PAPERBOY: ‘When Milton Attacks!’ Edition

paperboyart.thumbnail.jpgBY AMY Z. QUINN We know how it is: so many words to read, so little time to surf for free porn. That’s why every week, PAPERBOY does your alt-weekly reading for you, freeing up valuable nanoseconds that can now be better spent ‘roughing up the suspect’ over at Suicide Girls or what have you. Every week we pore over those time-consuming cover stories and give you the takeaway, suss out the cover art, warn you off the ink-wasters and steer you towards the gooey caramel center of each edition. Why? Because we like you.

ON THE COVER

CITY PAPER: With Mike Nutter clocking something like 83 percent support in most recent polls, Tom Namako and Doron Taussig start telling the almost-mayor-elect his business, with a solid rundown of what awaits him when he takes office. The cover illustration is nightmarishly awesome, though we’re left wonderingcp_2007-10-25.jpg which is more genius, putting Milton Street’s head atop a Flying Monkey or Rendell’s on the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man? You make the call!

It’s the sidebar, though, that has the “Ohhh, snap!” line in it. They’re analyzing why Nutter’s support of the PREP program, which rewards businesses that hire parolees, even violent ones, is a bad idea:

Like other liberal policies, this one is a wolf in the sheep’s clothing known as “compassion.” If elected, Nutter will surely get innocent people killed, but at least his heart will be in the right place.

We’re not saying we disagree with the CP’s analysis entirely, but it does beg the question of which is better: Employed parolees at least giving real life a shot, or unemployed parolees with “demonstrated proclivities toward violence and other pathologies” roaming the streets all day?

PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY: Kid Delicious, you say? He’s the subject of the cover profile (real name: Daniel Basavich), a former pool hustler turned pro who’s not only large, but in charge. He has some kind of Twinkletoes Flintstone routine he does before he breaks and, in his storied past as a pool hustler trying not to get his ass beaten, used a retinue of identity-masking props that probably has Craig LaBan taking notes.

pw__x00124pw.jpg“To disguise himself, he’d dye his hair, grow a beard and lose 100 pounds. Then he’d let the natural color come back, shave the beard and put the weight back on. He’d change his identification, sometimes going by Martin, his middle name. He’d speak slower so as not to reveal his central Jersey roots. And he came up with elaborate stories: He was a traveling salesman selling neon signs, or he was just the backer—the money guy—for his wingman Bristol Bob.”

Now that he’s gone legit, Kid Delish (we just gave him that nickname), originally from up Ocean County, in the Jerz, now plays out of Mount Holly. Move over, Wingador, Philly’s got a new overweight lover in the house.

Basavich doesn’t gamble like he used to. Instead he supplements his pro winnings by selling T-shirts and instructional DVDs (at www.pooljax.com). He performs at various events, including bar mitzvahs. And he gives lessons at Empire for $50 an hour.

“Where else are you going to get a lesson from one of the best in the world?” he asks. “It’s like getting a tennis lesson from Roger Federer or going golfing with Tiger Woods. For only $50!”

INSIDE THE BOOK

CP: After being reminded that “Obama Girl” Amber Lee Whatshername had already been interviewed by every media outlet from here to East Jepip like months ago, I wondered why CP was bothering now. Then I saw the picture of her looking like something out of Grindhouse. Funny how that works! Duane takes the bus, gets cranky; we’re not really seeing the connection between the Boy Scouts rent flap and government privatization of services, but OK.

PW: Photog’s up in Kensington sneaking into empty buildings (by yourself? Not smart, hon) to take pics of trash. Members of the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies (AAN) stand up for Phoenix New Times writers arrested for pissing off the local sheriff; Kristin Henry goes to Haddonfield for sushi, declares it “meh.”

WINNER: CP by a Plumpynut!

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