We are not your mother. Your mother is at home, watching “Deal or No Deal.” Sure, you could call and ask her, but that will just turn into a whole ‘thing’ — what with the shouting and the running and the exploding and the crying. Besides, your mom needs a break. Why do you think they sent you to college in the first place? And really, haven’t you asked her enough stupid questions over the years? Instead, direct all I-need-a-hug, it-hurts-when-I-pee and other how-to-deal inquiries to Mother@phawker.com. She loves you no matter what.
Dear Mother Phawker,
I’m having a problem with my living situation and hope you can help. Here’s the deal: I rent space in a friend’s house, which we also share with her two dogs and another roommate. Recently, my friend/landlord spent a month in Europe, leaving her dogs supposedly in the care of her sister, who dropped by once a day. Needless to say, the other roommate and I ended up taking care of the two dogs, cleaning up their messes, etc.
Not that I minded taking care of her pooches — in fact, a few weeks ago my on-again, off-again boyfriend and I visited the SPCA, fell in love with an adorable dog, and brought him home, intending to share custody of the dog. Unfortunately, a week later my man went off the wagon (again), and our relationship saw a messy end (again) after he was caught rummaging around in my room while I was at work!
Now, my friend/landlord is back from Europe and told me my dog isn’t welcome, after I spent a month caring for her mangy animals! She claims my sweet dog (a adult Basset hound) is too aggressive toward her dogs, which are both pit bull mixes. How ridiculous is that? And why are her pain-in-the-ass mongrels somehow better than mine?
As if losing my boyfriend isn’t bad enough, now my friend wants to kick me out! I feel betrayed and refuse to give up my dog just to please someone else. Besides, being newly single, my pooch makes me feel secure and is, like, a total man magnet. What should I do?
Bona Fido, Roxborough
Ma straightens shit out after the jump…
Dear Pound Puppy:
Sorry, Mother’s ears aren’t what they used to be — did you say “friend/landlord”? Oh poopie, I don’t mean to laugh, but there’s no such thing!
Come sit next to me on the davenport *pats cushion,* because Mother’s going to share with you an Important Life Truth. Comfy? Good. Here it is: Dog shit only stinks when it comes from the ass of someone else’s dog, you dig? I don’t care if you two have been BFFs since First Holy Communion. The minute you started handing her rent money every month, you became her bitch. As it were.
By which I mean, you may love your pup, but your landlord doesn’t have to. Get rid of the dog, or find a new place to live. In fact, scratch that — keep the dog and find a new place to live anyway. Because even if you find Rex a new home, your relationship with your “friend/landlord” will never be the same. The dog will be your friend no matter what.
Also, Mother will resist the urge to expound on the irony of you and your lightbulb boyfriend deciding to adopt, of all things, a hound dog.