TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: One of my dear friends always thinks he’s fat. He has, like, 2% body fat. Still, on and on with the food games, skipping lunch, just a salad, etc. He’s a transplant from Iowa, so what does he know about Philly eating? I, on the other hand, have adjusted quite well to the two great Philly pastimes: eating cheesesteaks and laying down, preferably at the same time. I’m not fat, mind you, and I get lots of sexercise to burn it off — I think that’s the key to being sensibly trim. But this bitch is fucking tight! I mean he has six-pack abs and buns of steel and still he whines about being fat. Now I know there are plenty of straight men and women who are also obsessed with their body image, but, Kee-riste, I’ve got to tell this queen to give it a rest! Like if he eats just one French fry POOF he’s the Pillsbury Dough boy. I’m convinced that I have an “average man’s body”. Y’know, not terribly overweight, but not “gym-looking” either. Gay men have a tendency to either over-indulge (drugs, sex, food, alcohol) or swing the total opposite and micro-manage (it’s all control issues, if you ask me). Oddly, my “average man’s body” seems much more attractive to most women. Seriously, for gay men, I’m either too hairy, too effeminate, too skinny, or too fat. For the average straight gal cruising me in the office elevator, I’ll do just fine. I could marry a straight woman a dozen times a week. Gay men, forget it. But of course, I have my hot Latin dude on Spruce Street. Cue the wah-wah peddle…
Speaking of marital bliss, looks like the queer kids in Jersey are getting some sort of legal rights to marriage, civil unions, or something. Apparently, the highest court in NJ ruled that the state has 180 days to put some sort of rights for gay couples in place. Well, of course I’m pleased, and good luck to all those brothers and sisters hyped to get hitched. But, me? I can’t imagine Ramon and I moving to Collingswood to get legal. I mean it’s lovely and all, but we’re just not the marrying type. Nope we’re keeping the alternative in our “alternative lifestyle”, and I know plenty of straight people that would agree. Still, legal bonds like health insurance, wills, and powers of attorney are kinda fucking important, yo.
How nice that the courts have finally come to their senses and are condoning GLBT relationships, but that doesn’t erase the thousands of years of oppression. The only reason I can think of for NOT allowing gay marriage? Gay divorce. Can you imagine the divorce court proceedings? “Your honor, I present to you these pictures from the Miami White Heat Party in February, 2005 as proof of his infidelity, and, yes, that’s a 10-inch dildo.”
There’s a hot new gay meeting spot on the horizon, although it may have to wait all winter to really kick-in. I speak of Franklin Square Park, or Liza Minelli Park, as it’s been christened by three queens chatting there last week. For those not in the know, before all the river development, Schuylkill Park (26th and Spruce), or Judy Garland Park as we call it, used to be a very hot cruising grounds for gay men, particularly in the summer. Somewhere around late 1995, the cops started raiding this place. By the early zeros, most gaybos were out of the parks and on to the internet, anyway. Well, I’m here to tell you that Liza, daughter of Judy, has landed, and the boys are tired of all that online chatter that results mostly in blue balls, or, even worse, STDs. So, three queer purveyors of new horizons agree-Franklin Square-Liza Minelli Park-is the new spot. Maybe I’ll see you there.
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you “heard good things.” Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy’s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every MONDAY look for GAYBO. We’ll have a gay old time!