INSTA-REVIEW: Parsing Hillary’s Speech In IM


Can a Clinton put party and country before raw ego and naked ambition, just this once? Let’s find out shall we? Our analysts tonight will be Amy Z. Quinn, aka Citizen Mom, recently converted Obama supporter/longtime Hillarycrat dead-ender, and Jonathan Valania, who was right about Obama, and most other things, all along. We join the action with Governor Brian Schweitzer at the podium…

JV: The Guv of Montana is a trip

AZQ: Oh god, not the bolo tie

10:21 PM JV: neck too fat to close top button

stay classy, Montana!

AZQ: the hardest button to button

JV: this is how he appeals to those fat voters who think Obama is too skinny to be trusted

AZQ: oh man that was such a ridiculous story

JV: that is out there tho

AZQ: gotta shore up that important cankle vote

10:22 PM JV: ha cankle vote

good one

10:29 PM JV: The gentleman from Montana is throwing fists

AZQ: big meaty steer-ropin’ fists


10:31 PM JV: he’s the Dem Black Bart

AZQ: “the most important barrel of oil is the one you don’t use”


JV: Damn, Dems have needed a guy like this since forever

10:32 PM he’s like Ernest Goes To The Convention


a LOTTA rednecks are turning blue right now, nice to see a guy like him in Denver that is NOT packing heat and meth

AZQ: he’s chewing up the scenery

gonna whip off that bolo tie and rope some delegates

JV: nice line

Petro Dictators

10:33 PM get my wind and sunshine over my dead body

from my cold dead hands, cue theme from Good, The Bad, And The Ugly


JV: shoulda picked this guy for Veep

10:35 PM

fucking great

a real man

10:36 PM AZQ: HRC video starting now

10:37 PM JV: Van Clinton

AZQ: “she was able to play with the boys and yet earn their respect”

10:38 PM Amy Poehler!

JV: funny I don’t remember her rocking this hard on the campaign trail

10:39 PM one tough American cookie

AZQ: usually cookies get tough by overmixing

oh wait, she doesn’t bake cookies

10:40 PM

JV: who is that guy?

oh the NOMINEE

right right

I remember him

AZQ: Yeah the poor guy gets no attention

It’s sad how the media just won’t let him IN

10:41 PM JV: they gotta cut down on Chelsea’s doggie downers

maybe ‘doggie’ was a poor word choice

AZQ: Really good video

JV: yeah, can’t wait for the live album!

AZQ: Oh there’s Chelsea

Shit, I wish she’d turn to the side a little bit so I could see if those are Louboutins

10:42 PM What song is that?

JV: Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong?

AZQ: Nice suit but I don’t like the monochromatic look

Orange is the new black

JV: why Orange

hard not to look like pumpkin

10:43 PM Citizen: LOVE those Hillary script signs

JV: but I think she is pulling off

Citizen: Perfect color for not-quite-fall

Now, watch. She’s standing there getting the same applause others got but will be criticized for trying to steal the limelight

JV: ah, the point to nobody in the crowd and say hello

10:44 PM always looks good on TV

AZQ: Awwwwwww, Bill is mouthing “I love you, I love you”

teh luvz

JV: are you sure that was to Hillary?


AZQ: No, it was to me, fool

10:45 PM All day it’s been “what does she need to say”
AZQ: Here’s what: “Proud supporter of Barack Obama.”

“OK, G’nnight follks!”

10:46 PM JV: you see the look Michelle just shot her

AZQShe needs to directly address her supporters who are thinking of voting for McCain

JV: good start

keep it goin

10:47 PM AZQ: Seriously the Cspan cameras keep cutting away to Michelle Obama to see if she’s going to give Hillary the “bitch please” look

10:48 PM No way, no how, no McCain

“Barack Obama is my candidate and he must be our president.”


I hear she’s having it embroidered on the back of a jean jacket so you peope can see it all the time

JV: I wanna see her pull the lever for him

then I will be happy

10:49 PM that’s the the takeway line

is a good one

wow and she said it without melting!

10:50 PM AZQ: oh, what a world

She’s fucking nailingit

AZQ: eat it, Barry lover

JV: Nice mouth, you kiss your kid with that mouth?

JV: Did she just say The Traveling Asspants of The Wah-Wah Sisterhood?
10:52 PM

Citizen: She should make some kind of direct statement to the gayz

10:53 PM The “family of Democrats”

JV: what like, HELLO FRISCO!

something like that?

AZQ: toot toot, ahhh, beep beep

JV: there is a lttle Ethel Merman in her

all Merman in the soul

and shit

AZQ: they’re called balls, my friend

10:54 PM guarantee the big criticism of the speech is that it’s not enough supplication to Barry

JV: Supplication To Barry

sounds like a porn movie I rented once, and deeply regretted

AZQ: That’s what you people want.

10:55 PM JV: no, unity

no more passive aggressive Clintonian psychodrama

is that too much to ask?

10:56 PM AZQ: How about no more taking the bait dangled by people who sit around seeing if she mentions Obama during a private fundraising lunch?

Then write stories about when she doesn’t?

JV: still not melting, I am impressed

AZQ: “Were you in this campaign just for me?” HERE IT IS

10:57 PM JV: that cowgirl has a BIG pimple

and no, I am not talking about Hill

10:58 PM stump speech redux

yada, yada, yada

10:59 PM AZQ: No, you’re purposely tuning out

JV: her orange suit really pops against that blue backdrop

my name is Jonathan Valania, and I approve this outfit

AZQ: She’s talking about putting a DEMOCRAT in the White House

but you people only want to hear about putting Barry in the White House

JV: say it lady

11:00 PM i bet they have her wired so that Howard Dean delivers an electric shock when she goes to long without mentioning Obama


Citizen: It’s like the morphine drip in the hospital

You have to mention his name every 30 seconds or you don’t get to push the button

Shoutouts to Michelle!

JV: saying ‘I am supporting Obama’ stops the pain

11:01 PM

11:02 PM

AZQ: This is a speech about why it’s important to put a Democrat in the White House, and I love it

JV: she really grew into her voice as a public speaker

I must say

AZQ: In case you people forgot, the Clintons BUILT this party

11:04 PM

JV: what was that, the Clintons GUILT this party?

AZQ: Ooooh, I am getting chills at this talk about the 19th Amendment

11:05 PM

JV: wow, I didn’t know Hillary was an escaped slave

what a bio!

11:06 PM nurses, firefighters, the army — all escaped slaves, too? What a world!

AZQ: No, she FREED the slaves

JV: how about freeing Obama?


AZQ: you’re a racist

me: start with freeing her delegates

11:07 PM I am just picturing Hillary running through the swamps

dogs barking, chains clanking

torches following

dragging Bill cuz he wants to lie down and nap

11:08 PM JV: so, good speech

I dont think she closed the door tho

AZQ: closed the door to what?

JV: on Hillary For President

11:09 PM AZQ: next you’re going to repeat the Glenn Beck line about how she’s really working AGAINST an Obama win so she can run four years from now

Why should she close the door?

JV: um, there is a little of that going on

AZQ: She’s not allowed to run ever again?

Because you said so?

JV: no

not what I mean

I don’t feel like she made clear to the Hillaryistas that the campaign is over

11:10 PM AZQ: you’re INSANE

JV: no they are

AZQ: She not only told them to vote for Obama, she told them WHY to vote for him

WTF else do you want her to do?

11:11 PM At a certain point she’s not responsible for their bad choices

JV: she started them

she continues to feed it

AZQ: how does she feed it?

JV: by what she doesn’t do or say

AZQ: the Hillary-hating media and the McCain camp feed it

not her

11:12 PM You’re setting her up as a scapegoat in case Obama doesn’t win

smells like sexism

JV: that was a foregone conclusion back when they gave the press the turban photos

11:13 PM AZQ: oh will you leave that shit behind?

people forget about that until you people mention it

JV: if only America would

AZQ: Look the bottom line is that tonight HRC went out there and not only told her supporters to votefor BHO, but WHY they should.

11:14 PM And she framed it in issues larger than her vs. him.

There is literally nothing else she can be expected to do.

As ALWAYS the Clintons will do what is good for the Democratic party.

(ok that last one was an exaggeration)

JV: glad I didn’t have to say it

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