems tedious
like wallowing in suffering
this whole night
god that GI Jane was just depressing
Citizen: Nah, this is the only effective speech I’ve seen all night
me: I give it a five
10:23 PM it’s supposed to be this overcoming adversity thing
but it reminds me of Passion of the Christ
10:24 PM this medieval obsession with the sadism of the world
My question is: Can we trust this man to live four more years?
Citizen: I’m telling you, wait until Palin’s nominating speech and they get on the theme about how she and McCain are both American heroes
Citizen: He for having his teeth pulled out and her for having a Down syndrome baby
I’m totally serious
10:25 PM me: having a Down Syndrome baby is not heroic
Citizen: The idea they’re trying to plant is that Palin knew the baby was going to have Down Syndrom and gave birth anyway
me: it is fundamentally cruel to bring damaged life into this world
yeah, that doesn’t impress me
Citizen: Nah, I don’t believe that
10:26 PM me: why don’t we ask the kid with Down Syndrome
Citizen: what, you don’t believe that she gave birth to that baby? me either
the whole thing stinks to high heaven
me: if you believe we are all part of a big oversoul
10:27 PM that we join when we die
me: then our physical selves are interchangeable
if you get a damaged shell
why live it out
just start over
if you believe the life force enters into procreation
10:28 PM Citizen: well, “damaged” is a sliding scale, obviously
the point is that someone has the choice to make
me: there ya go
10:30 PM why is is bringing up inexperience?
didn’t he get the memo
10:31 PM Citizen: Didn’t you get the memo about how Palin has more executive experience than Barry has legislative experience?
me: notice he keeps clearing his throat
like he’s choking on his own bile
bet he could use a tic-tac
as mayor of a city of 6,000 that tried to recall her?
Citizen: No need to apologize for the United States of America when you can just secede!
10:32 PM me: or as governor where she is under investigation for abuse of power?
which one, I forget?
Citizen: Ooh, Fred’s getting warmed up now
me: nothing succeeds like seccession!
no the water will coming of your bucket
just to be clear
we will be taking all your money
10:33 PM promise
Citizen: Shaken Government Syndrome!
10:34 PM I can’t believe he’s talked this long without a nap
Citizen: He took his Vytorin this morning
me: this is dedicated to the medicated! Joe Lieberman? Man, I can’t believe Al Gore used to like this guy. That’s just what McCain needs, a little Joementum. Good luck with that, John-John.