BY TOMMY ZANE GAYDAR EDITOR Okay, so Ramon and I split up. I don’t want to talk about it — suffice it to say, he’s an asshole. While licking my wounds, let’s eat bon-bons and trawl YouTube together. We’ll commiserate and I will show you something most straights aren’t supposed to see: The Top Five Most Horrifyingly Bad Queer Clips On The Net. C’mon! Let’s get gay the Gaybo way — without ever having to leave your chair! Or, gay — you can get it on computer now.
5-Liberace and His Diamonds
Liberace was the original “sister,” all dolled up in furs with a lisp that could sway the wildest of jungle beasts. His untimely demise of AIDS complications in 1987 still didn’t convince many a Midwest housewife ol’ Lee was gay. Go figure. Anyway, here she is, in all her glory.
4-Barbra Streisand “Left In The Dark”
Barbra smoking a cigarette. Special guest, Kris Kristofferson. After huge successes penning Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out of Hell” and Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of The Heart,” Jim Steinman must’ve seemed like a logical writer for Streisand’s new 1984 album, Emotion. “Left In The Dark” was the leadoff single and went nowhere fast. No, I didn’t include this because I split with Ramon. This record was always bad, even before Ramon cheated on me. Fine, if you must know . . . he nailed an ex-bf. Just horrid.
3-Pia Zadora “You Bring Out The Lover In Me”
The ’80s answer to Anna Nicole, Pia married a super-rich guy who managed to bankroll her into all sorts of awful projects. Best faghag Miss Esther tells me that Pia once played the title role in “Diary of Anne Frank” and was so bad that when the Nazis searched the house, an audience member yelled, “She’s in the attic!” This clip from 1985’s Voyage of The Rock Aliens features ankles and the panties of piddling coeds. Dreadful!
2-Queen and Liza Minelli “We Are The Champions”
She won a Best Actress Oscar for “Cabaret” in 1972 and a Tony in 1965 For her performance in the musical “Flora, The Red Menace,” but by 1992, Liza Minelli wasn’t at the top of her game. In this clip, Minelli closes the Freddy Mercury AIDS Benefit at London’s Wembley Stadium and screeches away any legitimacy she had ever possessed. Did I say possessed? You’d have to be, to think she sounds good.
1-Jonny “Gay Pimp” McGovern in “Soccer Practice”
Ah, yes — the gay community’s response to Marky Mark. Never meant for mainstream consumption, here’s one of those NYC bitches so into his own universe that he’s lost all concept of quality. The song sucks, but I admit, the eye candy is f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s! The epitome of bad taste.
THREESOME OF THE WEEK:
Ramon and the two sluts I’m sure he hooked up with at the bathhouse last night. Asshole! [Snap! Oh yes he did! — Th’Editrix]
GAYBO YOUTUBE EXTRA
Groove Armada return with an electronic tribute to bunny copulation.
Must be seen to be believed.
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you “heard good things.” Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy’s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every week look for GAYBO. We’ll have a gay old time!