ASK MOTHER PHAWKER: Kids, Don’t Try This At Home, No, Really

Dear Mother Phawker,motherphawkerartfinal.jpg

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and we are deeply in love and truly committed to each other. We didn’t “do it” right away. We waited, like a month and a half. For me, that’s taking it slow. Anyway, like two or three months later, things started to get a little weird in the bedroom. Not like whips and chains weird. It started innocently enough when my boyfriend began making kung-fu sound effects while we were in the act, climaxing (so to speak) with a Bruce Lee “Hiiiii-YAAAAAAAAAA!” Things gradually got stranger until one day we were doing it doggy-style (woof!) and he tried to light my back on fire with lighter fluid. Naturally I freaked out, but he tried to convince me it was OK (“It burns up right away, hun.”). He said it reminded him of his summer camp days — I still don’t know what that means. I really love him, but don’t want to be set on fire or to have a dead mouse in my teeth while he finishes back there. Anyway, how should I handle telling him this?
Freak(ed )in Fishtown

Dear Grasshopper,
While there are worse things your partner could scream out at the moment of impact than “Enter the Dragon” quotes, the lighter fluid is definitely a trick, not a treat. And no pun intended, but I’m not touchin’ the dead mouse thing with a 10-foot pole…. Personally, and coincidentally given the date, Mother believes that sex is like candy, that is, even when it sucks it’s still pretty sweet. Still, unless you’re either a.) an incredible actress or b.) the love of your life is a selfish prick, I suspect your partner already has a clue of your uneasiness with his personal taste in, uh, candy. Still, body language can only say so much, so the best course of action is the direct one. Next time your man starts makin’ with the freak-freak, say some variant of the following: “Stop doing that, I don’t like it. Here, let’s do this instead,” then proceed to do something that gets you both off while not involving combustible liquids and/or rodents. The thing to remember is that whatever you do say, be sure to include the words “stop,” “no,” “don’t do that,” or any combination thereof. And most importantly, you must say it during the act itself, even if it means wrecking the vibe and bringing the entire proceedings to a screeching halt. Better to speak up at the time then after you find yourself in a plush ferret costume while your lover breaks blocks of wood with his dick, right?
Shuddering to think,