EDITOR’S NOTE: Inconspicuous Consumption is a new weekly Phawker feature by mystery columnist ALLAN SMITHEE. According to Wikipedia, “Alan Smithee is a pseudonym used between 1968 and 1999 by Hollywood film directors who wanted to be dissociated from a film for which they no longer wanted credit. It was used when the director could prove to the satisfaction of a panel of members of the Directors Guild of America (DGA) and Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers that the film had been wrested from his or her creative control. The director was also required to keep the reason for the disavowal a secret.” As such, we not only can’t tell you who Allan Smithee is (you WOULD be shocked) but we can’t even tell you why we can’t tell you.

When we asked him for an ABOUT THE AUTHOR bio he sent this: “Allan Smithee is an artist who is chronically unemployed. He likes to make lists in his spare time. (end)” Think of him as a mystery muncher with his ear to the street, combing the city’s B-list bars and backstreet bodegas for snack bargains, affordable 40s and a decent pack of wooden match sticks.”

BY ALLAN SMITHEEbards_01.jpg
August 1, 2007
Budget: $35.00

4:30 p.m.: Bards (Walnut between 20th/21st St.) Dark, wood paneled Irish pub with a couple of televisions. Friendly staff – decent happy hour prices. Order pint of Yuengling lager and glass of fountain coke.

yuengling_lager_bottle.jpg5:15 p.m.: Order second lager/glass of fountain coke

5:50: Order third pint of lager and place a food order for fish ‘n’ chips Waitress cautions against it. Says it’s sort of a small amount of fish. Thinks she would still be hungry after eating it. Note: she’s never ordered it and has only worked there a couple of weeks. Tell her I was here the night before for a nightcap and some guy who had ordered fish n’ chips was saying it was a good plate, adding, it had looked good and smelled good. Waitress was right. The plate is underwhelming at first sight only due to the size of the fish. The dish is attractively presented, though, and besides the fish ‘n’ chips there is also a small side of smashed green peas. Would I order it again? Probably not.

6:35 p.m. Leave Bards

6:50 – 7:45 p.m. Use computer at Free Library of Philadelphia (Rittenhouse Square branch)crabscrcrabs-posters.jpg

8:05 p.m. Callahan’s Grille (26th/South St.) Irish pub with inexpensive pints at all times ($2.25) Order pint of lager and a glass of fountain Coke

8:40 p.m. Order second pint of lager and a glass of fountain Coke

coke-bottle.jpg9:25 p.m. Order pint of lager

10:15 p.m. Order final pint of lager plus glass of fountain Coke. Watched the Phillies till the middle of the 8th inning. Callahan’s has three flat screen TVs located behind the bar. Pleasant enough place.


Went specifically for the Wednesday/Thursday night crab special. The price of crabs are variable from $2.50-$3.50 apiece. Unfortunately, they didn’t have any. Maybe next time.

ME: For the first time in my life I’m hoping a woman answers ‘Yes’ when I ask her ‘Do you have crabs?’
BARTENDER: No, its on Weds. and Thursdays.


*$6.00 – lagers
*$9.95 – fish ‘n’ chipsfish-n-chips.jpg
*$0.70 – tax
*$4.00 – tip

* $20.65 subtotal

*$9.00 – lagers
*$3.00 – tip

*$12.00 subtotal

$32.65 total

Remaining Balance: $2.35

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